Accountability Partners

Accountability partners

There is often, in marriages and in the addiction model of pornography struggles, a question of, “what about my accountability partner?”  

Often, we ask this because we are seeking to have someone who will struggle through this with us and help us in those intense moments where we are believing the lies our brain tells us about how we don’t want to feel bad and pornography will help solve that immediate, acute struggle. 

As I was talking about this with a client this week, I urged him to use the plan ahead protocol that we teach to our individual coaching clients and in our membership, as well as, being radically honest with the people around him.  In particular his mother.  

His response to me prompted this podcast.  

He said, “my mom struggled through my dad’s drug addictions as his accountability partner and isn’t really willing to do that for me.  She said, I need to do this one on my own.”

Her story was one of being crushed by the overwhelming burden of being the person who is supposed to help someone do something, and having absolutely no control or influence over that person’s behavior. 

She didn’t want to be “responsible” for her son the way she had been “responsible” for her husband all those years.  

What is the difference between being or having an “accountability partner” and being accountable to yourself while being open about our struggles?

The traditional role of an accountability partner the way it was explained to me and the way I interpreted it, was that they were a person you checked in with regularly, they measured your progress, you called them when there was a crisis and they were the person who was going to talk you down off the ledge, convince you to stop, try to interrupt your model and get you back on the straight and narrow path. 

Sounds good right?  

Darcy, what do you think about this idea?

Then there is the idea of partnering with yourself and if you desire one other person to help you just be honest out loud with what is going on for you.  

This is the person you are going to tell what is happening for you, while simultaneously expecting nothing from them.   They aren’t there to talk you off the ledge, help you stop, or distract you from your problems.  

Really, what we are talking about is a vulnerability partner.

Being willing to say what is really going on with you.  

Talk openly about your wants, struggles, feelings, and joys