Choosing Honesty: Building Trust and Intimacy Beyond Fear
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Transcript
Episode 275
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[:This podcast is all about empowering you to live a values aligned life, free from shame and full of choice. And as we step into this conversation, I want to remind you, every moment is an opportunity to grow. . Not just in overcoming pornography, but in building deeper, more meaningful relationships with those we love.
So today we're diving into a deeply personal and transformative topic, which is honesty in our relationships, especially when we're afraid that being truthful might hurt someone we love, and I think as part of that hurt ourselves.
So we'll explore why integrity is essential, not just for our partners, but for our own sense of self. And then we're also going to talk about how fear, shame, and the lies that we tell ourselves can stand in the way of the genuine connection that we need to put pornography in the past.
Let's begin with a story about someone I worked with recently. This individual had a habit of using pornography, but then struggled to share this with his spouse.
And his reasoning was that if I don't tell her, I won't hurt her. On the surface, this might seem like an act of love. He seems like he's protecting his spouse from the pain of knowing him. The pain of knowing what's going on with him, the pain of dealing with his own struggles. But as we worked together, it became pretty clear that his approach wasn't serving him, or his spouse, or the relationship that they actually wanted.
When we choose dishonesty, even with the intention to protect someone else, we fail to create the intimacy that we want. So my client discovered that his fear of his wife's potential reaction led to him acting distant from her.
He avoided vulnerability and he built walls instead of the bridges that he wanted to build to, to create the love that he wanted. And over time, this gap eroded their intimacy and trust, which are the two, I think, most important components of any strong relationship.
Dishonesty, even when it seems like the safer option, ultimately costs us more than it saves us. And it undermines the very connection that we're trying to protect. So let's take a moment to reflect on the lies that we tell ourselves. Cause we do, we lie to ourselves.
Sometimes we avoid the truth, not just to protect others, but because we're shielding ourselves from discomfort and vulnerability.
Have you ever thought, If I don't share this, it's better for everyone. This is a story that many of us tell ourselves when facing difficult conversations, and my client believed this lie, thinking it would spare his wife, when in reality, it only fed his own shame and fear, keeping him from being the husband of the person that he aspired to be.
When we operate from a place of fear, we disconnect. Not just from others, but from our own sense of integrity, from our own sense of who we think we are.
And this disconnect often leads to guilt, anxiety, and a sense of isolation.
But here's the good news. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward rewriting them. And let's talk about honesty for a second. It is hard. It's messy and the reality is is that it can be pretty painful, but it's also essential if we want to grow, not just as individuals, but in our relationship and the way that I think about this is if you want a low level of discomfort for a long time, then Dishonesty is the way to get it.
If you want a high level of discomfort for a short period of time, and then a steady level of connection and intimacy for a long period of time, then honesty is the way to get that.
Being truthful isn't just about revealing facts, it's about aligning your actions with your values.
It's about showing the person that you are when you're alone with yourself, to your spouse. It's about saying, this is who I am. This is what I really look like. And I'm committed to growing with you. This doesn't mean honesty is always going to lead to immediate understanding. And it's not always going to create an immediate resolution.
Sometimes it's going to create anger and sadness and frustration. And that's how it should be because those emotions are part of the healing process, part of the growing process and avoiding them doesn't erase them. It doesn't mitigate them. It just delays the work that has to be done.
Honesty is about creating an opportunity.
This is what allows you and your partner to confront challenges head on and to build a foundation of trust that you can weather together through life storms. Darcy and I, we've talked about this on the podcast a lot. And one of the things that she says is The moment that she was able to stop making it about her against me and porn and make it me and her against porn, that was a moment where she was able to really start to step into and create and foster greater understanding.
t really being able to trust [:Now that's not to say that you shouldn't be honest if your spouse isn't in that position. It's simply to say that that's something that made it easier for me to be more honest when she decided that she was on my side against porn instead of against me when I was choosing porn.
So let's talk about some practical steps that we can use to engage in these pretty difficult conversations that. Are inevitable, to be honest.
