5 Keys to Trust Again
First, we want to announce here on the podcast that this is the year!
Darcy and I have built a world class membership for you and your loved ones to come and make 2021 your year to finally put pornography behind you and as a special offer, you can be a founding member for less than the cost of one date night each month.
Get a year pass as a founding member, lock in this price forever, and make 2021 the year you stop feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed and start feeling more confident, fulfilled and successful!
We can help you do that.
We are going to get you there and have fun in the process.
We are going to have seven different ways you can get help in the membership.
We are going to have a monthly workshop, where we take a deep dive on one of the skills you need to get pornography out of your life.
Then we are going to have six monthly calls for coaching and Q&A. 2 for those dealing with pornography, run by me. 2 for spouses and 2 for parents.
IF you are dealing with pornography in your life, in your marriage, or in your household , this is the perfect moment to set yourself up so 2021 is your year.
We can help you do that.
As part of our last webinar we had two very interesting questions come up in our discussion and I wanted to highlight them here with the help of my sweet heart
What is the catalyst that gets the wife to jump over the anger and betrayal issues, my wife has been upset and angry for 11 years now.
I’m a wife. I’d like to know how you rebuild trust, when lying is such a big part of the pornography compulsion addiction or problem?
If you would like to come to our next free webinar, you can by signing up at zachspafford.com/freecall or click the “Free Webinar” link at zachspafford.com
We love having people come to our calls and work through some of the very deeply held difficulties that have been part of their struggle to overcome pornography use in their marriages. These calls are free and are so helpful at getting people started on the road to a life where pornography doesn’t intrude on their happiness.
These two questions boil down to essentially one thing. “How do I trust and even love my spouse again?”
Darcy: I think it’s really important to recognize here that no one is requiring that you stay. You can choose to leave this situation. You may not like what that looks like for any number of reasons but staying or going is 100% your responsibility and your choice.
- That perspective is essential to building the life that you want, not just in terms of a marriage where pornography has been present.
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Zach: I think it is also really important to see that the men who are struggling with this issue are almost invariably, earnestly trying and have desire to eliminate it from their lives.
- I’ve spoken to so many men and women who struggle with pornography use in their lives and not one that I’ve come across has said, “I don’t want to give this up, but my spouse says I have to.”
- Their struggle is real and they are trying to be the best they can.
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1. The behavior of an individual is about that person trying to feel good.
a. We’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but maybe we’ll just put a fine point on this.
b. Our lower brain is geared toward helping keep us from feeling bad and is not very good at distinguishing between actual physical danger and the pain of feeling lonely, sad, stressed, tired, hungry or angry.
c. As a result it looks for ways to keep us from having to endure pain.
d. In doing so it creates habits that it engages at various times to avoid that pain.
e. A good example of this is food.
f. Lots of us eat when we feel uncomfortable.
g. It is pretty common to find that after a long stressful day, you’ll have eaten more than your fair share of the delicious things around you.
h. I think it would be a pretty thin argument for me to say to darcy, “I can never trust you again because you keep eating all the Nutella in our house”
i. We would seek to understand what is going on, why this keeps occurring and help that person find ways to eliminate that action without making it about us
j.
2. If you never knew would you be, betrayed?
a. This question is a good exercise to help understand that what you are choosing to believe about the behavior is what is creating your pain, not the behavior itself.
b.
3. Is demanding your spouse change their behavior something you would tolerate?
a. Let’s talk about food.
b. What would you do if your spouse all of a sudden started demanding that you stop eating meat?
c. Or only eat fruit in its natural season?
d. Not only do they demand it, they get really upset and threaten divorce if you don’t stop
e. They tell you that every bacon cheese burger hurts them, makes them feel like less of a person and that when you eat something that isn’t part of what they make you, it is a direct assault on your marriage
f. That might sound absurd.
g. It isn’t a perfect comparison
h. We think it is an apt one
i.
4. Losing what you thought your marriage would be or was doesn’t mean you’ve lost your marriage.
a. This is a really interesting and important point
b. Our marriage is different than it was when we first got married
c. Our expectations are different than they were when we fell in love
d. Our beliefs, values and personal traits are different too
e. The truth about marriage is that your marriage is nothing like you thought it would be.
f. It is a very different, more real, more difficult, more fun thing than we could have ever imagined.
g. No one could have told me I would be working for myself
h. Much less have 8 kids and 3 cat.
i. I could have predicted a dog
j. but have always said no to. Animals
k.
l.
5. Choose to trust
Darcy: A word that comes up often is “betrayal”
- Just want to give a quick run down of what that word means and how understanding it might help us see this issue more clearly.
- Betrayal is “the action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery.”
- It is synonymous with duplicity and deception.
- As the woman from the webinar noted in her question, she felt that lying was such a big part of the issue and wanted to build trust back into the marriage.
- One of the things that we all deal with in marriage is when our spouses are not 100% forthcoming with their problems, actions and even wants.
- In the broadest definition of betrayal, all of us have, at one time or another betrayed our spouse.
- Choosing to trust each other is a continual act of intimacy that over the lifetime of a marriage is wiped away and rebuilt like a sandcastle on the beach.
Zach:
- I don’t think darcy has ever held back a secret from me
- But there are definitely things that we have agreed to in our marriage that she has not upheld
- What I tend to think we do is say, “this is worse than that.”
- Which I don’t have a problem with per se
- When it becomes a situation where you are being the victim continuously once you know what the new situation is, then that is a recipe for misery.
Darcy:
- To avoid that, decide, two things:
o 1. Will I stay or will I go?
o 2. Will I choose happiness, compassion and love by not making this about me?
- Once you decide those two things, the path is clear.
- If you stay and you are choosing happiness, compassion and love, not making this about you, then you are choosing trust.
- If you choose to go, then it is simple, you don’t have to trust.
- If you choose to continue to make your spouse’s behavior about you, then it will be hard to stay.
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