Goals Can Be Traps

If you are looking to end a pornography struggle and don't know where to turn, then this podcast is for you.

In this episode you'll learn 3 keys that you can use to leave pornography behind.

zachspafford.com

Episode 123 – 

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Scholarships as a thank you to JFF as we mentioned last episode – follow us on Instagram so you see the link for the application

This month in the membership we are talking about Porn is not The problem.  

This Christmas had a note from eric and Jackie – we did a client interview with them episode 62 in nov 2020, they are doing so well.  If you want to go back to that one and listen, you’ll get an idea of the amzing changes that can come to your life working with darcy and I

They are such an amazing couple.  They just messaged us in dec and that were doing super well.  

One of the things that we got over Christmas was one of those Chinese finger traps. 

You know, the ones that you can put your fingers into and then once your fingers are in there, if you pull they get trapped.  

And for a really good one of those, the harder you pull the tighter it grips you.

This year as all of us are setting goals and laying out resolutions we really need to take time to recognize that a lot of these goals can be like that Chinese finger trap. 

The more we resist and fight with what we don’t want in our lives, the more that thing grips and holds on to us.  

The only way to get out of them is to lean into back into the trap and release its hold.  It is a lot like a snare used for catching rabbits. 

So, what does that look like when it comes to pornography and other unwanted habits. 

Much like the finger trap, the more you resist your unwanted habit, the more it seems to be a struggle to get away from it. 

Simply put, if you are going to get away from this trap you are going to need to see what it is that you need to lean into, to start allowing that habitual trap to loosen up and let you walk free. 

1 To do this you’ll need first to recognize that you have a response ability.  You have the ability to respond to the underlying reason that you have been turning to this habit.  

Learn what those reasons are.  Ask yourself, why am I using this habit to avoid my life?

Most of the people I work with find that the reason they are using an unwanted habit to avoid their life or buffer is that they feel uncomfortable.

This comes in a variety of ways, including the regular, if unpleasant emotions of loneliness, being tired, stressed, frustrated, entitled, and any other negative emotion you can name. 

Once you learn what the underlying reason is for your habit, you can now begin to exercise your response ability.  

Respond to that emotion differently.  In my membership we work on a variety of techniques to do this, including simple meditations, but no matter what you do, experimenting to respond to that emotion differently really needs to include leaning into it and allowing it to exist without resistance. 

2 Then next thing you need to do is not freak out if it doesn’t work perfectly the first time.  

Like an animal caught in a snare, the freak out is the think that keeps you trapped.  

When mistakes are made, create an honest, open dialogue with your partner that can help you see the situation for what it is.  And learn from what happened.  

When we catastrophize and act as though we will never be free from this behavior, we really do get snared and trapped.  

3 finally, this last thing that you can do, rather than set goals that might be Chinese finger traps, let’s re-view our values, reassess how they fit into our lives, and reprioritize them as we see fit.  

In episodes, 108 and 109 I go into depth on how goals and values interact and how you can more fully live your values in ways that help you succeed in the long run.  

One of the things that I talk about there is that goals are about a finite timeline.  Meaning that when we have a goal, we can be really good at focusing in on it until that moment is achieved in our minds.  Weight loss is a great example of this.  If you have ever tried to lose a certain amount of weight, reached your target only to find that in the next days, weeks, and months, you fall back to old ways of eating and gain the weight back and maybe a couple extra pounds. 

This is an example of how goals exercised in the name of willpower can be detrimental, whereas values are more about who we are. 

Living your values means that they are done in the here and now, and the here and now never goes away.  So, if I eat healthy because one of my values is to eat healthy then I’m more likely to live my life based on who I am, not what I’m supposed to achieve.  

Whereas, with goals, once the achievement has been made, our focus shifts and we move on to another goal.