The Urge to View Pornography Is Out There Waiting To Get You

Episode 111

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Zach Spafford: Welcome to another beautiful Mastery Monday here on the Self Mastery Podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford, and tonight, or today, when you're listening to it, I am joined by Darcy. Finally! I'm back! Where have you been?

I'm back to the land of the living. Where did, what, did you go on vacation or something? Oh, I don't know. Life's been stressful and So much has happened. I've just been tired and like, I had COVID and so I've been recovering from COVID. I didn't have it bad. I just was really, really sleepy and I can't smell anything, which is kind of a blessing sometimes.

Especially when you have a bunch of kittens, and you have to change the litter box. I don't want to talk about kittens. Let's not talk about kittens. Alright, so tonight we're gonna, today we're gonna talk about, um, We're gonna talk about your brain. We're gonna talk about how, I think a lot of times your brain gives you, like, we give our brain too much credit.

And oftentimes we give it way too much power. So one of my clients, he messaged me and he was like, Hey. Uh, you know, so, I'm, I'm in this situation, and I'm seeing these people, and I think they're beautiful, and, you know, as, as my brain is offering me all these thoughts about these women that I see, and they're gorgeous, and, um, you know, I, and then I cast it off, but then my brain keeps coming back to it.

I feel triggered. Yeah, so, and then he's like, well, and then I, you know, I want to know how to snap out of it. And this, these are his exact words. I feel like the wolves are still out there waiting to come back and, and get me. And. And, you know, this is, I think this is the really interesting thing about our brains.

And in this particular moment, you know, one of the things that is clear is that he is still in a battle. He's battling the thought, right? So when we battle our thoughts there, we create conflict with the one person we can't win. a conflict against. Yeah, so our brain is really, really awesome at solving problems outside of ourselves.

So any problem that we face, we can typically, as humans, find the solution to it. That, that is our brain's superpower, right? That's how we have evolved to where we have. But, but, right, like. We, our brains are not good at Battling our own brain right like we can't battle with ourselves and win inside our head So when when there's problems and challenges that arrive outside of us, we're really good at solving it But when the battles are inside of us There's no winning.

Yeah, well, there is winning. Not with the battle, though. Well, yeah, so the battle itself is not gonna, is not gonna create the person that you want to be. But, the part of your brain that wins is the old part. You know, like the old man. If you've never played racquetball against an old man, uh, those guys always win because they like, they dominate in a way that you just, you can't.

And, and that is, that's what your brain is doing. Your lower brain is there and it just dominates in that space because it's like, well, if you can't figure out what's going on here, then we're just going to go to the lowest common denominator. And that is. Make you feel good now right and and a couple of things kind of stand out or stood out in this Conversation with this client one was he sees his thoughts as wolves Right, and if you see your thoughts as wolves, guess what that is scary.

That is anxiety producing That is you having to keep the wolves at bay, which is a you know, that's a That's the standard idiomatic, that's the standard phrase in American English, right? Um, and, and so, now you've set up a battle that you can't win. Cause the thoughts are always gonna be there. Thoughts are gonna come, thoughts are gonna go.

You can't stop thoughts from existing. And this is, this is where we give our brain too much power. Right? And if you wanna not give your brain power, you know, there's a lot of things that you can do. One of the things that I would highly recommend that you do is Not judge who you are when your brain offers you this, right?

mething completely different [: 00:05:00

Uh, but you, you know, your brain says she's hot and if you are instantly like, Oh, that's a wolf and it's going to eat me if I don't keep it at bay. You've automatically set yourself up for a battle that you can't win, but I just want to share the story So if say I'm driving right and there's a man shirtless running down the side of the road and He has a six pack and pecs and he's you know, obviously tan because he runs with his shirt off, right?

So you're describing me? Yes, totally not. Anyways, but like, I would have the thought like, Oh wow, he, he's attractive. Right. Or something along those lines. Like I would think something. positive, most likely, about that person that I see running. Right. But the difference for me is, I don't think anything more about it.

I don't make it mean anything about myself. I don't judge myself. I'm not like, I shouldn't have think that. You don't make it mean that you're pervy. I shouldn't have noticed that. Or, yeah, like I don't think anything about it. I'm just like, oh wow. Gosh, he's pretty hot and then I keep driving and I don't even like think about it again Like it's just is this what you think about Leatherman?

