Is this going to help me end my porn struggle?

Episode 117

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Zach Spafford: Hey everybody, and welcome to another beautiful Mastery Monday here on the Self Mastery Podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. Hey, so, a lot of times when I have conversations with new clients, the very first thing, when I do my free consult with people, I often hear this question in a variety of ways, right?

So, people never ask it exactly the same, but this is essentially what they're asking. It is, Is this going to help me eliminate my pornography struggle? What I, what, you know, what they're usually looking for is a confirmation that the work I do with people is going to be the very last thing they need to solve their pornography struggle.

And my standard answer is essentially I don't know if this is going to be the last thing that you need to know or just the next thing that you need to know. But everyone who struggles with pornography needs to know what I teach. So I tell you this to tell you that, um, what I do helps people solve their pornography problem in a way that sets them up for success.

And I want to share with you what it is that I do on a pretty regular basis to help you and, you know, the people that I work with directly. Solve their pornography problem, and I want to start by saying that if you keep working at it, you're not failing. You're succeeding. So the process I teach is a simple one that uses techniques that I've learned from the Life Coach School and the CTFAR model that was developed by Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching which was developed by Stephen Hayes, right?

So those two techniques are what I use. Um, Acceptance and Commitment Coaching is a coaching adaptation of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. So if you're familiar with, um, ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, that's what I, that's what we do here. Right? So, within those two systems, I help people learn how to solve pornography.

With a variety of skills that I teach in basically in three different settings, the, you know, the three coaching settings that I have right now, uh, starts off with individual coaching. So that's where you and I work together for about six months and we focus on your individual needs and I teach and I coach the individual.

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The second way I get people moving in the right direction is with my coaching membership. The coaching membership includes four open coaching calls each month and then two for the men and two for the women. And this usually breaks down along the lines of people struggling with pornography and their wives.

But that's not always the case. In fact, there are a number of women who participate in the women's calls that also struggle with pornography. And in this setting, I coach along with Darcy. on the women's calls and I coach the men alone. I don't, Darcy doesn't come to those ones. And we help those who volunteer to be coached to get a different perspective on where they are and how they can move forward.

Now, this is really a very much a self serve option, right? So if you are like, Hey, you know, I want to do this on my own. I don't really, you get into the membership. You've got lots and lots of stuff there that you can go. You can watch the videos and come to the coaching pro, uh, the open coaching calls, ready to be coached.

Because you are kind of a self driven, this is where I'm going, this is what I need, kind of person. The third way that I help people get, uh, get to where they want to go in terms of coaching is I set up, uh, once a year, I only did this one time last year. I don't anticipate doing it more than once this year, but every year, the beginning of the year, I set up a group coaching program.

Uh, if you're on my emailing list, you will have gotten a coupon to join that for 55 percent off this year. In the group coaching program, We get together weekly and coach just those in the group. Many of whom go on to be highly successful in their path away from their pornography struggle. And this includes that kind of, it's, it's a mix between that individualized, like, we're gonna go, you know, here's the path we're gonna go on.

And the, you know, the self serve option where, you know, I have, I've had people, I literally had somebody email me recently, he was like, hey, um, this is my real name, I was actually in your group coaching last year under an assumed name, uh, that he used for other things, right? For, for, he was an undercover cop.

ey need in terms of coaching.[: 00:05:00

If you want to learn, you know, more about any of those and how they work, feel free to set up a consult. with me by going to Zach Spafford dot com slash work with me. Or you can just email me at info at Zach Spafford dot com. So the next thing you'll want to know is what do I teach? What, how do I actually like, what are the skills?

What are the things that I actually teach people in those meetings? A lot of the things that I teach are things that I talk about on this podcast. Some of them aren't. Uh, there are lots of things that I don't teach on the podcast that I teach in the membership and that I go through with an individual, you know, there's a big difference between, you know, teaching a concept to somebody.

You know, if you've ever tried to learn how to golf from watching YouTube, you might be really good at it. Uh, but it's also super helpful to have, you know, somebody like a coach. Uh, like what I am, help you look at your swing in a way that you can't see it because you're the one swinging the club and that's what I do is I help people from the outside looking in rather than from the inside looking out a lot of, you know, as a coach, we use, I use this phrase, uh, lots of coaches use this phrase.

It's hard to read the label from inside the bottle, and that's, that's very true. So, you know, you might listen to this podcast and you might get everything you need and you might be listening to this podcast going, I'm still missing something. Uh, and so let's, you know, let, let me tell you a few of the things that I teach in my coaching so that you can kind of.

Maybe grab that out and say, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to focus on this technique or this skill or this thought process as I listen to the podcast. So maybe you can do it on your own and maybe you've been trying to do it on your own for a year and you're like, I need some help. So it just depends on where you are, right?

