Understanding Why People Like Porn: A Compassionate Approach to Overcoming Addiction

Episode 255

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Zach Spafford: [: 00:00:00

And today I want to talk about something that I, I didn't really want to talk about. I, it was, it's a little bit tough to talk about this in an intellectual way without getting a lot of hate or without, you know, somebody trying to misconstrue what I'm saying.

And I want to be clear, this is something that I think is an important concept, but that. If you, if you sit here and you listen to this with a closed mind or a closed set of ideas, you're probably going to find this to be an unhelpful and you may, you know, I might get some hate mail over it. But if you sit here and you listen with an open mind and you try to understand what it is that I'm saying, taking it for what it is, what I'm offering it as, which is I'm, I'm trying to help.

And I'm trying to give us a new way of thinking about things so that we can succeed in putting porn in the past.

Then I think you'll find this a very helpful conversation.

I regularly have conversations with men and women who want porn out of their lives, but who, not for a lack of trying, continue to choose to view porn.

One of the difficulties in the process of resolving porn use that runs against our values is a component that's really hard to square with who we want to be. And that is that people like porn.

And I'm not saying that as a moral judgment, I'm not saying that that's okay, I'm simply offering it as an observation.

So today, I'd like to explore why people like porn, and how bringing the temperature down on the subject can be helpful in allowing us to step away from it. Let me start by saying, Darcy and I do not advocate anyone choose to view porn, We don't believe that it's a meaningful way to create intimacy or connection within your life or within your relationships.

We also recognize that sex and sexuality are part of human reality. They're not going away anytime soon.

The same way that villainizing food as bad is really unhelpful to someone who's struggling with weight, villainizing sexuality expressed in ways that are contrary to our values is not helpful in creating a space for someone to bring their behaviors in line with their values.

We don't have to believe that something is bad so we have a reason not to choose it. We don't have to hate something or believe it's disgusting to choose not to engage with it. And to be clear, because I don't want anyone to misconstrue what I'm saying here or the meaning that I'm trying to convey.

We don't endorse pornography use in any way. We don't use it and we don't endorse it.

We also don't endorse dogmatic rhetoric that creates more shame than positive results.

We can find something lights up our brains without engaging in it, endorsing it, or it being good or even good for us.

And this really is where this becomes difficult. Some people, lots of people, you know, you might be sitting here listening to this or the people that you know in your wider world might believe that. To work to understand why people view porn is both tacit approval and likely to draw you into that particular behavior.

I fundamentally disagree with that. Knowing someone at their most vulnerable and seeing them more clearly where you understand their motivations and what it costs them to engage in the behaviors that they're choosing, that is intimacy. And intimacy helps reduce shame and improve connection in a self reinforcing cycle.

This then allows for growth in facing those difficulties that induce us to engage in escapist behaviors. More than anything, this conversation asks that we open up our hearts and minds to those who struggle so we can be kinder and more empathetic in our tone in order to create a place for them to work out how they want to interact with their challenges for their own betterment, even if that person is just yourself, even if you're just like, Hey, I just need to be kinder to me.

That is what this conversation is about. So why do people like porn? Well, I think the very first reason is it's a sanitized and simplified, idealized version of the fundamental drive of every human being's sexuality. It makes what is difficult and messy seem simple and easy.

I mean, if you've ever been in a relationship and you wanted to engage sexually with your partner, that can be a complicated conversation.

Pornography is to human sexuality and relationship negotiation, what Cheetos are to a delicious and nutritious home cooked meal.

Second, porn helps us easily mask and overpower difficult, unwanted, and hard to process feelings and it does this by inserting arousal into the mix.

That makes us feel good, even if it's only for a little while and even if it doesn't actually solve the problem. It allows us to put off until later what we are not very good at resolving right now.

Third, it's highly validating. Porn never says no. It's always on and it's always willing and always ready to meet your desires, regardless of what they are.

t holds no judgment for what [: 00:05:00

And that is all very highly validating.

