Breaking Free: How to Live in the Present and Overcome Worry

Episode 273

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Hey everybody, welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. I was having a conversation with a client this week. I was coaching this week with someone who he struggles with worry. And when I say worry, I I'm talking about worry about the past, how I didn't do it right. And worry about the future, how I need to do it right.

This podcast is about helping you cultivate self empowerment, build emotional resilience, and live in alignment with your values. And I thought this would be a good topic to have a a conversation about. Because so many of us are living outside the present moment, whether it's dwelling on past mistakes or worrying about future failures, this is a habit that often pulls us away from engaging fully with life.

And it creates a barrier to real growth. It creates a barrier to leaving things like pornography in the past.

So let's explore why we tend to escape the present, what it costs us, and most importantly, how we can shift back to being grounded in the here and now.

So let's start by talking about the cost of dwelling on the past or projecting the future .

Many of us fall into patterns of either ruminating on past mistakes or projecting fear about the future. When we focus on the past, we often get stuck in a cycle of regret, replaying moments where we feel that we failed or we fell short, where we didn't do it right, where we weren't enough.

When we worry about the future, we often anticipate failure or we rehearse problems that haven't even happened yet. Both of these patterns keep us locked in a mental space where we are disconnected from the present moment.

This, for many people leads to feelings of anxiety, frustration, even hopelessness. And we miss out on the richness of life that's happening right here, right now. Whether it's connecting with loved ones, maybe it's working on a meaningful activity or a goal or a project that we love, or simply experiencing peace in the moment.

Peace with myself. Like, "I like me and how I feel about me is that I'm a good person and I do what is right. Most of the time. And I'm not a terrible human." Right?

A takeaway here is, The past and the future exist only in your mind. The present is the only place where you can act, create, and grow.

So why do we avoid being fully present? Well, let's be honest, staying grounded in the present moment is often pretty difficult for us.

Why? Well, it requires that we face our discomforts. The present might bring up feelings that we don't want to deal with, like shame, or fear, or even uncertainty. And the truth is, it's easier to escape. Our minds naturally gravitate toward what's familiar, what's easier, what's simpler.

Replaying the past or worrying about the future can often feel safer than sitting with the challenges of right now, sitting with our uncomfortable feelings.

I, I often say this in, in my coaching calls and in the conversations that I have, but nobody that I know wants to feel uncomfortable. Nobody that I know is like, "Hey, you know what I want to get better at? I want to get better at feeling bad."

Very few people think feeling bad is a great way to deal with life.

I mean, just think about how often we use distractions like scrolling on our phones or binge watching TV to avoid feeling uncomfortable. This pattern doesn't solve our problems. It simply delays addressing them.

Pornography is something our brain offers us as a solution to bring us to the present without the cost of dealing with our difficult, unwanted feelings.

Acknowledging this tendency is often one of the most empowering things you can do, because when we recognize that we avoid the present because it's uncomfortable, we can start to approach it with curiosity instead of fear.

So how to shift back to the present moment. And this is one of the things that I really think is important, very much like lifting 50 pounds. If you're not a, you know, a weightlifter, you don't go to the gym very often picking up a 50 pound bag of dog food or flour or whatever it is that's heavy. That's it. It's clearly something that will take effort.

What's interesting though is that if you took and you lifted that 50 pounds every day, six or seven or eight, 10 times a day, whatever it is, if you were dedicated to lifting that 50 pounds on a regular basis, the 50 pounds wouldn't become any lighter.

It would simply grow your capacity to lift the 50 pounds. You'd be better at it and it would be easier for you.

So what you want to do when you are dealing with these uncomfortable feelings is like going to the gym and lifting those 50 pounds. If you found yourself, if you found yourself stuck in the past or the future, you want to use practical ways to recenter yourself in the now, dealing with that weight, lifting that weight regularly, And proactively.

So let me give you four techniques that you can use to shift back to the present moment and stay in the present with those uncomfortable feelings in a way that is effective and that helps you get better at feeling bad.

So you don't have to run from it by using things like pornography or doom scrolling or excessive eating.

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Naming it. Talking about it in real terms. Naming it. Being real about it. Creates distance between you and the thought.

It also makes it a little bit less scary. This is why when people are struggling with pornography, oftentimes they're like, you know, I watched bad videos. Well, what did you actually watch? Naming it, calling it what it actually is, being real about it, instead of using euphemisms, instead of saying things that aren't it, but that are near it helps reduce that fear, reduce that shame, reduce that thing from a problem to here are the facts about it.

Number two, ground yourself physically.

Use your senses to anchor yourself. So try this technique. Notice five things you can see. Notice four things you can touch. Notice three things you can hear. Notice two things you can smell. And notice one thing that you can taste. Grounding yourself physically by connecting with the present and the things around you in the present is a great way to get back to center so you can then move towards your values.

Next thing, practice self compassion. Remind yourself that it's okay that these thoughts and feelings exist. There's nothing wrong with them. They are not you and they don't make you do things.

What matters in this instance is how you choose to respond to these thoughts and feelings.

Instead of freaking out and running from them, ask yourself "how do I want to live my life? How do I want to move forward?"

" How do I want to be within my values?"

Next one, number four, focus on your values, not just the goals that you have. Instead of worrying about achieving a specific outcome, ask yourself, what value can I live out right now? For example, if family connection is a value, you can call a loved one or spend quality time with them.

I want you to recognize right here that often people try to do this without getting calm and centered first. What they do is they reach out and they hope that doing so is going to keep them from making a choice that doesn't align with their values like viewing pornography.

For each of these processes that we're going through, we're working to get into a mind frame of moving toward our values rather than running from our feelings, urges, or temptations. So just understand that if you're doing any of these in order to distract from or run from or get away from how you feel or what your brain is offering you.

You have to take a step back and get calm centered and move towards those values. Once you are calm and centered.

Living outside the present moment is something we all experience, but it doesn't have to define us by becoming aware of our patterns and taking small intentional steps.

We can re engage with life in a meaningful, present filled way. Remember the only place you can create. Real change is right now, right here, in the present. Start by choosing one small thing that you can do today to stay grounded, to stay centered, and move towards your values. And if you're finding it challenging to break free from that particular cycle, remember, you're not alone.

You can learn tools and strategies to live more fully in alignment with your values by going to gettothrive. com and signing up for a free consultation. Thanks for listening to Thrive Beyond Pornography today. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with somebody who could benefit.

And as always, feel free to reach out to me via email, zacha@zachspafford. com, or follow along on Instagram @ThriveBeyondPorxography, where the N in pornography is an X.

Until next time, take care. Take care of yourself and remember getting good at being in the present moment is your greatest opportunity to overcome pornography for good.

Talk to you soon.