Uh, one of the main things that I teach is. to become aware of your thoughts and the feelings that you're that are happening for you in the moment. And I teach you how to become more aware and how to use that awareness to improve your ability to make the decisions that you want. I also teach how, you know, some really important things that your brain is doing.

I teach you very important internal processes that your brain does regardless of who you are. And these are the motivational triad confirmation bias. And, you know, feeling good in ambiguity, among other things. These simple things that your brain does automatically are part of the reason why pornography has such a powerful draw for most people.

Understanding how they work and what they do in your life that is helpful and not helpful is an ally in the process of retraining your responses to improve your outcomes when it comes to pornography. So just being aware and understanding how your brain works gives you a base to start from. And we, you know, in the programs that I teach, I go in depth in those and I help you understand.

You know, this is what your brain is doing in this moment. So, you know, you can bring a scenario and you can say, okay, this is what's happening. And I can go, okay, this is what your brain is doing. He knows how it does this and this and this. And we, you know, we, we walk down that path. Add to that the skills designed to specifically deal with urges, thoughts, and feelings that I teach.

And that will give you a compelling way. To eliminate pornography, so for instance, when urges and thoughts and feelings arise, there are three really important skills that I teach actually, I'll give you four. I'll teach you four real quick skills and I'm going to teach it when you sign up to be a member or whatever it is that you decide on, right?

First, allowing without the need to intervene. Many of us believe that, you know, when we have to do something, when our brain offers us an idea that's contrary to our moral compass, we've, we've kind of been taught to even forcibly change what's on the stage. And this technique of allowing without needing to intervene helps us recognize that if we went around jumping at every shadow that crossed our path, we'd be miserable.

In fact, lots of you are Listening to this and you're like, yeah, that's exactly what I've been doing. And it has made me miserable and I've been miserable because of it. Right. Another thing that I teach is being present where you are in life. So a lot of us fail to go through the difficult parts of life because.

And when I say go through the difficult parts of life, go through the difficult parts of life with grace and poise and understanding of what's happening, because we would rather pretend that it isn't there and avoid it. And learning to deal with those difficulties helps individuals become more successful at not turning to the behaviors that they have used in the past to avoid those unpleasant feelings and moments.

This is what it is. to understand this, you know, the price of success, the currency of success is discomfort and learning how to do that and being taught how to do that is going to give you an edge to actually succeed. Okay, I'll give you two more. This next one actually might surprise you, especially as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.

Because we think, oh, I [: 00:10:00

What are they? And I often ask my clients, what are your top five priorities in life? And it's very rare that one of them, that any of them see themselves as a top priority. You know, you can often list off, you know, family and work and church. And so my top five priorities through these, my wife, my kids. My work, my God, and myself.

Those are my top five priorities, right? And these are all amazing priorities, uh, for us to have, you know, but if you failed to mention the one myself or yourself, right, that's often the one that's being neglected and in neglecting to take care of yourself and make your happiness a priority, you're shortchanging the other four.

You're shortchanging any other priority in your life because any, you know, anytime you come to those priorities without being a priority yourself, you're going to find that you're, you're going to create some, uh, resentment and some struggle and frustration and stress there that isn't necessary. Okay, last one, being kind.

podcast a little bit more in depth, but for now, I'll just tell you that being kind to yourself is essential. To making this struggle a thing of the past, and I realize this isn't a deep dive into what I do, you know, none of the things that I've mentioned here today are, you know, probably groundbreaking if you've listened to my podcast a lot, but I think it is a significant window into the process that I.

That I take people through, um, and I've, you know, I've done a number of interviews with clients and, you know, since I began this podcast and you can go back and you can get a more in depth understanding of what their experience was and how you might see yourself through the conversation that I have with them and each one of the things that I teach and coach are going to help you.

There's no doubt in my mind, the things that I teach and coach are going to help you, especially if you get that individualized coaching or, you know, even if you come to the open coaching calls, if you're prepared or even if you, you know, do the group coaching, you know, you're going to get a lot of individual coaching there, but if you come prepared and you do the work, you're going to find that there's a lot of value in here.

Um, and it's going to give you the things that you need. And one of, yeah. One of the things that I teach you might be magic. It might unlock the thing that you've been waiting to change, right? It might give you boost to go, Oh, wait a minute. Now I know. Now I understand why I wasn't succeeding and now I can succeed.

But more than anything, I hope you understand that success that you get from the work That we do is not going to happen unless you choose to keep moving forward. Be successful by not giving up, and choosing to have hope, and being ready. And, you know, you can get probably 90 percent of what it is that we do just listening to this podcast.

You really can. But if you want to take it to the next level, if you're like missing something Maybe it's time to make a, make a move. Make a commitment to change something and get on the horse and get, get riding. Alright? Hey, listen, you guys, I love you. I'm so grateful to be able to do this work. I'm so grateful for this year that we've had where so many people have been able to get help and just begin the process of really leaving pornography behind forever.

Alright, you guys. You're amazing. I love you. We'll talk to you next week.