The Marshmallow Problem: Why You’re Not Changing Today

Episode 318

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Hey, my friends. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. I'm kind of excited about this topic today. I think it's gonna be really interesting and I think you guys are gonna really like it.

arshmallow experiments of the: 1960

The experimenter walks out, and then honestly, hilarity ensues. Kids do all kinds of funny things when they are trying not to eat a marshmallow. They lick it, they play with it, they roll it around, they sing. Some of them even close their eyes. One even took small bites of it. Over and over and over until the marshmallow was finally gone, and you should have seen the look of disappointment on that kid's face.

It was priceless. It was the look of surprise that the marshmallow was gone and that they weren't getting a second one. There have been a number of conclusions drawn out of this study, including the long term success of those who ate the marshmallows versus those who didn't, and how successful that single act would make that child in the future.

Now I say that single act, but they, the extrapolation was essentially if you had the patience and the willpower to not eat the marshmallow, then you would be successful in long-term life. And if you didn't, then you were gonna be an utter failure. That's, those experiments are actually being redone and some of the conclusions that were drawn then are not necessarily being drawn.

But I don't wanna talk about the conclusions. What I want to talk to you about the, the actual underlying reason why this. Could be difficult. I wanna talk about why it's so difficult for those kids. You watch them on the videos to keep from eating that marshmallow. You could call it willpower, you could call it lack of willpower.

But I want you to kind of think about what actually is willpower in this context. Now, willpower may be nothing more than the capacity of the child to accurately recognize and account for the value of waiting in order to receive the promised reward. This concept is called among other things, future discounting.

Some people call it now bias. It really doesn't matter what you call it, but this is what we're talking about. So you have these kids, they're in this experiment, and what they're doing is they're discounting the future value of that marshmallow. Future discounting is an entire discipline in economics that if I actually took the time to explain it to you in depth, you'd probably be bored outta your mind.

It involves a set of mathematical equations properly inserted into other mathematical equations that allow an economist to value an outcome over time based on real human behavior. Understanding this concept is actually gonna open up a whole new awareness of your pornography struggle that may help you finally take hold and overcome porn now and then start creating the thriving life that you want.

So rather than give you the mathematical equations, 'cause I don't have a whiteboard in front of me and you're not watching this, I'm gonna explain with food. 'cause I like food, but you can insert porn in the place of food in any part of this conversation. But dieting is one of the most universal activities.

In the Western world, and it parallels pornography nearly perfectly. Now, be aware I'm not making a moral equivalency between porn and food, but the brain chemistry is really pretty close, and it works in, I think, a really, very powerful, instructive way. In our decisions that we make around eating healthily and losing weight, we begin to do the math of now versus later versus never.

This is. Future bias, or sorry, future discounting or now bias. Essentially, the thought process might look like this. If I eat healthy now, that will cost me, but if I start on Monday or the first of the month or the first of the year, whatever timeline you usually use, for me it's always Monday. Then I will be having, I will take a clean start and it will actually be easier if I never start, that would be bad.

So I will start for sure. So if I demonstrated that to you numerically, the numbers might look like starting now is worth negative two. Starting later is plus one and starting over is. Or starting never is zero. Now I'm gonna tell you that that's how it works out in the math. If you did the math, like an economist would do it.

But I'm just gonna ask you to believe me that starting now is worth negative two. Starting later is worth plus one, and starting never is worth zero. First, let's start with starting never. You know, the truth is, is that when we think about our struggles, whether it's food or porn, we think I am going to start.

I have to. It's essential. So, you know, we just discount the idea that we're never gonna start and we feel like we only really have two choices to start today, right now, or start tomorrow. So hopefully you're following me. Hopefully you're like, yeah, I'm definitely not gonna never start. I'm definitely gonna start.

So this particular. Number is out. We're not doing that one. That's not part of the equation in in real terms, because I'm definitely starting so great. Perfect. We're all on the same page. Your diet's starting at some point, you're gonna stop looking at pornography at some point For sure. Okay, next. Let's look at starting tomorrow.

And you might recall a cartoon character named Popeye. This is an old school cartoon that I used to love as a kid. In fact, I remember one year, I think we lived in Germany at the time, so we got lots of videos for Christmas and I requested Popeye 'cause I thought he was cool and I didn't really care for spinach, but he was a tough guy and he could always manage himself, so I thought he was cool.