No, we have a guy in our town who walks a lot a lot and he and he's always shirtless And he is very tan very tan, but he's homeless. So I'm pretty sure he's homeless All right. Anyhow, so like in that moment, you're Darcy. You're not making that mean anything about you You know, you're not saying to yourself, I can't think that about this person, otherwise it's going to consume me.

Yeah, and I also, I don't also, I also do not think, oh, I'm objectifying that person, right? Because I'm, I'm not, I'm literally just noticing. And I, I don't make it mean anything about myself. So for this client, and I think for people in general, right? We're gonna allow for the, for the neutrality of that thought.

That thought is neutral in and of itself. Now, if we take action and we do something with that, then it, it, It stops being as neutral, but you know, the idea here is you don't have to get anxious about this. This thought in and of itself is not anything. And so you can allow that thought to be neutral. You can allow it to just be there and not have to fight with it or do anything else because someone can be beautiful or sexy without making it mean anything about you.

It can be an, it can be just. An observation that you make and it doesn't have to mean anything other than, Oh, I made an observation that this person was beautiful or sexy or whatever. Right. And that doesn't cost anything. Because, okay. On the flip side of that, this thought just came to my mind. Like, say you notice someone and you're like, well, they're like super ugly.

Typically you're not going to like beat yourself up for that. Yeah. Or, or obsess about it or keep thinking about how ugly that person was. Right. I got to keep that thought at bay. Can't can't be thinking about ugly people. It's gonna make me want to I don't know what you would want to do But right but that's just it like we did like I don't even know what you would do if you had to keep the thought That person is ugly at bay Because we don't make it mean anything It doesn't mean anything to us.

But when someone's beautiful or sexy or gorgeous or has nice, you know insert attribute here Then we make it mean, Oh, I'm bad, or I'm not good, or I have to keep that at bay, otherwise it's going to engulf me. And there, you know, and then we create all this anxiety, create all this stress, and we're in this fight mode.

And you know what your brain does when you get into fight or flight? It seeks comfort. It seeks safety. And what's safe and comfortable? Arousal. When you're in the state of arousal, you don't feel scared, or frustrated, or anxious, or any of that. So, can you see how this path leads back to pornography? If we treat these thoughts as though they are the enemy, that's kind of scary.

Here's another thing you can do. You can just focus on what are the next actions that you want to take. So So, you know, I'm gonna unhook from this thought, I'm gonna remove, you know, I'm gonna allow this thought to just be neutral, oh, that's a beautiful woman, and that doesn't mean anything about me. So I'm gonna unhook from that and not make it mean that I have to, like, get into this fighting mode.

you know, hewing towards my [: 00:10:00

So you got this leaf, and it lands on the stream, so that's like a thought landing in your consciousness. And you don't have to like, jump in the stream. To make that leaf go away, right? If you jump in the stream, what's gonna happen is you're gonna get all wet, you might catch that thought, you might not, and it's probably just gonna wash downstream anyway.

Or you can just be like, Oh, that's, that thought is right there on the stream of my consciousness, I'm just gonna let it exist there, I don't have to do anything about it, it'll eventually go away. Cause that's what thoughts do. How many thoughts a day do you think we have? I can't remember. It is a ridiculously high number.

If you feel like googling that and like texting it to me, feel free. I know we've said it before on the podcast. I just can't remember, but it's like a lot, right? 60, 000 or something, right? If you've ever tried to meditate, you know that you can't keep like one single thought in your brain for very long, right?

Because no matter what, like you're focusing in on your meditation and then whoop, you're over here thinking about what's going on the rest of the day. you're having that night. Or even when you're reading a book, right? We do this all the time when we're reading a book, and you're like, wait, I just read like three lines and I have no idea what I read because I was thinking about what I was going to cook for dinner tonight or that presentation I have to give tomorrow.

Even though your brain was like reading the words, you're Your thoughts were somewhere else, right? So we're just allowing that thought to be there and that's how we can Unhook from the idea that we have to fight with it and then focus on okay What's the next action that I actually want to take and then another part of this is gonna be dropping the judgment of what your Brain offers you and and this for this particular client.

I think this was a big like big shift for him Right. It's this idea that if my brain tells me someone is sexy or beautiful that doesn't make me morally corrupt Right? That doesn't make me a bad person to recognize, uh, the human form for what it was designed to do, right? It was designed to attract the opposite sex.

