4 Proven Strategies to Help Your Kids Navigate Pornography Exposure
🎧 Episode 77: 4 Proven Strategies to Help Your Kids Navigate Pornography Exposure
Zach and Darcy also discuss why shielding your children completely from pornography isn’t realistic—and why preparing them with emotional resilience, healthy sexuality education, and support is far more effective.
Whether your child has already been exposed to porn or you're just trying to get ahead of it, this episode gives you tools to start honest, non-shaming conversations that build trust and connection.
🛠️ Resources Mentioned:
- Covenant Eyes: Monitoring and accountability tool
- Thrive Beyond Pornography Membership: Join now and get parent-specific coaching and community support
- Email Zach directly: info@zachspafford.com
đź“© Want to be the first to know when our new course for parents drops? Sign up at zachspafford.com and get on the list!
Transcript
Episode 77
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[: tips to help your kids -:All right, listen, we wanna talk about kids. And one of the things that we often get asked about is how do I help my kids stay away from the dangers of pornography? And I think it's really important for everyone out there to, to think about this. If you have kids, this is something you should be thinking about.
Yes. Uh, and, and you have to be thinking about it in a different way than this question poses the question because it is not. It's not strictly a reality that you're gonna be able to keep your kids away from the dangers of pornography. And I, I wanna just kind of be clear about this, uh, when we talk about pornography, we are talking about sexual imagery intended to create arousal.
And I think it's [:So, yeah, so I think there's a curiosity component there that we need to be aware of. And you need to be careful not to shame your child for having curiosity in, you know, in this particular situation. Uh, there's a reason why they're looking at pornography. It's, it's, you know, it's the same reason why when I was a kid, we made out with girls.
eeking out when they look at [:In a shameful or, you know, punitive way. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so one of the things that we use, and I'm just gonna tell you about it here at the beginning, and then we're gonna get into the four tips that we have for you as parents if you're listening to this, to help your kids deal with pornography in their lives.
Uh, the, one of the things we use is covenant eyes. They have given us a free membership to that. So we have been fortunate enough to, you know, use that and enjoy it. And there's a link on my website. That if you go to, it's the free stuff or the amazing stuff actually. So you go to zack spot for.com/the stuff or the click on the amazing stuff, link on the website and there's a, you know, a, a button where you can go and you can download covenant eyes.
and, and buys it. But that's [:Yeah. And, and just to be totally honest, we have it on our computers and I talked to one of my kids about it and I said, so what do you think about it? Like, does it help at all? You know, whatever. And he said. He said, uh, yeah, it certainly helps because I definitely don't want to look at something knowing that it could potentially be screenshot and sent to you for you to see.
So, and then we're gonna have a conversation about it, and then he is gonna have to talk about it. Right. So, and that's really, I think what it does, it does, you know, it does have some. Filter filtering capacity, but more than anything, it's gonna help facilitate the conversation that we're gonna talk about.
t necessarily what we would, [:Like, what's this about? Is, is this, you know, really what's going on here? You wanna be here, right. Spending your time doing. And then also being able to see, you know, what times of the day that they are using their device also. So, yeah, definitely. All right, so tip number one is talk often. And this I think is one of the most important keys to making sure that you can help your kids navigate the waters of pornography in their life, is being an open and honest communication space so that they have.
They know what's gonna happen. They, they have an understanding of, okay, you know, what are we talking about and why are we talking about this? Yeah. And, and I, maybe we've said this on the podcast before, but I don't think we have, but it was Valentine's Day and we were talking and we were like, oh, maybe we'll do like 14 things that we love about each other, or something like that.
e of our kids said, Hey, you [:And they were like, no. And, and then they literally ran out of the room. Yeah. They weren't like, no. They were like, I'm out. Yeah. And then Zach left and went. And so then I gathered the kids back and I said, Hey, so do you know what that is like. And they're like, oh no, maybe I think, well, one of my friends Googled it or whatever.
ike, it's this and this, you [:But being able to be willing, if you're listening to this by the way, and you don't know what 69 is, don't, don't Google it. Go, go ask your mom. Yes. Um, but I realized if I don't have that conversation with my kid and have that and, and talk about that, then they'll just Google it. Right, right. Like that, that's the world we live in.
