Self-Worth, Productivity, and Quitting Porn for Good

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Hey everybody and welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. Today, I want to talk to how productivity is one of the things that you've been linking to your self worth and how that applies to your ability to quit porn.

The thing that we do is we often, we tie productivity to worthiness. Many people tie their self worth to their productivity, especially in achievement driven cultures like the one that we have here in the United States, and especially For men and women who are in what I like to call high demand religions, these messages come from various sources, including our religion our social media, how many of you've seen that tick tock where some guys, like if you don't have six Lamborghinis by the time you're 21, then you're doing it wrong.

That idea of how you should be more productive so you can be richer, so you can be better. So your self worth can be more. Is this concept that I'm talking about, and this concept revolves around the common tendency for individuals to link their self worth to their level of productivity.

It's prevalent in cultures here, like in the West that value, we highly value achievement and measurable accomplishments. For each person that I work with, I often find that one of the key issues is that they have centers around this idea.

I, the idea is I'm not doing enough, or I've worked with a lot of men who say I waste a lot of time. So those two ideas are really prevalent within this concept of productivity equals worthiness. So many men. Tie their worthiness to what they can accomplish, achieve, and create for themselves and their families.

Let me ask you is your worthiness. Tied to your productivity in your own mind. And when you aren't being productive, does that tend to lead you towards choosing porn? I can't tell you. I had this conversation with probably five people this week, and this is exactly the component that they were talking about lapsing, right?

In when they're not being productive, porn comes up in their lives. They lapse in living their values and they try to escape the reality that they're in to feel good in that moment. And if that's the case for you, I want you to start addressing those thoughts directly, discussing them openly with yourself and with your partner.

So whatever those thoughts are. I'm not enough. I'm not being productive enough. I should be doing more. I'm wasting time. All of those. I want you to start bringing those up. And one of the things that we do in coaching is we dig into those thoughts and we actually address them openly. I show you techniques and skills and tools, how to do that.

One of the issues that you have to understand is that productivity. Isn't the issue.

Over emphasizing productivity can lead to a desire to escape emotionally This is when a person engages in an activity to distract themselves from negative emotions This is often stemming from a sense of inadequacy Due to negative internal thoughts about how productive you've been so what follows so when my brain says, you know I should be more productive what follows is often a sense of guilt or shame that hinders progress in overcoming behaviors like viewing pornography Because all we want to do is escape that negative feeling about I should be more productive that comes because we say I should be more productive and we just try to feel good right now.

And the more often we engage in emotional escapes like viewing porn, excessively eating, excessive online shopping, excessive video games, or any behavior that helps us escape negative emotions while simultaneously going against our values, that can lead to a negative habit. And we do this in order to avoid feeling unproductive or really any negative feelings that we try to avoid experiencing.

It isn't the fact that we're being unproductive that's actually the issue. Or even that we chose porn. Or whatever, whatever item it is that you use to avoid your negative emotions. Those aren't necessarily the issues. The issue is that we don't have a skillset tools and a process to automatically and habitually deal with the negative emotions that we feel, how we feel about our productivity is only a clue to what we need to do to resolve the issue.

So people who feel good, do good. It's essential to recognize that feeling good should not depend on actions or your ability to quit porn. I'm going to say that again. How you feel should not depend on the choices that you're making, like, am I being productive or like. Do being more productive or your ability to quit porn because waiting to feel good enough until you've achieved something.

So waiting to feel like, Oh, I'm enough because I have done X that can lead to a never ending cycle of self doubt and dissatisfaction. If you wait until you've quit porn to feel good about who you are and how you're showing up in the world, you'll find that it's unlikely that you'll ever feel good enough.

Rather, if you choose to address your struggles, learn skills, and cultivate a sense of self that's separate from your productivity, separate from your sense of how you're doing with your pornography, you'll actually start to feel good more often and more fully.

This, in turn, leads to choosing good things more often, which includes getting started on difficult tasks on your list of items to do that will make you more productive, and not choosing porn. So it's this self reinforcing cycle. And the more you can disconnect your sense of self worth from your productivity, the more likely you are to become more productive and feel good about yourself.

One of the issues with connecting your productivity to your self worth is that too often, We're doing it for the wrong reasons. I was talking to one of my clients the other day, and he was telling me about some pretty amazing organizations that he wanted to work for and why he wanted to work for them.

And as we dug into it, the reasons he was trying to work for these organizations is to bask in their reflected glow. He wanted to essentially trade on the reputation of that organization so that it would shine on him so that he could feel good enough. So that he could say I'm enough because I work for X company or Y organization.

Unfortunately, too often, no one notices when you do so much good and make such an enormous effort. Too often, the reasons we do the work. Work for the right organization or want to be more productive is because we are hoping that someone will tell us that we're enough.

Now think about that. How many times have you gotten an attaboy, all the praises that you need, and then it's not enough. Oftentimes, The sense that we are enough doesn't last because it's coming externally to us and we're left needing to get that next attaboy. One of the keys to feeling good about who you are so you don't need to be more productive is to do the right things for the right reasons and minimize the amount of external validation you're desiring to feel good about who you are.

