How Do I Keep Being Successful at Not Choosing Porn?
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I had a call with one of my clients today and he asked a really interesting question. He had just been called into the bishopric as a councilor, he’s not chosen to view pornography for about 6 months, he is a business owner, a husband, and a father.
He said, I have 2 things on my mind but let’s start with this one. “how do I get my mind right with all the stuff coming down, all the different roles and actions that need to be taken?”
What was weighing on his mind is adding this new, demanding challenge of being in a bishopric to his life and he’s worried that he might fall back on old coping strategies to deal with his increased responsibilities.
I think a lot of people have this come up, especially as they find that they are more successful at not choosing pornography. How do I position myself to continue this success? Is essentially what he is asking and what you might also be asking.
So, today, I’d like to share with you what I shared with him. While this may not be the exact right answer for you, or for every situation, I think these are universal ideas that can help almost anyone and will probably help you, as you put pornography behind you and start creating the life you want and Thriving Beyond Pornography. And if you are ready to put the things that we talk about in the podcast into practice and are committed to not simply overcoming pornography now, but also building or rebuilding your relationship, then sign up for a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach.
One of the biggest reasons men and women struggle with pornography is that it has been a reliable way to mitigate and manage emotions, stress, and other discomforts.
So, when my client asked me the question of how to keep his mind right as he takes on new roles and responsibilities, it was pretty obvious that his concern was that he didn’t want to fall back on his old ways of dealing with new stressors.
When new stressors come into our lives, our old ways of dealing with stress can easily come up as our mind tries to figure things out. Having taught him the key skills that he needs to address when his mind offers him pornography with his old urge patterns, it seemed likely to me that, while he had started to become master of the behaviors he had previously turned to, he wasn’t yet creating a fulfilling life.
Creating a fulfilling life is one of the surest ways to move beyond your old patterns and never go back.
Think of an old job you had, that met your needs financially, but that was maybe too easy, not fulfilling or even horrible for whatever reason. When you leave that old job, finding one that better matches your skill, helps you feel fulfilled and drives you to be a better employee by challenging you to grow and learn and solve problems in new and interesting ways.
When that is what your job situation looks like, it’s pretty unlikely that you will want to go back to the old work environment.
The same is true with your old habits. Going back seems silly, when you’ve created a more fulfilling and enriched way of living.
So, to assist in building this new life, I want to offer 2 simple habits that will help you build a more fulfilling life.
The first is to say, “No”
That might seem too simple or even counter to creating a fulfilling life. A lot of us were taught that service is the highest ideal and doing everything we can to serve will be meaningful. I would simply say to that, yes, and saying no to doing everything you’re asked to do can help create balance in a busy, stressful life.
I like the phrase, “If it's not a heck yes, it’s a heck no.”
Saying yes, out of duty or obligation, because you think you’re supposed to, is likely to overload your plate and begin to create resentment.
Darcy - I know for me as a wife, when I would say yes to sex when what I really meant was no, it began to create resentment that meant really stepping into sex and choosing Zach was impossible.
When he learned how to say, “no,” to all the things that I wanted and would often demand, I began to see that when he said, “Yes” it was more meaningful and real. It was something that he was doing from a place of love and honest connection, rather than a place of obligation and resentment. He was choosing it because he wanted to, not so he could get something.
And this was also an experience I had on my side as well. As he learned to say no, I did too. When it came to sex or other things, I stopped saying yes just to manage him. ETC
Zach - Often within our lives, we are trying to fulfill a role about what we think we are supposed to be doing. That, I believe is one of the reasons we say, “yes” when what we really need to say is, “no”. In Thrive Beyond Pornography we talk about the three stages of cognitive agency and stage two of that is, roles and rules where we take on specific roles in our lives and try to follow the rules that we believe govern that role. For instance, being a good husband we might think that it’s our job to make our wife happy. Husband is the role, the rule is to do everything we can to make our wife happy.
The third stage of cognitive agency is to reference ourselves and do what is in integrity with who we are and who we want to be.
Darcy - So, what I’m hearing is not to only do what you want, because you want to do it, but to do what is in line with who you want to be and how you want to show up. So, you might say, “yes” to some things that you might not really want to do because they are important to you. For instance, …
Zach - Totally. So, when something comes up and you want to make a choice, Say the elders quorum president asks you to help with a move, I’ll give you three questions to ask yourself.
- “Do I want to do this thing, or do I not want to do this thing?”
- “Why do I want to do this or not do this?”
- “Do I like my reasons for wanting to do this or not wanting to do this?”
I realize that seems like a lot of questions to ask yourself, especially when you’re standing in front of someone, but the more you use this framework, the quicker it will become.
