1183634221760266 overcoming porn even when we feel shame - Thrive Beyond Pornography (Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast)

Episode 148

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Published on:

3rd Jul 2022

Overcoming Pornography Even When We Feel Shame

This week in the membership one of my members was talking about the question that another member had asked during our previous session.  

The man I was coaching said, “when That guy asked that question, it was as if he had been reading my mind.”

This is the amazingness that comes from being part of the membership. You get to hear the questions you didn’t even know how to ask, asked for you!


This moment was when I decided that I needed to answer that question for you all, here on the podcast.


As part of the coaching I do, often we talk about shame and how to manage and deal with it.  


The question we’re talking about was part of this discussion about minimizing shame in our lives. 


The question was, “what is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?”


First off, let’s talk about why we feel shame. 


Knowing what shame is gives us the ammunition we need to actually end it.  


Shame is often contrasted with guilt.  


The thing about guilt is that it can be a powerful catalyst for change.  


Guilt is about learning that what you have done is not what you would like to have done, had you been able to.  


I’ve heard it said this way and this definition works for me.  


Guilt comes when I understand that what I’ve done is not right for me. 


Guilt comes when I’ve acted incorrectly, based on my own sense of right and wrong and according to my agency within the framework of truths I hold. 


As brene brown put it, guilt is I did something bad. 


Shame on the other hand, is not about a behavior, but about our sense of who we are.  


Shame comes when when I believe that what I’ve done makes me bad, irredeemable and unacceptable. 

Shame comes when I’ve acted contrary to my framework of truth knowing that I’m discarding my own sense of what is right and wrong and feel incapable of exercising my own agency. 


Again, going back to brene brown, Shame is, I am bad. 


So “What is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?” 


Here are 3 things that you need to do to eliminate shame when you have acted on urges that don’t fit your idea of who you want to be. 


First, you need to decide that this is an opportunity to learn


Learn something move forward.


Second thing you’ll need to eliminate shame when you’ve acted on your urges is talk to someone you trust.  

-       Create intimacy

-       Practice openness.  

-       


Third thing, understand that you are enough.

-       Atonement

-       


Each of these things will help you eliminate shame and understand that you are not bad. 

Hopefully they will serve to strengthen your capacity to exercise your agency, accept responsibility for your actions and shape the person you want to be. 




 


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About the Podcast

Thrive Beyond Pornography (Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast)
(Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast) This podcast is for Couples who want to overcome pornography. We teach you how to retrain your brain to completely quit pornography. If you are excited to move past pornography, this is the...
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
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About your host

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Zach Spafford

Zach Spafford is an Acceptance and Commitment Coaching, Be Bold Masters, and The Life Coach School trained life coach with over 25 years of experience with addictive behaviors.
He has been coaching in the business world for over 15 years and changing lives through increased productivity and achieved results.
Zach has a passion for making peoples lives better through helping them move past their addictive behaviors and becoming the people they want to be.