Overcome Pornography by Choosing Values Instead of Goals

Episode 108

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Shifting goals to values -: 9:26:21

You're welcome, Jay. Hey, all right. So today we're going to talk about a really, I think it's kind of a fun topic.

It's about a fundamental shift in how we look at things, how we're looking at the way that we're doing something and moving in a direction that is going to help us be better at achieving our result that we want, which is to stop looking at pornography. Now, the thing that we're going to talk about is we're going to, Talk about shifting goals to values.

And in this particular podcast, I would highly recommend that you, take notes and just kind of get yourself in a mental space to where you can make some shifts and decide to change the way that you think about what it is that you're doing with pornography. For me as a person who was struggling with pornography, I had one goal.

Stop looking at pornography. I think I, you know, I haven't really met too many people who they feel like, Hey, pornography is not good for me. And their goal wasn't to stop looking at pornography. There's a problem with having this as, as your goal. It isn't that it isn't a worthy goal. Cause I think it is a worthy goal.

The problem with having this goal is that goals are about finite moments in time. So goals are about achieving a target at a point, usually in the future, that once we've passed that point, they will no longer be as relevant to your daily life as they were before you achieved that goal. The goal, that means that, you know, once this goal is achieved, it stops being relevant.

And then it becomes something that you're no longer shooting for. So let me give you an example. You know, some of you may have done an Ironman competition. We just had the world championship Ironman here in St. George, not this last weekend, but the weekend before that. And if you have a goal of racing in the Ironman, you do certain things on a set schedule to achieve that goal.

The day of the race comes and then goes, and then the next day you're back to your routine. You had before you were training to become an Ironman or an Iron Woman, and that's what a goals-based result looks like. What about those people for. For whom for, you know, they, for years, they just keep doing it.

They just keep having, you know, they, they go to Ironman competitions all the time. They seem to love it. They seem to be doing it as part of who they are. Not simply saying, Hey, well, I accomplished this thing.

Think of somebody that, you know, that's run a marathon and they ran it like one time and it was like the greatest achievement in their life. And they've never run again. They've never put on their sneakers again. That's what we're talking about here.

Often when I see men or women who come to me after, you know, a year of not looking at pornography and they have been training hard and achieving a goal and they turn things off on their phones and they've been real careful not to be left alone and they've changed certain aspects of their lives as a process of exercising the willpower to achieve a goal.

That, that's all great, but then the moment It is achieved, right? One year of sobriety maybe. It's no longer a goal. And all of that work that we've done to get to a certain point may stop happening. And this is what a diet looks like as well, right? You stop eating certain foods, uh, foods that you will go back to once you've gotten to, you know, X weight.

Then when you achieve X weight, the goal is no longer a goal. You go back to the way you ate before and then maybe even worse than before. And that is why most people who go on a diet, End up gaining it all back, and then some.

The problem is this goal based system of seeking achievement is not attuned to the long term result that you're actually looking to create.

What you need, what, you know, what we all need is our values, learning to create a values based decision making process. We'll clean up all the struggle that we have with ourselves and what we aren't achieving. So this week, I'm going to teach you how values work and then. Next week, we're going to teach you about how to decide what your values are and how to live them more fully.

So, number one, values are here and now. So we're going to look at six differences and six key components of what are values versus goals. So values are here. And now goals are in the future. So just like the, the case of a certain number of pounds that you want to lose or running the Ironman, once you've achieved your goal, you stop looking at pornography, it's no longer a goal.

at to the point where you've [: 00:05:00

Well, rather than say, I'm never going to look at pornography again, that's my goal, we create a value around who we want to be when that goal is achieved, right? So, you know, I like to use I statements for this because they easily capture who we are, and by virtue of the nature of I statements, they are in the now.

I live chastely, or I keep my commitments to myself sexually. Or I choose sexual experiences that create intimacy. These kinds of values are about me. They're about now, and they are not the value of someone who views pornography. We can still have goals of eliminating pornography or getting better at, you know, dealing with our emotions, things like that, or maybe even losing a certain number of pounds or competing in an Ironman.

And that's, that's totally worthwhile. But when we want to succeed long term. We have to have a value, right? And these goals, goals that we set, they serve as markers of how we live our values rather than the substance of our purpose.

Number two is values never need to be justified. So values are a lot like our favorite drink.

It's, it's not really possible to justify why you like a certain type of drink. My favorite drink is root beer. I love root beer. I, you know, I will go to the mat with anybody who says root beer is not the best drink. But lots of people prefer Coke or they prefer Pepsi or whatever, right? You'll rarely, Have to answer for why you have a value because it just is right.