Mm hmm. Right? It was designed to attract people sexually, and so that's what it does. So noticing that is by no means a morally corrupt act. Now, what you choose to do with that, whether you choose to dwell on that or continue to, like, Uh, ruminate on that, that, that may be the place where you go down the path, but if you are doing the other step right here, you know, you're not judging yourself, you're allowing that thought to be there and just focusing on, well, what do I want to do that actually, you know, fits my values, that thought's going to, and by the way, focusing on what you want to do.

To, you know, come closer to your values isn't about avoiding the thought, okay? So a lot of times what Or even distracting from the thought, right? A lot of times what do people do? They're like, oh, I'm gonna like, I'm gonna go on a run, or I'm gonna I'm gonna read a hymn. Or sing a hymn. Yeah, sing a hymn. I'm gonna get busy doing this other thing.

No, no, no. This is like, oh, yeah, that thought is there and That's, maybe that's true. Maybe it's not true. I don't have to do anything about that. Who do I want to be now? Now that I, now that I've acknowledged that thought and I'm not really freaking out about it. Who do I want to be now? Right? And that freedom that that creates allows you to begin leaving behind the struggle.

Leaving behind the freak out, leaving behind the, I'm not gonna be enough. We have to be aware that that thought is just a thought. And depending on what we decide to do with that thought is really where the magic happens, right? Because we can just have a thought and it can be there. And then we can continue to go about our day.

But when we think that that thought is super powerful and that thought is going to like overcome our entire bodies and take us down this path to like where we don't want to go. Like the way a wolf might. Eat a human. Yeah, it, it, it just gives it all of that power. And I'm sure you could probably get out a journal right now and you can write down some crazy thoughts that you have that you didn't judge and you were like, where did that come from?

u're like, Where'd that come [: 00:15:00

I'm like this horrible person that that was in my dream. You're just like, Oh, that was a really weird dream. And you move on with your day. Well, I think people experience this all the time. I, I think that people experience it, you know, if you're walking through a store or you're, you know, you're doing something and your brain's like, Oh, you could steal that.

We do that all the time. That happens all the time to people. That is not an abnormal thought at all. And yet, what do, what do people do? Most of the time people don't steal it. Right. Or , you know, uh, I, I've had conversations with people where they're mad at someone and they're like, oh, you know, I could just, you know, insert active violence here, and what do they do?

They don't do that. Mm-hmm . Right? Because, 'cause the, the person that they want to be isn't that person. And eventually they let that go. And I think that this is the same thing that we can do with pornography, is we can just like be like, Oh yeah, there's, you know, naked people. It is what it is. I don't have to do anything about that, and I don't have to let it, I don't have to make it mean anything about me.

And being able to differentiate between What your brain offers you, and who you are is a big deal. Because once you can start to do that, you can start to choose who you want to be more directly. And now, you know, it's not like there's this force controlling you. That's, that's one of the reasons why Darcy and I don't really like the addiction language model.

It's because a lot of that language is about lack of control. Right? You feel trapped. You feel stuck. Right? So, I mean, what is the word? You feel powerless. Like, everything is outside of your, your power. Right. And now we're talking about, oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. This is a decision I gotta make. And it doesn't have anything to do with what my brain offers me.

It only has to do with what I choose. I think in a lot of ways we We sometimes talk about Satan in this way, like, that Satan has power sometimes to, to tempt us and to, um, you know, pull us down or something along those lines. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well, but I kind of think of that, how it equates to our thoughts also and how Satan doesn't have power over us.

We are the ones that have the power, and when we try and put the blame on Satan, really what it's doing is taking away our personal responsibility. And agency. And our, yeah, and our agency. It's not taking away our responsibility, it's taking away our agency. If Satan can make me do something, then he has my agency, but he doesn't, right?

And I think that's the same thing that we have here. Like Satan, Satan can tempt us, right? That's what he's given, but we have the power to choose, right? And that's our, that's our purview. We are given to choose. We have to, you know, we have to choose between right and wrong. I mean, you read all of 2 Nephi, uh, chapter 2.

And it's like, grand thesis on, essentially, agency and what is good and what is evil, right? Yeah, but I think when we talk about it, a lot of times I'll hear like, Old ladies at church talk about how powerful Satan is, and how he's, he's so sneaky, and he's so, um, you know, good at making something look one way, and then, And, and then, and then it ends up not being that way, right?

But, but I think that's the point, right? This is the same thing, where, Our brain can offer, and I'm, please do not misunderstand us, right? I'm not saying that your brain is Satan. Please, please don't, please don't make that your takeaway from this at all, right? But your brain can offer you thoughts and those don't have to be anything you do anything about, right?

