“I’m Broken”: Debunking the Most Common Lie

Episode 303

🎙️ Thrive Beyond Pornography – Episode: “I’m Broken”: Debunking the Most Common Lie

Section I: Introduction – The Origins of “I’m Broken”


Hey everyone, and welcome to another episode of Thrive Beyond Pornography. I’m your host, Zach Spafford—and today, we’re diving into one of the most powerful and painful lies many of us have ever believed: “I’m broken.”

Maybe you’ve said it to yourself after another moment of struggle.
Maybe it echoes in the background of your life like a familiar hum—“I should be past this by now. Something must be wrong with me.”
And maybe you’ve come to accept that lie as truth.

But here’s what I want you to hear right now, right at the beginning of this episode:
If you’ve ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, “What’s wrong with me?”—you’re not broken. You’re human.

For many of us, the belief that we’re broken didn’t start in adulthood. It’s often rooted in a complex blend of experiences:

Maybe you were raised in a religious environment that emphasized purity and perfection, especially when it came to sexuality. And when you didn’t live up to those ideals, it felt like not just a failure—but a character flaw.

Or maybe it came to you through childhood experiences of emotional neglect, criticism, or trauma. When our needs weren’t met or our feelings weren’t validated, we can internalize the message: “I must be the problem.”

I want to be clear here, this can be real or perceived, so I don’t want you to call you mom and blame her. I want you to look at this objectively and see what is there, not go looking for someone to blame about it.

And then there’s the layer of unmet expectations. You set a goal: “I’m never going to look at porn again.”


But then, the next day… or week… you slip.
And instead of seeing that as a part of the process, you label yourself:


“I keep messing up. Clearly something is wrong with me.”

If any of this resonates, I want to acknowledge something important: you’re not alone in thinking this way. I’ve heard it from clients, I’ve felt it myself.


But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s true.

In this episode, we’re going to unpack that lie—and more importantly, we’re going to replace it.


We’re going to talk about how to move from believing you’re broken… to recognizing that you’re whole, even as you heal.

Because thriving beyond pornography isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about seeing yourself clearly, choosing values over shame, and learning to walk in alignment—even when the path isn’t easy.

Let’s get into it.

Section II: Why You’re Not Broken – The Brain’s Design and Emotional Adaptation


So let’s get to the heart of this lie.


Let’s talk about why you’re not broken—and why this belief isn’t just untrue, it’s unhelpful.

Here’s the truth:
You are not a machine that malfunctioned. You are a human being—an organism designed to adapt, survive, and grow. And everything you’ve done—even the things you regret—has likely served a purpose at some point in your life.

When someone says to me, “I keep going back to porn—I must be defective,”


I’ll often say: “What if this isn’t dysfunction… but adaptation?”

Think about it: most of us turn to pornography not because we’re immoral or defective, but because it works.

It helps us escape. It helps us numb out. It gives us a sense of control or comfort when life feels overwhelming.
It might be anxiety. Loneliness. Shame. Exhaustion. Even boredom.


Porn becomes a coping mechanism.

And the brain loves anything that gives quick relief. That’s not brokenness—that’s biology.

Your brain isn’t designed for perfection—it’s designed for efficiency, for survival. And pornography? It delivers dopamine fast. It provides pseudo-connection. It takes the edge off without asking you to do the deeper emotional work of healing or connection.

So no—you’re not broken.


You’ve just learned to survive in a particular way.


And now, you’re here because you want to grow in a different direction.

Here’s something I often remind my clients:

“You’re not broken. You’ve been coping with unpleasant and unwanted discomfort. There’s a difference—and you can get good at being uncomfortable to the point where you no longer need to escape.”

The way you’ve been coping isn’t proof of failure. It’s proof that you were doing the best you knew how with the tools you had.

Now, it’s time to learn some new tools.


Not because you’re broken… but because you’re growing.

So if your brain learned to run toward relief through porn, guess what?
It can also learn to move toward intimacy, integrity, and self-respect.

It’s not about rewiring a broken system.


It’s about nurturing a wise, adaptable, and resilient one.

In this podcast, we’re going to talk about what it looks like to create a new story.
One where you embrace yourself and your imperfections as part of your wholeness—not a reason to hide.

Let’s go there.

Section III: Moving from Goals to Values – A New Way to See Yourself


So now that we’ve challenged the idea that you’re broken, let’s talk about how to move forward—because freedom isn’t just about behavior change.


It’s about identity.

One of the biggest shifts we help people make in this coaching work is the shift from goal-based living to values-based living.