You are more likely to need to answer for the actions that you are trying to take or that you are taking to live up to that value. So one of our values is that we educate our children in our, and you know, in our home, we have, we have chosen to homeschool. That's how we have lived out that value. Now, no one has ever been like, why do you educate your children?

No one's ever asked that, but lots of people have asked us, why do you homeschool? Do you see the difference there? A value, we educate our children. It's not the same as the way that we execute on a value. So, you know, lots of people can believe I educate my children and they could send their kids to public school.

They could send them to private school. They can do all kinds of stuff.

And sometimes we have to explain that we have to explain, you know, if I send my kid to private school, I might have to explain to somebody why am I, why I pay so much to send them to school, that sort of thing, but no one is questioning the value.

Values often need to be prioritized. Living our values, and so this is number three, uh, living our values means that we let one value or another take a back seat to other values that might need to be in the front and center in a given time, right? So as a missionary, I set aside my values of learning in a secular setting or earning a living, and I spent time, as a missionary, I was out there preaching the gospel. I was learning the gospel. So I didn't set aside learning altogether, but I set aside my secular learning. And then when I came home, my values of sharing the gospel and sharing my testimony, they come up occasionally, they continue to come up, but they're no longer my total focus.

So sometimes our values are prioritized one in front of the other. Not because one is more important, but because that's just the way that the world works.

So just be aware of that when you're thinking about how values work, right?

Number four here is, values are best held lightly. I just want you to just maybe allow for a little bit more lightly holding our values. So that we don't get so caught up in them that we fail. Okay. And some values will take priority in our lives at various times, and that's important, but we also need to be aware that values can change and morph.

And this means that the process of growth in our lives allows us to realize that values are not absolute rules. So for instance, my wife, Darcy, she is a vegetarian. But imagine like, so her value is I don't eat meat or I, I only eat vegetables, right? So whatever you want to say, your value is there. Well, imagine if Darcy got into a situation where there wasn't, there were no vegetables and all there was was like beef jerky.

So is she going to hold her value so strict and tight that she's just going to die? Or is she going to allow that value to morph and maybe, uh, be managed in an appropriate way so that she can survive that moment?

on the speedometer or on the [: 00:10:00

So just kind of keep that in mind. What I am saying is, You know, just be aware that what you're doing might be the thing that's holding you back. Strict fixation on how you absolutely can't look at pornography ever might be part of what's holding you back.

And just allow that to be held lightly so that you can more freely look at, okay, how else can I create value in my life that I, you know, that I want to move forward towards, right?

Number five here is values are freely chosen. And this is very much a component of agency, in my opinion. If we want to own our values, we, we have to choose them.

It can't be that somebody's like, "here's your values," you know that's not gonna work. They, they absolutely must be ours because we want them to be ours. Not because we must have them as ours. Not because somebody told us that they're our values. Not because, I, I find this as a situation that I deal with a lot with, spouses where a spouse will come in and she'll say, "well, this is our value. He's not living up to this value and this is our value." And it's really this forced on thing. And I think a lot of men who come into this scenario, they're like, I want this to be my value, but I can't really, Own it fully because someone is literally ramming it down my throat.

And I think it's important to recognize that any sense of compulsion is really very much likely to eventually create some rebellion. So if you've ever been in that situation where somebody is like, "this is how we're doing it". Um, just be aware. I think lots of people have had that sort of scenario in their lives and just be aware.

The more you try to force a value onto somebody, the more likely they are to rebel, and the less likely they are to really take that value on as their own, and own it 100% from a place of agency, from a place of being able to choose yes and no. Rather than compulsion. Okay.

Number six. And this is the last one.

Values include self and others. When we live the value of choosing sexual experiences that create intimacy, for example, that value needs to reflect in our actions for ourselves and for others. And what that means is when we think about how our values function and guide our actions, there has to be consistency between how I treat others and how I expect others to be treated and how I treat myself.

So this, this process of understanding, okay, what's the difference between values and goals is really, really important. To give you some clarity in terms of when I live values, I'm much more likely to be long term capable of leaving behind bad habits that don't fit into those values.

When I look to achieve goals I'm much more likely to achieve that goal in the short term and then leave it behind. And maybe even go back to that same negative habit that isn't necessarily helping me live according to my values. Okay. Hopefully that's a helpful separation of these two things.

Oftentimes, we're looking to achieve a specific result and we are not achieving it. Partly because we are looking to achieve it from the wrong place. All right, you guys, I love you. This is so amazing, this work that we're doing. And I really hope that as you share this with others, that it is both blessing your life and their lives.

We'll talk to you next week. Bye.