Now, using this on the EQP might be simple. But what about on you wife?
The issue here is that when we don’t learn how to say no, even to our spouse, I find that I was resentful toward her when she would ask for things I didn’t want to give but that I felt I needed to give her in order to keep her happy. And happy with me.
Darcy - A really clear example of this for me is that you used to give me foot massages, like every day, I would beg you to rub my feet. I would tell you that I couldn’t get out of bed and I would tell you that my feet really hurt and I would just generally fuss and whine until you would do it, because I knew that I could get you to, even when you didn’t want to.
Zach - Yeah, that was actually pretty frustrating to me. Because even when I would rub your feet you would complain that it wasn’t long enough.
So, I really stopped doing it for a while. I got to a point where it just frustrated me and even you asking was annoying to me. It became this battle, where I knew that if I didn’t do it, I was not making you happy and sometimes you’d even get mad at me. So, internally I was conflicted.
You’re not like that now, to be clear, but it was difficult because I felt like I wasn’t doing my job if I didn’t take care of you the way you wanted to be taken care of.
Darcy - This is a two-way street as well, because, you could reverse the roles and insert sex wherever you talk about foot massages and I would say that I felt pretty much the same as you did.
Zach - I think this is why it is so important to learn this skill in order to really get to a place where you can keep going in your progress away from choosing porn and keeping that from impacting your relationship. When we give in and we violate our sense of self, that sovereign person who wants to belong to themselves, that is when we seek out escapist behaviors in order to manage our sense of self.
Which brings us to the second thing that every person who is moving beyond pornography needs to do in order to keep going and keep succeeding.
I cannot tell you how many times I ask this question and the answer is, “nothing”.
The question I ask, as men start to grow past their pornography choices and they are trying to figure out next steps is, “what is something that you do, that is just for you, and that you do regularly in order to fill your cup?”
It’s really extraordinary how, probably 90% of the people I ask this question of, they look at me a little bewildered and like I’m speaking another language and they think about it and then they just say, “nothing”.
I have a theory about pornography that ties into this.
One of the reasons, I believe that many men and women choose porn, this isn’t the only reason, but I think it can be one of the reasons and I think it is a meaningful reason. I believe many people choose porn as a way to escape, because it is something that they can call their own and that they don’t have to share with others. It is something that they do, that they can own wholly, without having to share it with their spouse.
Darcy - I think you’re right, why do you think that is?
Zach - Partly because of the taboo nature of it. Partly because it can be done in secret. It’s so bad that even talking about it among your friends is taboo. So, it takes on this meaning of being all for me, just about me, and not for anyone else in any way.
But I think this is one of the reasons that we need to start choosing activities, hobbies, and things that fill our cups. There is value in men being manly and engaging in masculine activities.
Darcy - I think some people out there might hear this and say, that’s selfish or he needs to fix his relationship and be home more. I think that it’s clear from what you’re saying that staying home more, being with the family more, is possibly one of the reasons he isn’t filling his cup and engaging in things that he enjoys so instead of being able to openly choose those kinds of healthy activities, he may be seeking out easy, high dopamine activities that he can hide and keep secret. Which isn’t an excuse, it’s just an observation. When you chose porn, you were choosing it. But one of the things that you had to do was grow up a bit in our relationship and insist on taking care of yourself by choosing activities that you love.
Like flag football, last year when you played, I really didn’t like it. Playing football is how you injured your back and I was worried that it would happen again. I also know that you love playing football. It is a consistent thing in our lives, over the last 20 years, you will take every chance you can to play.
Zach - Yeah, I really had to be willing to endure your discomfort and dislike of my hobby and grow up and be willing to disappoint you for my own happiness and to fill my cup.
I think this isn’t to say that being rude or dismissive about your partner’s feelings is ok, or good. But I think we think, too often, that we have to agree on everything if we are going to be in a marriage. That just isn’t the case. Belonging to yourself in a real and meaningful way, means that you won’t always agree with your spouse’s perspective, while still being willing to see it from their perspective.
I think that is a really good definition of differentiation. Being able to belong to yourself by not always agreeing with your spouse, while being able to belong to your spouse because you are willing to see it from their perspective and account for that in your choices.
Creating a space for you to choose the activities that fill your cup is a really important component of each person’s ability to move beyond pornography for good.
If we don’t do that, there is a better than even chance we will go back to choosing pornography simply as a way to cope and create space for ourselves.
Darcy - So, learning to say no and creating space for yourself to fill your cup, taking care of yourself are two very important skills each person needs to keep going beyond pornography and grow the relationship they want with themself and with their spouse.
I love it, even if I don’t like that it means you are away from us.