If you're struggling with how to open up about your difficulties with pornography or anything else for that matter, here are a few practical steps that you can use to guide the conversation.
Start by creating a plan. Before you start the conversation, take some time to clarify your thoughts.
I can't tell you how many times I sit down with men who are like, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it in a way that is I'm going to help my spouse understand what's going on for me. Ask yourself, what do I want to share? Ask yourself, what are your goals for this conversation?
Start trying to create some talking points that can help you create, that can help you convey what's going on inside. and help you start to share with your wife or your husband how you feel.
A clear plan can help you communicate with confidence and compassion.
Next, seek support, whether it's a coach or therapist, a trusted friend. Having a safe space to process this conversation can make a big difference.
The more you engage in these conversations, the easier they will be. And you may not need support as often, but these conversations can be pretty hard, and you don't have to navigate them alone.
Next, lead with love. When you're being honest, choose honesty as an act of commitment, rather than something you feel like you're obligated to engage in.
I know this seems like a small distinction, but I want you to understand, the more that this is something you're choosing because you want to choose your spouse, The more likely it is that you're going to succeed in these conversations. If you're doing this because you have to, like it's some sort of confessional and you're turning your spouse into your confessor, that's less likely to be helpful.
And it's less likely to create the connection that you're looking for, because it puts your spouse in a position to where she is now some sort of authority in your relationship, over your behavior rather than what your spouse really is, which is your partner.
Share your struggles and your desire to grow, not just for yourself, but also for the relationship in that framing, right?
Make it about love, make it about commitment, not about obligation. Make it about love, make it about commitment, make it about choosing the relationship.
Last one on this list is be patient. Remember, your spouse's reaction is theirs to process. It's not yours, it's not even really about you, even though you are a component of the impact. It's about giving them time and the space that they need to respond authentically, not requiring them to respond in any particular way.
What. What you're really doing here is you're trying to foster honesty in them as well, and so the more you're able to let their reaction be their own, the more likely it is that you're going to create an honest, intimate relationship.
Next, I want to talk about letting go of fear. It's a powerful force, and it tells us to hide and to avoid and to protect ourselves, but when fear controls us, it keeps us from living in alignment with our values.
So my client realized that his fear wasn't just about his wife's reaction, but it's about his own insecurities and The story that he'd been telling himself about his own self-worth.
By shifting his focus from avoiding fear to becoming the person that he wanted to be. He found the courage to have the hard conversations, and you might ask yourself, "well, what was the result?" And to be honest, it wasn't easy, but it brought him closer to his wife and allowed him to get a stronger sense of self in the process.
So if you're listening and you're thinking, "well, I can't tell my partner, they'll leave." I want you to pause and reply. Are you protecting them? Or are you protecting yourself from that negative consequence? Are you hiding from vulnerability in order to keep someone in your life?
Honesty doesn't mean controlling their reaction. It means showing up authentically and allowing them the space to respond. And that's, I'll be honest with you, that's tough. That's a difficult task. The more you can do that, the more likely you are to succeed in having a relationship that you actually want though.
And let's be honest, they might leave. That's the truth, but that's not your responsibility. What your responsibility is, is to show up authentically and own the space of vulnerability and creating a solid sense of self so that you can choose your spouse and connect with them in an honest, meaningful way in the long run.
reate an honest, meaningful, [:Thanks for joining me today on this episode of Thrive Beyond Pornography. If this conversation has resonated with you, take a moment and reflect on where honesty could bring more connection into your life.
If you need help engaging in that honest conversation, feel free to reach out to me. Feel free to send me an email, zach@zachspafford.com. Remember, growth starts with small, simple, courageous steps. If you're ready to take the next step, you can also go to gettothrive.com/workwithzach. And I would love to meet with you and have a conversation with you and your spouse about creating a more honest, connected relationship, especially around pornography.
Together we can build lives rooted in integrity, choice, and genuine connection. Have a great week! And remember, thriving beyond pornography begins with living in alignment with your values.
Alright my friends, I'll talk to you next week.
