How to Manage Urges and Reclaim Your Power
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Transcript
**Episode 7: How to Manage Urges and Reclaim Your Power**
Welcome to the Self-Mastery Podcast! I’m your host, Zach Spafford, and this is another Mastery Monday. I’m excited to have you here today for Episode 7, where we’re diving into how to manage urges effectively and take back control of your choices. This is a follow-up to last week’s conversation about buffering—because everyone buffers, and everyone has the power to stop.
Today, we’re going deeper into understanding urges, why they show up, and, most importantly, how to handle them so they no longer run your life. If you’ve ever struggled with an impulse that feels overwhelming, whether it’s reaching for another slice of cake, scrolling mindlessly on your phone, or something more serious like pornography, this episode is for you. Let’s get started.
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### **What Are Urges, and Why Do They Feel So Powerful?**
We touched on this last week, but it bears repeating: an urge is a signal from your lower brain. It’s your primitive brain saying, *“This feels good. Do it now.”* This part of your brain is wired to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy. That’s why urges often feel urgent—they’re designed to push you into action.
But here’s the catch: just because an urge feels strong doesn’t mean it’s right. It doesn’t mean it aligns with your long-term goals or moral compass. For example, if a pregnant woman craves peanut butter and pickles but has a peanut allergy, she wouldn’t give in to that craving because it’s harmful. Similarly, we need to learn to evaluate our urges and decide if acting on them truly serves us.
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### **Reacting vs. Responding: The Key to Breaking the Habit Loop**
One of the most important tools you can develop is the ability to respond to an urge instead of reacting. Let’s define these terms:
- **Reacting** happens when your lower brain takes over. It’s automatic, habitual, and requires no conscious thought. You’re on autopilot, much like driving to work and forgetting to stop for that breakfast sandwich you planned to pick up.
- **Responding** involves your higher brain—the part of you that thinks critically and aligns decisions with your values. Responding is deliberate. It’s the process of pausing, evaluating, and choosing a path that serves your long-term goals.
The goal is to shift from reacting to responding. This shift doesn’t happen overnight, but with practice, it can become your default mode.
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### **Why Buffering Becomes a Habit**
Buffering—whether through overeating, binge-watching, or pornography—is essentially reacting to an urge without considering the long-term consequences. Over time, this creates a well-worn neural pathway in your brain. It becomes the automatic route your brain takes, much like driving to work without thinking about the directions.
The more you buffer, the stronger the habit becomes. But here’s the good news: you can disrupt that pattern. You can build new pathways by choosing different responses.
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### **Step 1: Allow the Urge**
The first step to breaking the buffering cycle is learning to allow the urge. This means stepping back and observing the urge without acting on it.
Here’s what this looks like:
- When an urge arises, acknowledge it. Say to yourself, *“I see you, urge. I know you’re here.”*
- Resist the temptation to suppress it or fight it. Suppressing urges often backfires, leading to stronger cravings and eventual binges.
- Instead, allow the urge to exist. Notice how it feels in your body. Where is it? What does it feel like? Be curious about it.
By allowing the urge without acting on it, you teach your brain that it’s okay for the urge to exist. Over time, the intensity of the urge will decrease. You’re no longer feeding it, so it loses its power.
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### **Step 2: Plan and Engage Your Higher Brain**
The second step is to engage your higher brain by making decisions in advance. This means taking the impulsiveness out of the equation.
For example:
- If you have an urge to eat an entire chocolate cake, don’t act on it in the moment. Instead, plan it. Decide, *“If I still want this cake, I’ll have it next Tuesday at 5 PM.”*
- Write it down. Tell someone you trust, or even talk to God about it. Bring the decision into the realm of your higher brain, where you can evaluate it rationally.
Often, you’ll find that by the time Tuesday rolls around, the intensity of the urge has faded, and you no longer feel the need to indulge. Planning gives you space to think critically and make choices that align with your goals.
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### **The Role of Dopamine in Urges**
Urges often feel so compelling because they’re tied to dopamine—a chemical in your brain associated with pleasure and reward. Activities like eating sugar, watching Netflix, or scrolling through social media give you quick hits of dopamine, but they don’t offer lasting satisfaction.
True satisfaction comes from activities that take time and effort, like building a skill or deepening a relationship. When you choose to respond to an urge instead of reacting, you’re prioritizing long-term gratification over short-term pleasure.
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### **Shame vs. Curiosity**
One of the biggest obstacles to overcoming buffering is shame. When you act on an urge, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame: *“Why am I so weak? What’s wrong with me?”*
But shame is not helpful. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of buffering and self-loathing. Instead of shaming yourself, approach your urges with curiosity. Ask:
- *“Why did this urge come up?”*
- *“What was I feeling right before it showed up?”*
- *“What can I learn from this experience?”*
Curiosity opens the door to growth, while shame slams it shut.
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### **Practical Takeaways**
Here’s a quick recap of how to manage urges:
1. **Allow the urge**: Observe it without acting on it. Let it exist without suppressing or indulging it.
2. **Engage your higher brain**: Plan your decisions in advance. Schedule indulgences if needed, and involve someone you trust in the process.
3. **Focus on long-term satisfaction**: Remind yourself that true happiness comes from effort and growth, not instant gratification.
This process takes time and practice, but it works. You can rewire your brain and reclaim control over your habits.
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### **A Final Note on Urges**
Urges are a natural part of being human. They don’t define you, and they don’t mean anything about your worth. Everyone experiences them. The key is learning how to respond to them in a way that aligns with your values and long-term goals.
If you’re struggling with a buffering behavior and need guidance, I’d love to help. Sign up for a free mini-session at GetToThrive.com/workwithme (https://GetToThrive.com/workwithme). Together, we can create a plan to help you overcome the habits holding you back.
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Thanks for joining me on this episode of the Podcast. If you found this helpful, please share it with someone who could benefit. Leave a review on iTunes or Spotify—it helps others find the podcast and start their own journey toward self-mastery.
Have a great week, and I’ll see you next time!