Well, the character that stands out in that cartoon for the purpose of this example is Popeye's friend and sidekick of sorts. The ever hungry for hamburgers? Wimpy. Why was wimpy? Well, you know, wimpy. It's because he was always trading tomorrows for what he wanted today. His catchphrase, which evolved over time, came down to I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

I don't know about you, but the restaurants that served wimpy just one time, usually put up a sign shortly afterward that said, positively no credit. This means you wimpy. So when you think that starting tomorrow is actually worth a positive one rather than the cost. Starting today, which we talked about being a negative two, ask yourself, am I pretending that I will pay Tuesday for a hamburger today?

In other words, when it comes to how I am dealing with my pornography struggle, am I putting off addressing it through meaningful action, measured in consistent practice and commitment to getting coached, believing that it will be easier in the future if I can just get there? If I can just arrive at the future, it's gonna be easier.

Maybe turn to your spouse and be and tell 'em what your answer is. 'cause I know what my answer is. My answer is, I was definitely putting off doing the work, thinking it would be easier at some point in the future because I wished it was, I really wanted it to be. Okay. Last, let's look at starting now, which is worth negative to.

In our example, when we look at starting today, taking action, building an eating plan, actually following it and feeling uncomfortable. We are rightly valuing the cost of getting started. It does cost us. We have to feel the feelings of hunger and discomfort that come from not just shoving all that Super Bowl food in our mouths.

I just watched the Super Bowl. It was a great game. I didn't care who won I, I was rooting on the side of the Eagles. Partly because I don't care for the chiefs, but I'm not a big, I don't care one way or the other. But congratulations to the Chiefs and nice work. But here I am sitting at my friend's house and all this delicious Super Bowl food is there now, do I start today and feel that discomfort?

Have a little rumble in my tummy, smell those delicious smoked chicken wings that he made special for this occasion and just eat them. Or do I go through that discomfort? So the reason this equation is something that we are probably calculating correctly is because doing the work of learning the skills to eat healthy and then actually practicing that process is time consuming.

It's sometimes frustrating and it's nearly always uncomfortable. That's why we don't start. This is why we do the easy thing In the moment. We are looking at the cost of being the person we want to be and seeing that we have to sacrifice the person that we are right now to make that person that we want to be come alive in our actions.

I can tell you as a person who has personally sacrificed the old Zack for the new Zach. This is very uncomfortable and you've probably had this very same thought process in the moment around pornography. I'll start tomorrow. I know that I told myself a thousand times, this is the last time I remember this, all the way back to when I was a 12-year-old kid living in Alaska, exploring masturbation, and thinking that I was a terrible person in sinning.

If we make this same calculation every time. We end up never starting. We never put in the work. And the third component of the equation becomes our reality. So just think about this logically. If today you make the evaluation that the cost of. Negative two is too much. So the the negative two that you will have to pay to start your diet, start quitting porn, whatever it is, is too much.

If every day you make that same equation, then tomorrow. When that becomes today, you're going to make that same equation. You're gonna make that same valuation and that stretches on into eternity. Starting today is too costly. Starting tomorrow never comes, and starting never becomes our default choice.

This is because if we always evaluate the equation today, because we cannot evaluate this particular equation in any other place than right now. And we use the same calculations that make today worth negative two and tomorrow worth positive one and never is set at zero. Our default position in life is to not make a change.

Zero is the default position because change today costs too much and change tomorrow is just supposed to be easier in our minds. By the way, this is born out in physics too. A body at rest will remain at rest. Zero is the equation. Zero is the default position. Not changing is the default position. So think about the way that you are engaging with your pornography struggle if you are putting off, making the change, making a commitment, doing something different than what you have been doing.

So you might have done all kinds of stuff up to this point, but if you're putting off doing something totally different because whatever you've been doing isn't working, then guess what? You are in the default position. I want you to see if right now you can say, you know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna make a change.

I don't know what that change is gonna be for you. I can suggest plenty of them if you sign up for a free consult. But if you will commit to making a change right now today and committing to that change, and start doing that change, regardless of how much it costs you in this moment, you are going to make real change.

And if you don't, I still love you. I still want you to succeed, and I'll see you when you're ready to actually make that change. Thank you guys for tuning in every week to this podcast. We love you. It would mean the world to us if you would rate and leave a review on the Apple Podcast or wherever it is that you listen.

It would help us get our message out and reach more people who need to hear this message. Please share this podcast with your friends and your family. Pornography is a topic that most households are dealing with in one way or another, and you sharing this could be the very thing that your friend or your family member has been looking for.

Alright, my friends, I'll talk to you next week. I.