And when I look at each of these reasons, they can almost all be framed simply as, it makes what is difficult feel a little bit easier in the moment. Even if when that moment passes, it's not easier at all. In fact, it might even be a little bit more difficult.

Human nature is often one of choosing comfort right now at the cost of discomfort later.

And pornography facilitates that pretty easily.

I think it's important that you understand that I don't believe that if people view porn, that makes them bad.

The men and women that I work with are often the most earnest and kind devoted people I know. I have worked with stake presidents. I've worked with pastors, rabbis, bishops, priests who agonize. Over their choices as they dedicate hours each week to the betterment of their families, their congregations, and even to perfect strangers.

I'm not convinced, and the data bears this out, that being morally opposed to pornography And dogmatically disparaging it loudly on repeat helps people refrain from engaging with it.

Just like saying that smoking gives you cancer and donuts make you fat, very few people are ever persuaded to live their sexual values by telling them that porn is disgusting or evil.

What I am convinced of, and the data bears this out again, is that kind, open dialogue helps people see the underlying problems that lead them to viewing porn earlier in the cycle and more clearly.

Additionally, the skills designed to help slow down and mindfully engage the brain at the source of the problem are the most effective in helping people move towards their values, even in the most challenging circumstances, as long as those skills are habitualized through regular and purposeful practice.

If we want to eradicate pornography use from our lives, I mean, I think that's why you're here. I think you're either listening to this because you, you choose porn and you want to get rid of it, or you know somebody who's viewing porn and you want them to get rid of it. We have to be willing, if you want to eradicate porn from our lives, from your life, from the lives of the people around you, we have to be willing to see why choosing what feels good now is helpful to someone who struggles.

Instead of asking, what did you watch? Ask, how were you feeling? And why were you feeling that way?

Instead of making someone's porn use about anything other than them trying to feel good in the moment, seek to see them more clearly and empathetically.

Why don't you feel good? Why are you struggling? Those questions are starting to get at the heart of what's going on for your spouse, or for your friend, or for your child. And they will be more helpful in helping you and them see this problem more clearly.

For those of you spouses who are hurt by porn use in your relationship, I don't want you to take this in any way to mean that your feelings aren't valid or real.

Your pain is an honest expression of how this impacts you. Let it be a catalyst to drive your relationship toward finding a new way of creating intimacy.

Understanding why people view porn doesn't excuse living against your values, your own honestly chosen values. Instead, why you view porn is a chance to confront the deeper issues revealed by this knowledge.

Begin by asking yourself, why do I seek simplified easier sexuality? Why do I avoid my unwanted or difficult feelings? Do I have the skills to deal with those? Why do I crave external validation from someone who doesn't know or even care about me ? Answering these questions is essential for addressing your struggle with porn, and by exploring these motives, you can uncover the root causes of your behavior and work toward meaningful change.

And that process involves self reflection and commitment to aligning your actions with your core values

I don't, I just don't want anybody to spend any more time saying, you know, porn's bad. Okay, fine, whatever. I like, if that's how you feel about it, I'm totally fine with that.

But That, saying that out loud over and over and over again has, I, I've never found that that helps anybody quit porn.

Knowing them, understanding them, creating intimacy with them, and allowing yourself not to be injured by their behavior, but to know them more clearly, more align yourself with them more closely and understanding them more openly, those things have helped so many people quit porn. So I hope that you understand that. Again, I'm not, I'm not advocating for anything here other than honesty, empathy, vulnerability and connection.

If you're struggling because you've done everything you can and you're like, but I still like porn. That's okay. That doesn't mean you're bad and it doesn't mean you can't live your values. It simply means that we have to address the underlying problems. Work through those. And move towards your values more thoroughly and more effectively through skills and knowledge.

I hope this has been helpful. I hope that I've been able to convey this message well, because I want you to understand not only yourself. But those around you who are struggling with this

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All right, my friends have a great week. I'll talk to you soon.