Pornography Addiction Isn't What You Think It Is

Most of the men and women that I have worked with, have seen themselves at some level as an addict.  If that is not you, if you’ve not identified as an addict, then you can probably skip this section. 

If you do see yourself as an addict, it’s important to recognize that you are likely working from what you know and seeing yourself this way is not a flaw.  It is simply part of the process of growing into a person who is living their values. 

When I was a young missionary, living in the city of Naples Italy, my companion and I boarded a train on our way home from proselyting and were followed onto the train by a young woman who, rather than sit in the seats, chose to sit in the stairwell of the train.  I looked her in the eye as I took my seat.  We connected briefly, knowing that each of us could see the other.  Soon after that brief interaction, she began to shoot herself up with heroin.  She did not care who saw or what they thought.  She simply wanted her fix.  

Think about your experience with pornography. Think about the last time you had an encounter where you were viewing pornography and someone interrupted you as you viewed it.  What did you do?  Did you meet the eye of the other person, hold up a finger and say, just a moment, I’ll be with you when I’m done?

You probably would stop immediately.  You would likely pretend that you were not watching anything.  

What this tells me is you are more likely ashamed of your choices than you are addicted to them. 

There are some good reasons to believe you are addicted.  When we use addiction language we are offering ourselves some distance from our behavior.  If I’m an addict, at least in part, I’m not responsible for this behavior.  Being an addict means I’m powerless, and if I’m powerless then pornography has power over me.  If pornography has power over me then when I choose pornography something outside of me is responsible for this choice.  

We’ll talk more about that in the module on agency.  But I want you to see how this idea that something outside of me or something that I’m powerless against has the capacity to make choices for me.  

Once we understand that pornography doesn’t have power over us, but instead that we are choosing to view pornography as a way to manage our discomfort, we begin to fully step into our responsibility and agency on this issue.  

This doesn’t mean that we may not have a compulsive habit that we have set up and follow as a result of continued reinforcement of the habit.  That may be the case. 

Why the distinction?  It’s really simple.  If I believe language and ideas that portray me as powerless or, at some level, a victim of something outside of me, then I’m less empowered to deal with the issue.  

Ask yourself, even if I am an addict, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you are and that is an unassailable fact, does that change the fact that I no longer want porn in my life?  

If the answer is no, then what is the value in believing that you are an addict?

On the flip side, if I believe that I have a habit, even a habit that I compulsively engage in when I feel discomfort, how much more empowered do I feel about dealing with the problem and how much more likely am I to own the process am I likely to be?

In January 2015, Joshua Grubbs of Case Western, published powerful research showing that seeing oneself as a porn addict was predicted not by how much porn one views but by the degree of religiosity and moral attitudes towards sex. Now, Grubbs has published follow-up research demonstrating that believing you are addicted to porn actually causes pain and psychological problems. Contrast this finding with the idea that we have to identify as an addict to get on the road to recovery.

and we know that people who feel bad make worse decisions than those who feel good. 

Within my coaching platform, we start by resetting mental attitudes around porn, in a sex-positive way without setting aside our values.   You’ll learn new, effective ways to think about pornography. You’ll learn what is actually going on for you that draws you toward pornography.  And you’ll learn how to reframe the issues in a shame-free way so you can begin to actually address the real issue directly.  Treating the cause and not just the symptom. Dealing with the reasons why we choose pornography is the most effective way to eliminate the habit before it even comes up.

Reframing the problem to create workable solutions helps