How we justify and it leads to porn
One of my clients sent me a message a couple of weeks ago that I thought was common but interesting.
He was talking about how he had become bored while he was studying and the thought crossed his mind to google something that he could tell at the time was a distraction from what he would ideally choose. He just wanted a little high, just wanted to kill time with something interesting, as he described it. I wanted something more subtle.
Then he moved from there, out of curiosity googled, “do people walk around naked at home?”
So, he asked me, “Is there anything that I can do, even when my brain is being subtle, is there any tool that I can catch myself?” Knowing as he mentioned in his voice memo, I would suggest that he listen to my course video “the truth, the justification, and the lie”
Then he said, “Is there anything that I can do to get rid of this right away?”
One of the things I do in my individual coaching is deep dive into what is going on in the 30 or so minutes before we choose pornography.
For this client, his brain is being very subtle as it offers him something that will be highly appealing at the moment.
What is happening for him in that moment is that the habit running part of the brain has received a cue, that subtly begins the response process, in order to create a highly appealing reward. In episode 69 I dive into how our brain can create new habits.
One of the keys that this client and everyone who is working to eliminate a pornography habit from their life must do is create and practice new ways to respond to cues.
I know that sounds overly simplistic, even if it is true.
Those who join my membership and those who get individual coaching with me work on some very specific techniques to retrain their brains to respond to the cues we receive in order to avoid the rabbit hole altogether in the long run.
Before we change our habits, we have to be able to recognize when our brain is being subtle and start identifying where we are playing into its desire to feel good now rather than deal with what’s uncomfortable.
I think there are a few questions I might to ask that might help decipher between the wholesome passing of time and the start of the rabbit hole.
It’s also really important to ask these questions with the same curiosity that you are bringing to the questions that are working to pull you away from your values.
- Is what I am currently doing on the internet something that I would be comfortable and confident doing when I am at my best and living my values?
- If I were to ask myself on my best day, considering my current relationship with pornography would I encourage myself to search away on the current topic or would I be able to see that I might be approaching a line of what I would feel was contrary to my values?
- If I look into my past have there been similar instances like this that have lead me down a path that I am wanting to stay off?
- If I were on the outside looking in would I be comfortable with the person I am currently being?