Then you'll feel good and then you'll do good. Changing beliefs is a part of this conversation, as some coaches out there will tell you. You need to change your beliefs to feel worthy. You need to try and feel worthy by changing how you think about yourself. In a sense, that's a pretty good idea, but it's often mishandled or incorrectly applied.

The reality is that our thoughts are really pretty difficult to change. We get about 60, 000 thoughts a day. Something like... 80 percent of those are repeats from the previous day. So to tell yourself, Hey, I need to think about this thought differently. You've got to sort through 60, 000 thoughts. And maybe some of those thoughts are repeated within the repeats, right?

And I got to take every single time. One of those comes across my brain and go, okay, I got to change that. Unfortunately, that's probably not going to happen. The reality is that our thoughts are difficult to change and they stem from deeply held internal belief structures that are not easily discounted or dislodged.

Changing what drives us creates our reality or informs our interactions with the world around us not by changing the thoughts but by curiously addressing the thoughts that we have. So you've probably had this happen to you. You've changed what you believe about something that you once held close and that was probably important to you.

Did that happen because you decided to believe differently? Probably not. There was almost certainly a transformation of thought over time due to a reexamination of your beliefs that you may never have questioned. When it comes to the idea that productivity equals worthiness, you'll have to start by understanding what it is that you currently believe.

You don't know. What you believe you're not going to be able to change it, and it'll be even more impossible if you don't know what you believe to create a belief structure and a meaning frame that will be transformative and helpful. One of the most important beliefs that I once held was that dogs are superior to cats.

I know that sounds silly. I don't know, when I was growing up in the 80s, this was an actual, I think, important discussion that we had. Maybe it's not important anymore. My family used to go to the mat and they would argue. Anyone who wanted to talk about it, that dogs were better than cats, and I believed it, I knew it, it was God's honest truth, and anyone who liked cats more than dogs, in my mind, was kind of a fool.

It was silly, it was like, why would you want a cat? Cats are ridiculous. I also kind of take that for small dogs too, to be honest. That was the reality to me until Darcy rescued a couple of cats, and for a long time while we had those rescue cats, I still thought dogs were better than cats. And this really wasn't just about changing my mind on cats and dogs.

This was really about figuring out what it was that I wanted in a pet, if I wanted one at all. And the truth is cats versus dogs is actually pretty irrelevant to me. Now, the layer deeper that I had to go was, do I even want pets? And if I'm going to have a pet, because the reality is I live with Darcy. So I'm going to have a pet.

What is it that I want from that pet? Like I said, my preference is to have no pets, but if I'm going to have a pet, then for me, the thing that I want in a pet is lowest maintenance possible. That's the key to what it is that I want. So for me, where I can train the cats to go outside and all I really have to do is feed them.

Even if we go out of town for a week and a half, cats have become the preferred choice. Interestingly, that may not be your choice, but. The point is that reexamining your belief structures, the ideas that you hold dear, and that are holding you back in some way, is not just about changing what you think.

It's about finding new ways to understand how you want to live your life in order to improve the outcomes you desire. When it comes to productivity, ask yourself, is this the most important measure that I can take of my worthiness? Meaning, is my productivity the thing that makes me worthy? Where does this come from in my life?

Like, why is it that I believe that my, my productivity is so important to my sense of self and sense of worthiness. Why do I give it so much value and just keep going curiously from a place of truly wanting to know. This is a great opportunity. That's a great subject to bring up in coaching. If you come to my open coaching through the membership, that's a great subject to bring up.

A question that I love to ask is. How is this helping me? Or how is this helping you? If it isn't, or if it's hurting you more than it's helping you, it may be time to dig into that idea and figure it out in a more meaningful way and just take a look at that issue. Once you do this, here's the cool part.

The beliefs just shift on their own. You won't have to chant mantras or tell yourself to think differently. That's where the real change happens. I couldn't have made myself think that cats were better than dogs if I'd have just said cats are better than dogs over and over again. Changing my beliefs was not about taking a particular thought and telling myself that thought wasn't true.

Changing the way that you think about your productivity and how it's impacting you when you choose to turn to pornography is not going to be shifted if you just go, My productivity is not tied to my worthiness or my productivity does not mean that I am good enough. That's not going to work. What you have to do is take those beliefs, dig into them, understand why they exist, and then those things will shift on their own if you are curious enough as to what it is that they're creating in your life.

And sometimes that requires a little bit of help. It sometimes requires somebody externally looking at that and pointing at it with you, it might be your wife, it might be a coach, it might be your mom, it might be whoever. But if you're sitting there and you're listening to this and you're going, this guy's crazy because my productivity is so important to me and it is the only way that I know that I feel worthy, you're probably a good candidate for this to be perfectly honest.