And so just being willing to have that conversation and have it often is huge and not, and set those opportunities up. Yeah, like really set those up. One of the things that we do is when we're driving with our kids, especially when we've got one of them alone, we, you know, take that opportunity to have the conversations about, you know, Hey, what's going on for you?
s every time they would just [:But, but, but being willing to have that conversation and. And working through the uncomfortable feelings that you might have around having that conversation. You know, I've, I've had friends call me and say, Hey, this happened. Like what do I do? How do I talk about it? Or how do I prepare my kids for this?
And, and, and I love helping people have these conversations because it's so important that we. Are willing to talk about these things. Yeah. Well and you know, if you're a part of our membership, you can come into the parents' call and have that conversation just like what you were talking about where, you know, I'm not sure how to address this with my kids, or how do I get my head around this?
have those conversations or [:Yeah. And speaking of the membership, it is open for I think 48 hours. So we open it up just once a month. And so view on in for the month of March. Now's your Monday head over to our website. Yeah, there's gonna be a link in, there's actually gonna be a link in the show notes. So, okay. Check it out. Uh, step number two or tip number two is be real.
And this, I think, is often one of the most difficult things for parents to do, especially when it comes to, you know, the, the things we don't want our kids to be doing and the things that we maybe have done or engaged with. And being real is really important here. You know, just being honest about what's going on for you or what happened for you.
d this is what I learned and [:But let me tell you the story of, you know, what that looks like and just be real with them. You know, take what they're experiencing and, and allow yourself to. Just be totally honest about how your journey occurred and being, being willing to be to be human. Yeah. Right. Like, hell yeah. The way when we are, when we're real with our kids, it's, it's a way to connect and them to see you for, for who you are and not just like the author, you know?
e been able to, to grow and, [:Yep. And, and hopefully, you know, if you're, if you're struggling with this now, you know, it's totally okay to say, Hey, this is something I currently struggle with and I, you know, I just want to teach you. What has been a problem for me and why it's been a problem for me, right? Being totally real is, I, I think it's hard to be authentic because we think people will hate us for it or they'll treat us differently.
And the truth is, I don't think that is as true as we think it is. Uh, step number three is be kind. And I think this one is so much, it, it's so important, right? Because we oftentimes, we think our kids know what they're supposed to do. And that's not as true as, as we think it is, and just being kind and being able to say, oh, I see where you are and I see how you're feeling and I see what it is that's going on for you.
trations with this situation [:And so then when our kids struggles, it's oftentimes very easy to attach all of our fears and insecurities surrounding our like marital relationship and then almost dumping them onto our children. Yeah. And, and you know, having thoughts like. Oh my goodness, you're gonna hurt your future wife. Just like your dad hurt me.
he's gonna end up, you know, [:Yeah. Was was telling him he's gonna be addicted to this and never be able to stop and it's just gonna keep getting worse and worse. Like my brain like told me all of those lovely, lovely thoughts that didn't make it so I was able to show up in the best. Way possible. Yeah. All those, these years. And I think just, you know, coming to that conversation with the attitude of, it's my job to teach you and it's my job to help you understand, and I can't make, you know anything, uh, I can just be there for this conversation and help you begin that process of learning that I think is gonna help you so much when it comes to trying to just be kind and be being kind for them and to them.
nd you create that emotional [:Yeah. They don't even, they don't even want to come to me. They don't want to have that conversation and. And another big thing is there, there are a lot of, of young adults that, that we work with and I work with the wives and the things that they, they open up to us about is that like their parents. Their moms thought that they were going to be serial killers because they looked at pornography.
Right. Or that they were gonna be rapists or that they were gonna be child molesters and pedophiles. Right. Like all of these things. And, and you think about that and you're like, how that those poor kids, like no wonder they're so stuck looking at pornography and can't seem to break that cycle because they have all these beliefs that were offered to them by their, their parents about.
they might be in the future. [:One of the things that we ask our kids to do, because we know they're running across it and we know it's a part of the reality that they live in, is, is if they're turning to pornography to deal with how they're feeling, we ask them to just. Take a minute to ask themselves, what's going on for me? What am I feeling?
t, he said, I was just horny [:And then he said, I cannot believe I just said that to you. I cannot believe I just told you I was horny. Like he was so embarrassed. But he had that conversation with me and I was like, that's great, right? Because part of it is, is teaching our kids to understand why it is that they are seeking out pornography when they do versus.