And Satan offers you temptations and those also don't have to be things that you do anything about, right? And, and we only, those things only have power when we give them power. Which, that's, I mean, that's, that's agency. So, you know, just taking a step back from all of that, and recognizing that we're not in a battle against our brain.

We don't have to fight with it. We can allow it to just offer us thoughts, and we don't even have to indulge those thoughts. Those thoughts can come and they can go, and we don't have to do anything about it. And going back to that, The idea of like the wolves are just waiting out there and they're going to come and get me type idea Starting to go like oh wow Here's the story where my brain starts to tell me about the wolves that are after me Right and and starting to see it for what it is.

g you Well, that's like this [: 00:20:00

Right? Yeah. I'm sure everyone out there has been like, it just snuck up on me. Right. And if wolves, and if wolves are coming at you, like, what do I have? I don't have a gun, you know, in this story, I don't have a gun. I don't have any way to protect myself. I don't have fire. I can't outrun wolves. Right.

They're just gonna get me. 'cause I'm a lone man in the wilderness. But here's the problem with that story. The wolves are your thoughts. Uh, which means that your thoughts, which, you know, they're yours, they're gonna get you. How can your thoughts get you if you don't give them any power to do so? And, and that's huge.

Just recognizing, oh, I'm actually letting Give power to my thoughts that I don't want to give power to. So let me just take a step back and be like, Oh, that's a thought. And I don't have to, I don't have to do anything about that. I don't have to let that have power if I don't want it to. And I, and the thoughts that we do want to have power, you know, find those ones and use them and fully engage with them and be like, yeah, I want this thought to have power.

Like one of the thoughts that I love to give power to is. I'm an amazing dad, and I'm awesome at, you know, helping people solve their pornography problem. Those are thoughts that I love. When those come in, I'm like, yeah, those thoughts are gonna get me. Yeah, and make my life better. And really It's something that's super important instead of being like, well, but it's true.

This is a true thought or no, this is not true. Instead of asking whether it's true or not, it's, is this thought helping me be who I want to be? Cause that question is far more powerful than is it true? Yeah. Is there value in believing this? Whether it's true or not? Is there any value in believing this?

Like, like again, going back to the addiction talk, right? When someone says, you know, I'm an addict. I'm like, okay, well, what's the value in believing that? Because, I mean, let's just set aside whether that is true or not, right? Let's just look at it neutrally. If it's true, what's the value in believing that it's true?

Uh, you know, which is essentially, it tells me that I am broken, stuck, and cannot solve a problem. And if it's not true, then And, you know, what does that mean about me as well? And, and, and the thing is, it doesn't matter. I can choose to believe whatever it is that's helpful to me. And even if it's true, even if, you know, I am an addict, quote unquote, an addict, does that make me want to solve this problem any less?

No? Well then what's the value in believing it? Cause, cause I've not yet seen anybody who's like, I'm a victim, solving their problems to the best of their ability. Often they're looking for redress. And you can't get redressed from yourself. You just have to decide, Oh, I'm going to move forward with regardless of what my brain is offering me.

So hopefully that's helpful. Hopefully you guys can just drop some of these negative thoughts that aren't super helpful to you, or just look at them in a different way rather than fight with them or, you know, go to battle with them or whatever it is that, you know, the imagery that you want to have, use a couple of these techniques.

And then work on becoming the better version of you. And if you need a little bit of help with that, Darcy and I, we're happy to help you come join the membership or, you know, set up a, uh, uh, an appointment with us. We'd love to have you and let's get you going in the right direction. If you've been listening to this podcast and you're like, yes, this is so.

helpful. I love what I'm hearing, but you're maybe struggling to really implement it and take it to the next level, right? Because we can hear stuff all the time. We're like, yes, that's so good. Yes, I get it. But then when it comes to actually putting it into action. We get stuck. And so if that's you, if you're listening to this podcast and you're like, yes, I get it.

I, I love what they're saying. I love what they're teaching. I, I relate to, to their story. Then set up a consult with Zach and let him help you put what you're learning here on the podcast into action. And if you're the spouse of somebody and you're struggling with, you know, whatever's going on with you, right?

e's so many of you out there [: 00:25:00

We're so grateful for you and you know, feel free to share this. If it's helpful to you, leave a review. We love getting able to read reviews and it seriously makes my day. She does. She like, she's like, we got another review. All right. It makes me so happy. All right. We'll talk to you guys later. Bye. Bye.