Here’s what I mean.


Most people who come to me have a very clear goal: “I just want to stop looking at porn.”


That’s not a bad goal.


But it’s incomplete.

See, goals are finite. They exist in a specific moment in time—usually the future—and once you hit them, they’re done. The problem is, once that finish line is crossed, the motivation often disappears. The structure, the habits, the self-awareness that got you there? Gone. Because the goal is gone.

That’s why so many people fall back into old patterns after 90 days, or a year, or even longer.


It’s not because they didn’t try hard enough.


It’s because they were chasing a finish line instead of becoming a new kind of person.

Let me give you a quick analogy:
Some people train for an Ironman. They build their lives around it, follow the schedule, change how they eat, how they sleep, how they move. And when the race is done, many of them go right back to their old routines.


But others? They become triathletes. They don’t just complete a race—they change how they see themselves. And because of that, they keep living in alignment with that identity long after the event.

Now, imagine your identity is “someone who doesn’t watch porn.”


That’s still behavior-focused.


What if your identity is “I live with integrity,” or “I choose intimacy over escape,” or “I keep my commitments to myself”?


Those are values.


They’re not about perfection or arrival—they’re about how you show up right now, and again tomorrow, and the day after that.

Here’s the key difference:

Goals ask, “What do I want to achieve?”
Values ask, “Who am I?”

And when you live from your values, you don’t just stop doing something—you start becoming someone.

So, I want you to consider this:
Instead of saying “I’m trying to quit porn,”
What if you said, “I’m someone who practices self-respect”?


Instead of saying “I hope I don’t slip this week,”


What if you said, “I live with honesty and courage, even when it’s hard”?

These kinds of statements aren't just affirmations.


They're declarations of identity.


They’re anchors—especially when temptation or shame show up.

You may still make mistakes. That’s part of the growth curve.


But when you’re anchored in your values, a mistake doesn’t define you.


It just becomes another opportunity to practice becoming the person you truly want to be.

Let me share some real-life stories of what this transformation looks like—people who used to believe they were broken, but began to live in a new story.

Section IV: Real Stories of Reframing and Healing

So let’s talk about what this looks like in real life—because it’s one thing to hear, “You’re not broken.”


It’s another to start believing it.

One of the most powerful ways I’ve seen people move beyond the brokenness story is through reframing their experience and choosing to live their values—even when they still struggle.

I want to share a story—not with names, but with permission.

I had a client—we’ll call him Mike. Mike had been caught in a cycle of porn use and shame for over a decade. Every time he slipped, it reinforced this internal script: “See? I’m a liar. I’m a failure. I’m broken.”

He’d go a few weeks without looking, then something would happen—stress at work, a fight with his spouse, or just a lonely night—and boom, back in the cycle.


And the worst part wasn’t the mistake itself.


It was what he made it mean: “I’ll never be enough.”

In our work together, we didn’t just try to change the behavior.


We started challenging the belief.

We asked, “What if this moment doesn’t mean you’re broken? What if it means you’re human—and you’re still learning how to live with integrity when life gets hard?”

We used tools like values-based journaling, NAB—Notice, Allow, Breathe—and honest, compassionate self-disclosure with his spouse.

And slowly, he began to tell a new story.

Not “I messed up, so I’m broken.”


But “I made a choice that didn’t align with who I want to be—and now I’m choosing to realign.”

Over time, those moments of misalignment became fewer and less dramatic.


More importantly, they didn’t define him anymore.

He started believing things like:

“I’m learning to be honest with myself.”
“I’m practicing intimacy, not just avoiding porn.”
“Even when I struggle, I’m still worthy of love and connection.”

That’s the shift—from shame to self-compassion.


From behavior to identity.


From trying to fix a “broken” self… to discovering who you’ve been underneath all along.

Another client told me recently, “The day I stopped trying to prove I was good enough and started living like I already was—it changed everything.”

That’s the power of a new narrative.

And let me be clear—you don’t need to have it all figured out to start.


You just need to be willing to ask a better question.

Not “What’s wrong with me?”


But “What can I learn from this moment? How can I move toward who I want to be?”

Alright, let me give you some practical tools you can use this week to start rewriting the brokenness narrative in your own life.

Section V: Tools to Rewrite the Brokenness Narrative

Okay, so we’ve challenged the “I’m broken” story, reframed what your struggle actually means, and we’ve talked about how living from your values changes everything.

Now let’s get into the tools—practical ways you can begin rewriting this narrative in your day-to-day life.