Them just shaming them for it and Yeah, and for them just not even being aware, right? Like they're not even aware. Right. Awareness is the first step to change anything because if we are not aware of what's going on. There's no way to change it. Like, how do you even know what to change if you're not aware?
Yeah, absolutely. And, and these are some of the questions that you can ask them. You know, what, what is it that you're feeling? Why is it that you're feeling this way? You know, just being available to listen and hear them where they are. In their space, what they're trying to accomplish, what they've been struggling with.
or a huge component of just [:You know, they, they don't have a whole lot of experience. They might have questions, and you're gonna want to get yourself in a head space where you're able and willing to answer those questions. Because the truth is, is that if you can become the expert for them, if you can become that source of knowledge, they don't need to turn to Google.
They don't need to turn to, uh, the, the other kids in the, in, in their area that, that their friends and that sort of thing, they can come to you and be. Able to have that open, honest communication knowing that you will provide them with real answers rather than platitudes and obfuscations, which Darcy's like, what are those two words?
you know, phrases that don't [:And I, and I think it's so important to remember that this is, this is life now. This is a struggle that almost all teens will have exposure to, that it's, it's life. It's, we, we have to stop. Like living under a rock and believing that this, this isn't going to affect our, affect our children. That this isn't something that they will be exposed to, that this isn't something that they might have friends that joke around about, like, this is, this is part of life.
This is:And let's just face this head on and know that we have the, the tools, now we have the skills, they're available. We just need to teach them to our kids. We need to teach them to ourselves. And we need to be that, that space where their kids can come and be like, I need to understand this so that I don't get lost.
t don't do it. It's bad and, [:Like, but there's no, like in between. We don't really do a lot of educating. Around sexuality and it's, and it's really one of those things that we're like, just suppress it until you're married. Yeah. And. I think there's great power when we are willing to have those conversations with our kids, and nobody's gonna have those conversations with your kids if you are not having them.
Like you cannot rely on someone else to have that conversation, which I think is often what some of us do. You know, I think there was a, definitely a period in the church where, uh, from my perspective, you know, as, as someone who grew up in the church where it was kind of like, oh, the young men's leaders and the young women's leaders will kind of help them navigate some of these waters.
g to our kids. No, we don't. [:We, we would actually prefer that. Uh, that none of none of their church lessons were on this. Right. Yeah. And because this is so important to us that we have these conversations with our kids so that it can be done in a, in a way that is not shaming, that is not damaging to their sexuality and to their emotional wellbeing.
It's right. Not that, not that we don't trust, you know, our, our church leaders or the their church leaders, but just we are not convinced that they have the same level of understanding or the same understanding that we want to convey to our kids, whether they have the, you know, whatever their level of understanding is.
n being real about it, being [:On this particular topic. So, you know, if you have questions about this, if this is something you would like to talk about before you get into that situation where you do need to talk to, talk to your kids about it, please come, you know, have a conversation with Darcy or I, you can set up a free consult or you can join the membership, uh, for the next 24 hours.
We'd love to have you. We, you know, this is something that is important and it's a passion of ours. Uh, and, and if you have, you know, if you want us to come and talk to your. Uh, young men and young women, we would happily come and have that conversation. If you want us to come talk to the adults, uh, we would happily have that conversation.
en doing something right now [:We, you know, talking about calls and pornography and, uh, yeah, pornography and, uh, it's just been, we did a webinar. It's just been a, a real joy to be able to do this. Um, and it, we're so blessed. This is, this marks the one year anniversary of us really starting our business and. Um, you know, we're 77 episodes into the podcast.
We've had some bonus podcasts in there as well. We've been on so many different podcasts and we're just so grateful that this is what we get to do every day, full time, every day. And we are going to be working on a course for parents and, and how to help their kids, uh, navigate these waters, navigate, navigate pornography.
o@zachspafford.com and Yeah, [:Alright, you guys have a great week. We love you. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Self-Mastery Podcast. Imagine you sitting next to your loved one and no longer bogged down by the greatest trial of your life. Each month I offer a free webinar that you can attend, where you can get your questions answered about how you can break free from pornography use.
Take a moment now and go to the website, zachspafford.com/freecall, and you can sign up for free. You don't wanna miss out on this amazing opportunity to ask questions, learn a new skill. And even get coached live if you like. We'll see you then.