Another thing that you got to do is Avoid extremes. Instead of swinging between self shame and justification, aim for a balanced approach. Recognize that the actions that you're taking when you feel good enough are usually more productive than those motivated by guilt or shame. Rather than swinging between harsh self judgment and justifications, it's pretty beneficial to aim for a middle ground.

This balanced perspective acknowledges that actions can be taken from a place of self acceptance and feeling okay. So more solid in myself, not. I'm perfect, but I know who I am and I'm okay with that. Those actually tend to be more sustainable and productive in the long run. So first thing, identify and acknowledge the specific beliefs and thoughts that are tying your worthiness to productivity.

Next, what you'll want to do is openly, honestly, curiously explore those ideas and. Open yourself up to the possibility that those thoughts aren't actually even helpful or true. I know that might sound that if you're listening to this and your productivity is deeply tied to your worthiness, that sounds insane.

So I recognize that. So I'm, I apologize to you, but if it. Is at all possible, just open up to the possibility that may not be the truth. Last, allow those shifts that your curiosity has found to take hold and start living accordingly. You'll find that the process is so rewarding as well as simple and easy.

Another thing that you want to do in this whole productivity Versus worthiness conversation is listen to your internal needs, ignoring your body's needs for rest can lead to burnout and increase stress, learning to embrace rest and relaxation without guilt can improve overall well being. I'm going to put a note in here that I think you absolutely need to understand being able to say no.

To your boss when they ask to put one more thing on your plate might be part of this process. So keep that in mind as you think about this. But this concept stresses the importance of recognizing when your body needs rest and relaxation, and understanding that ignoring these signals can lead to burnout, heightened stress levels, and potentially exacerbate the coping mechanisms, the way that you're escaping your emotional escapes, the way that you're utilizing your emotional escapes to choose porn.

And might increase the amount of time that you're choosing porn if you're not paying attention to this. One of the most important keys to any mental health journey is to take time to exercise, get enough sleep and create experiences in nature. Go outside, enjoy the leaves and the streams.

But experiences in nature where you're enjoying the environment, enjoying the world around you, these three items are unmatched in their impact on how people feel.

They can be totally free. You don't have to go to a gym to exercise. You don't have to have any sort of special mattress to get good sleep. You don't have to pay usually to go and experience nature. They can be totally free and they have the clearest research backing them as key components of a rich, full and meaningful life.

Turning them into habits, turning them into habitual ways that you engage with your life that you automatically use isn't. easy, but it's actually as doable as anything. One of the ways that I do this is by putting them on my calendar the same way I add other important tasks. So for instance, if I want to go ride my four wheeler out to the waterfall in Tokerville, I put it on the calendar.

That's going to happen. It's just as important as anything else on my calendar, any other appointment, and I go and I do it when I put it down on the calendar. And if you ignore the part where you let your mind take a break, your mind will start to try and ignore how productive you want to be. It'll say, eh, I haven't had a break in a while, so I'm kind of stretched like a rubber band, I'm not able to actually take on anymore.

It's also really important to realize that being more productive won't make you happy. If you ever live your life beyond the tasks that you're supposed to accomplish.

It's also important to realize that being more productive won't make you happy if you never actually live your life beyond the tasks that you're supposed to accomplish.

You're going to be miserable and productive, or you're going to be happy and productive. And if you live your life beyond the... The quote unquote task list, then you're actually going to be happier and more productive in the long run.

Here's what I want you to recognize. Quitting porn is often about changing our beliefs, but it's not about just changing a thought as it comes.

What you want to do is you want to internalize and apply these concepts. You can gradually in that process, cultivate a healthier relationship with productivity, self worth, and really your overall wellbeing. This in turn can lead to more fulfilling and balanced lives. That's really what I think everybody ought to be striving for is a more fulfilling and balanced life because the truth is when you feel fulfilled It's less likely that you're gonna choose something that is outside your value structure Changing your beliefs and being willing to step out of your comfort zone are essential for personal growth and success That's a huge component of this whole thing and the transformative potential of changing how you think about your productivity is pretty enormous

and this is about being willing to step out of your comfort zone and create a commitment to evolving your thought patterns. And individuals who do this have the capacity to achieve remarkable personal growth and success. And this is really the idea of mental flexibility and action. The more mentally flexible you can be, the more likely you can adjust how you see yourself to be more than just what you can provide to others through productivity.

Overall, this is really crucial to recognize that worthiness isn't And finding balance in how you view yourself, your self worth, and who you are in your community, that can lead to you being happier and living more fulfilled. Which in the end of the, at the end of all of this leads you to choosing porn less because you're less likely to need something to solve for how uncomfortable or unproductive or unhappy or bored you feel in the moment.

That's the goal here. Alright my friends, I hope that's been helpful. Please feel free to set up a free consult with me at zackspatford. com, zackspatford. com slash work with thrive. And I would love to talk to you and really get you to a place where you are no longer choosing porn, regardless of what's going on in your life.

All right, my friends, we'll talk to you soon.