🔹 A. Values-Based Internal dialogue

First, replace self-judgment with values-based language.
Not empty affirmations—real identity statements.

Instead of saying:

“I failed again.”

Try saying:

“I made a choice that didn’t align with my values. I can choose differently now.”
Or:
“I value integrity, and I’m learning to live from that place.”

Use “I” statements to ground yourself in who you are, not who you’re trying not to be.

Examples:

“I live chastely.”
“I choose intimacy over escape.”
“I keep my commitments to myself.”

These aren’t rules—they’re reflections of who you are and who you’re becoming.

🔹 B. Emotional Awareness with NAB

Second, use the NAB technique: Notice and Name. Allow and Ask. Breathe and Be Kind.

When the urge hits…
Notice what’s happening in your body. Name it. “I’m getting anxious” or “I’m feeling that old familiar pull to escape”


Allow the emotion and story to be there without resisting or panicking or trying to DO something about it. Instead, get curious, ask questions, wonder what’s happening. Do it out loud, “why do I feel this way?” And “What brought me to this point?” And “what am I avoiding or looking to avoid by escaping into porn?” The more curious you are, the more you’ll find the root source of what’s happening in your mind and body and the more likely you’ll be able to address it.


And then, Breathe—ten deep breaths to reconnect to your body and get centered. You can also do box breathing, which is four beats in, four beats hold, four beats out, four beats hold. Repeat that as many times as you need. Do all of that while framing it all from a place of kindness. Give yourself the same grace that you would give your friend who is dealing with this same thing.

This is how you stop making emotional discomfort mean that you’re broken.


Instead, you treat it as a signal—a moment to slow down and listen.

Notice and Name. Allow and Ask. Breathe and Be Kind.

🔹 C. Journaling Prompts for Curiosity and Self-Compassion

You can also use these journal prompts to explore the roots of that old, tired brokenness narrative:

1. Where did I first learn that I was “broken”?

2. What would I say to a friend who believed what I believe about myself?

3. What does it look like to live as someone who is healing, not defective?

You’re not writing to fix yourself. You’re writing to meet yourself. Learn what’s going on so you can see it. Writing things down often makes them more clear and objective. Sometimes when a story is in our head it has more power than it does when we put it into the world to stand on its own. Use that to your advantage and say your story out loud or write it down.

🔹 D. Self-Validated Intimacy

This one’s deeper—but it’s powerful.

Practice sharing who you are with someone close to you—not to gain their approval, but to stand in your truth.

Say, “This is what I’m feeling.”
“This is what I’m learning about myself.”
“This is where I want to grow.”

It might feel risky. Vulnerable. Even uncomfortable.
But that’s where real intimacy begins.

As we’ve talked about in other episodes, true connection comes not through control or performance—but through honesty and agency.

🔹 Optional Practice: Guided Visualization

One more thing. If you’re open to it, try this visualization tonight:

Close your eyes and imagine your younger self—the version of you who first felt “not enough.”
Picture yourself gently kneeling down, looking into his eyes, and saying,

“You’re not broken. You’re doing your best. And I’ve got you now.”

Let that moment anchor you in compassion.
You’re not fixing the past—you’re healing your relationship with yourself.

Section VI: Conclusion – You Are Whole, Even as You Heal


So here we are—at the end of this conversation, but hopefully, at the beginning of a new way of seeing yourself.


If you take nothing else away from today’s episode, let it be this:

You were never broken.
You are whole—even as you heal.

Yes, you’ve struggled. Yes, you’ve made choices you regret.


But that does not disqualify you from growth, connection, or peace.

Healing isn’t a finish line. It’s a way of living.
And the more you learn to live in alignment with your values, the more natural your freedom becomes—not because you’ve earned it, but because you’ve embraced it.

Here’s something I want to invite you to ask yourself:

What would your healing look like if you didn’t believe you were broken?

What choices would you make?


What relationships would you repair or redefine?


How would you talk to yourself?

This week, I want to challenge you to choose curiosity over judgment.


To notice when the old “I’m broken” story shows up—and gently, kindly, replace it with something truer:

“I’m growing.”
“I’m learning.”
“I’m choosing to live my values.”

And if you’re ready to go deeper—to have someone walk this with you—you can schedule a free consult at GetToThrive.com/workwithzach.

Remember, this journey isn’t about becoming someone else.


It’s about uncovering the person you’ve always been.

Thanks for being with me today.
Keep choosing growth. Keep showing up.
And always—keep thriving beyond pornography.

I’ll see you next time.