Why Motivation and Willpower Fail (and Why That’s Normal)

Episode 295

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Zach Spafford: [00:00:00] Hey everybody. Welcome back to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm Zach Spafford and I'm really glad you're here today. Let me ask you, have you ever started off super motivated to leave porn behind? Like. This is it. I'm finally done. I've got the willpower, I've got the motivation. And then like two days later you find yourself right back where you started.

Yeah, me, me too. And honestly, that's actually pretty normal today. We're talking about why motivation and willpower don't last, and why that's not your fault. More importantly, I'm gonna share what does work.

So you're not stuck in this cycle of trying harder and getting nowhere.

Let's start with the basics. Motivation and willpower are great, but they're a lot like gas in your car. They get you going, but they run out. Especially when you're dealing with something like porn, which isn't just a behavior, it's the way that we've learned to cope. It's the way that we learn to escape and deal with life.

I had a client, let's call him Jake, who told me, Zach, I can go a week or even two if I'm feeling motivated, [00:01:00] but then something happens, stress at work, an argument at home, and boom, I'm back at it. And the thing is, Jake isn't weak. He's just relying on tools that aren't meant for the long haul. So if willpower motivation aren't enough, what's next?

Well, it is not just about what you don't want. It's about who you do want to be. And this is where your "why" comes in, but not just any "why" the kind that actually sticks when willpower fades.

Let me ask you, why do you wanna stop watching porn? Is it because someone told you to? Because you feel guilty, because you're afraid of what others might think? There's nothing wrong with wanting to stop for someone else's sake. That's human. But your why is just about avoiding pain.

But if your why is just about avoiding pain or pleasing others, it won't hold up when things get tough. When your why is about who you want to become, everything changes. It's not about fighting urges or trying to be perfect. It's about living in line with your values, your vision of yourself.

I had a [00:02:00] client will call him Matt, who said, I've been trying to quit for my wife for years, but I'm still stuck. And what we realized was that he didn't really know who he wanted to be. He only knew who he didn't want to disappoint, which was his wife, but once he got clear, I want to be a man who's fully present, who's calm, his stress, who doesn't need porn to cope.

That's when things started to shift for him. He wasn't just fighting porn, he was stepping into a vision of himself that he liked the person that he wanted to be. Let me give you an example that might help. Think about someone who's a vegetarian. They're not walking around constantly battling with themselves.

Every time they see a plate of bacon, which would be my, which is my weakness, they don't think, oh man, I should eat that. I really want to, but I shouldn't. No, they just say I'm a vegetarian. That's why I don't eat meat. And that's not a fight. It's just who they are. The same applies here when you know your why, when you see yourself as someone who doesn't need porn to manage [00:03:00] life, it stops being an endless fight. You're not arguing with your brain all day. You're just living in alignment with who you are. Your why isn't just a motivational slogan, it's a tool to help you see yourself differently. It moves you from, "I can't do this to, I don't do this because that's not who I am."

So here's what I want you to think about today. Who are you becoming? What's your real why?

Not simply to stop watching porn, but to be someone you are proud of. Someone who lives with peace and purpose and confidence because there's something a lot of people miss who you believe you are, shapes everything you do.

When you see yourself as someone who's always going to struggle with porn or someone who's just wired that way or broken in some way, what do you think happens? You act like someone who's stuck. And when you start to believe "I'm someone who doesn't need porn to handle how I feel and what's going on in my life," guess what? Your actions start to follow that belief.

I had [00:04:00] another client, we'll call him James. Who came to me saying, Zach, I feel like porn is just part of who I am. I've been doing this since I was a teenager, and I don't know if I'll ever really change. And that belief was driving everything for him.

But over time, we worked on shifting that he started to see himself as not a porn addict, but as someone who was learning new ways to deal with stress, boredom, and other unwanted unpleasant emotions. He started saying, "I'm someone who chooses how I respond. I'm someone who values real conne