How do I trust my spouse after pornography use
Create realistic expectations - Not expecting my husband to commit to things I know he doesn’t have skills for.
Looking honestly at yourself
- Could you honestly commit to eliminating your coping mechanism immediately
- Instead of looking to give you a right answer, because that answer looks like it will give you peace of mind, it is about being able to
- Instead of expecting your partner to give you the right answer because it might make you feel better in the moment
- Become willing to hear the honest answer without losing yourself and becoming disregulated.
Creating realistic expectations reduces the possibilities that you are setting your partner up to make lying to you his safest move
Don’t make their behavior about you -
- This is difficult and they do impact you
- It may hurt when your partner doesn’t live up to your values and your shared values
Be willing to be wrong
- Reevaluating your understanding of pornography
- Being willing to address where you are not being or have not been kind in the relationship
- Become willing to see how you’ve been untrustworthy in the relationship.
- It might be good sense for your partner to not share what is going on for them around pornography
- What you do when you learn the truths and realities of your spouses struggle impacts their decisions, sense of self, and their sense of the relationship
- This is not an excuse for their choices, it is an awareness of your impact on them as you are becoming aware of their impact on you.
Become willing to hear the truth of where your spouse is in their journey
- Not internalize it to mean anything about you
- Be capable of choosing to be near your partner even when that truth is not what you want to hear
You become more trustworthy, which sets up a framework where openness and honesty are not simply expected but more likely. Because your partner becomes more aware of your capacity to hear their open, honest reality. And you become more capable of confronting their reality without needing to cater to their struggles or enfold into their anxiety.
