From Control to Choice: A New Approach to Overcoming Porn Habits for Good

The Illusion of Control vs. the Practice of Choice

Thrive Beyond Pornography Podcast – Episode Blog

Welcome back to the Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast. I’m your host, Zach Spafford, and I’m glad you’re here.

Today, we’re diving into a topic that sits at the heart of so many struggles when it comes to changing your relationship with pornography—and honestly, with life in general:

We’re talking about control.

Specifically, the illusion of control, and how it’s probably doing more harm than good.

Most of us think:

“If I can just control my urges... control my thoughts... control every outcome—then I’ll finally be free.”

But that mindset often leads us right back to the same stuck place—frustrated, ashamed, and powerless. (If you’ve heard of the White Bear or Pink Elephant experiment, you’ll recognize how this plays out.)

So today, I want to offer something different.

A new way to think about this—not through the lens of control, but through the lens of choice. Because real agency doesn’t come from force or suppression. It comes from choosing—intentionally and courageously—while being willing to sit with discomfort.

We’re going to talk about:

What control looks like

Why it fails

And how to build the muscle of choice—even when your mind feels hijacked

Let’s get into it.

Part 1: The Control Trap

Let’s start by getting honest about what control actually looks like for most people struggling with unwanted pornography use.

For many, control means trying to shut everything down:

“I shouldn’t be thinking this.”

“I can’t feel this way.”

“If I just stay busy enough, I won’t mess up.”

This turns into a constant effort to monitor, suppress, and micromanage your inner world—your urges, thoughts, and emotions. The logic goes: if I can just keep a lid on it, I won’t slip up again.

Sound familiar?

This is the Control Trap.

It feels responsible, even noble. But it’s exhausting—and ultimately, ineffective.

Why?

Because control, in this context, is not freedom—it’s fear.

It’s the belief that if you don’t manage every thought and feeling perfectly, everything will fall apart.

But the truth is: the more we try to eliminate discomfort, the more likely we are to lose control and give in.

If you’ve ever tried not to think about something and found it showing up even more, that’s not a moral failure. That’s how the brain works. Suppression creates obsession.

So instead of acting from your values, you end up stuck in a cycle of reacting, suppressing, escaping—just to get relief.

This is where shame creeps in:

“I should be stronger than this.”

“Why can’t I just control myself?”

Let me be clear:

Your inability to control every thought or feeling doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It means you’re human.

And ironically, trying to control everything is often what keeps you stuck.

You’re not here to win a war against yourself.

You’re here to stop fighting long enough to make a real, empowered choice.

Part 2: Why Control Fails

Let’s dig into why this strategy—this instinct to clamp down—so often backfires.

First, let’s give credit where it’s due. The desire for control usually comes from a good place:

You want to do better. You want to align with your values. You don’t want to fall short.

But here’s the problem:

Rigid control is often just avoidance in disguise.

It’s trying to escape discomfort as quickly as possible:

Urges

Uncertainty

Emotions like shame, anxiety, loneliness

When your goal is just to “stop feeling,” you’re not building strength—you’re reinforcing fear. You’re telling your brain that discomfort is a danger, not a signal.

But discomfort isn’t the enemy.

In fact, discomfort is the currency of success.

Imagine going to the gym and only lifting weights that are easy. You won’t get stronger.

It’s the resistance that builds strength.

The same goes for emotional growth.

We grow by learning to stay present in discomfort, not by running from it.

This is where control breaks down.

Because trying to dominate your internal experience doesn’t build resilience—it builds pressure. And pressure builds until it explodes.

That’s when slipping into old behaviors feels inevitable. Not because you’re weak—but because the system you’re using wasn’t built for real change.

So here’s the reflection question:

Where in your life are you trying to control your way to success, instead of building the skill of responding with intention?

Is it in your relationships?

Your habits?

How you talk to yourself when you fail?

Where are you fighting, instead of choosing?

Part 3: The Practice of Choice

If control isn’t the path forward, what is?

The answer is: choice.

And not just any choice—values-based, conscious choice.

The kind that happens in the discomfort, not in spite of it.

This isn’t always easy. Especially when your body is activated, your thoughts are racing, and your old habits are screaming for attention.

That’s when you shift—from control to choice.

Here’s a tool I teach called Pause & Choose—a way to interrupt old patterns and step into your values, even in the heat of the moment.

🛠️ Pause & Choose: A 5-Step Practice

Step 1: Notice

Just observe what’s happening.

“I’m feeling restless.”

“I’m having the thought that I need relief.”

Step 2: Label

Name the experience. Say it or write it down.

This gives you space to choose instead of react.

Step 3: Breathe

Slow your system down. Take a few deep, intentional breaths.

Box breathing, 4-7-8, or any method that works for your brain is great. This step helps you get grounded.

Step 4: Ask

“What would I choose right now if I were living from my values?”

Not “What do I feel like doing?”

But: What matters most in the long run?

Step 5: Act

Take one small, aligned step.

Maybe you close your laptop. Maybe you stay with the urge consciously for five more minutes. Maybe you text a friend.

This is how you build agency.

Not by becoming perfect—but by learning how to make values-aligned choices, especially when it’s hard.

Because what matters isn’t what you do next—it’s why you do it.

If your next move is about escape, you’ll lose your grounded position—and porn tends to win.

But if your action is rooted in your values, chosen from emotional steadiness—you’re retraining your brain.

You’re teaching it: there’s no emergency.

And that’s how temptation begins to lose its power.

Part 4: Reframing Progress

Let’s talk about how this shift from control to choice changes how you measure progress.

Most people believe success means avoiding mistakes or staying in control 24/7. So when a slip happens, it feels like failure.

But with a choice mindset, progress looks different.

It’s not about perfection—it’s about increasing skill.

It’s about learning to stay present, act from your values, and grow from every experience—even the ones that don’t go as planned.

This mindset takes pressure off and replaces it with purpose.

Instead of asking,

“Did I fail today?”

Ask:

“What did I learn about how I show up when things are hard?”

This reframing turns urges into useful information.

It turns difficult emotions into data points.

It turns each day into a training ground—not a pass/fail test that decides your worth, but a space to build the strength that leads to real change.

You will have hard days.

You will face urges.

You will mess up.

But if you can meet those moments with curiosity instead of judgment, compassion instead of shame, you’re already rewriting the script.

You’re not here to prove your worth by being flawless.

You’re here to grow.

You’re here to choose—especially when it’s hard.

That’s real progress.

That’s real power.

Call to Action

Before you go, I want to leave you with a simple exercise to help you shift from control to choice:

Write down three areas where you’ve been trying to control the outcome—urges, emotions, what others think, or fear of failure.

For each one, ask:

“What small choice could I make here if I trusted myself to grow?”

You don’t need the perfect fix.

Just one values-aligned step in the right direction.

That’s how freedom is built—not through control, but through courageous choice.

If this episode resonated with you and you want to go deeper—whether through coaching, joining the course, or walking this path with support—reach out.

📧 Email: zach@zachspafford.com

📱 Instagram: @ThriveBeyondPorxography

If you’re enjoying the podcast, leave a review or share this post with someone who needs it. Help more people find their way to real, lasting change.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for showing up.

And remember:

Control might feel safe—but choice is where your power lives.

I’ll see you next time.