Why we stay stuck and how to unstick our porn struggle

Episode 30x

🎙️ Podcast Intro Script:

Hey everybody, and welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I’m your host, Zach Spafford—and today we’re diving into something that a lot of people feel, but almost no one wants to say out loud.

It's that internal tug-of-war moment when you find yourself thinking,

“I know I should stop using porn… but part of me doesn’t want to.”

Maybe you’ve told yourself it’s just a bad habit.
Maybe you’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, joined the programs.
Maybe you’ve even gone weeks or months without it.

And yet… here you are. Still finding comfort in it. Still feeling stuck between two parts of yourself. One that says, “I want more for my life,” and one that whispers, “Yeah… but not yet.”

If that sounds familiar—this episode is for you.

Because here’s the truth:
Not wanting to stop yet doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It doesn’t mean you don’t care about your marriage, your values, or your future.
And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re beyond help.

What it does mean… is that you’re human.
And that you're probably navigating a whole storm of emotion, fear, comfort, identity, and unmet needs—all tied up in one behavior you wish you didn’t need… but also kind of do.

So today, we’re not going to guilt you into changing.
We’re not going to make you promise to quit forever starting now.
We’re just going to get honest.

We’re going to talk about why ambivalence—this “yes, but…” moment—is actually a really important part of growth…
And how you can start moving from “I should” to “I choose,” even if you’re not all the way ready to quit.

Let’s get into it.

🎙️ Section II Script:
The “Yes, But…” Moment: Why We Stay Stuck

So let’s start with this idea of ambivalence—this space where two conflicting things are true at the same time.

On one hand, you do want to stop using porn.
You’ve probably felt the consequences—maybe in your relationship, in your self-respect, in the way you show up for life.
You know it’s not aligned with who you want to be.

But on the other hand…
You also kind of don’t want to stop.
Because porn gives you something—comfort, escape, release, control, maybe even a sense of being wanted when you’re feeling unseen.

This is what I call the “Yes, but…” moment.

“Yes, I want to stop… but it helps me fall asleep.”
“Yes, I want to stop… but I don’t know how else to deal with stress.”
“Yes, I want to stop… but I don’t feel close to my spouse right now.”

Sound familiar?

These aren’t excuses.
They’re real beliefs—and dealing with them matters.
They’re telling you something about your emotional landscape, how you’re dealing with how you feel, and about the ways you’ve learned to cope—maybe since you were a kid.

The mistake most people make is trying to push past these feelings.
They shame themselves.
They say, “I just need to try harder.”
Or they double down on willpower without ever asking:

“Why am I still saying yes to this? What’s the payoff?”

And that’s where people get stuck.


Because until you understand what porn is doing for you—what it’s solving—you’re going to have a hard time letting it go.

So instead of judging your ambivalence, I want you to get curious about it.

What is it about porn that still works for you, even if it doesn’t align with your values?
Where does it help you avoid something?
What parts of your life feel easier when porn is in the picture?

These are hard questions.
But answering them honestly is how we unstick ourselves.
Because once you can name what you're using porn for, you can begin to explore other ways to meet those same needs—without shame, secrecy, or self-betrayal.

🎙️ Section III Script:
Exploring Mixed Feelings Without Shame

So now that we’ve named the ambivalence—the “yes, but…” moment—let’s talk about what to actually do with it.

Because here’s what I know from working with clients over the years:
If you try to power through your mixed feelings with shame as your fuel, you might get a short-term result…
But long-term change? That doesn’t grow in the soil of self-rejection.

Instead, we’ve got to shift the tone of the conversation you’re having with yourself.
From “What’s wrong with me?” to “What’s this trying to tell me?”
From “I should be over this by now” to “There’s something here I haven’t fully understood yet.”

Let me give you a few questions that I use with clients to explore this without shame:

* What do I actually like about porn?
Not what I think I’m supposed to say… but what do I genuinely enjoy or rely on?

* What need is this meeting right now?
Maybe it’s stress relief. Maybe it’s numbing out after conflict. Maybe it’s feeling wanted or in control.

* What would I have to feel if I didn’t use porn right now?
This one’s big. Because a lot of the time, porn is a way to not feel something—like loneliness, rejection, boredom, or failure.

When you start to ask these questions honestly, without piling guilt on top, you begin to see that your behavior isn’t random or disgusting or proof that you’re broken.

It’s functional. It’s doing a job.

That doesn’t mean it’s the best solution.
But it does mean you’re not crazy. You’re not hopeless.
You’re a person with real needs who learned to meet them in a way that maybe no longer works—but once did.

And here's the truth: You can’t change a pattern you’re still ashamed to look at.

That’s why this step—exploring your mixed feelings without shame—isn’t a detour.
It’s the work.

It’s what lets you move forward from a place of understanding, not just grit.
Because when you finally stop trying to force yourself into change, and you start listening to what your behavior is trying to say, that’s when you create the space for something new.

🎙️ Section IV Script:
Moving from “I Should” to “I Choose”

Let’s talk now about one of the biggest mindset shifts you can make in this process—the shift from “I should” to “I choose.”

Because here’s what often happens:
You start thinking about quitting porn, and your brain gets flooded with “shoulds.”

“I should stop because I’m hurting my partner.”
“I should stop because good people don’t do this.”
“I should stop because I promised I would.”

Now, I’m not saying those reasons don’t matter.
But “should” language usually comes from a place of external pressure—not internal alignment.
And when change is driven by guilt, fear, or the need to please someone else, it rarely lasts.

Why?

Because “should” creates resistance.
It creates rebellion.
It makes porn feel like the forbidden fruit. Something you’re not allowed to want, which only makes you want it more.

But when you shift into “I choose,” everything changes.

“I choose to stop because I want deeper connection.”
“I choose to stop because I respect my values.”
“I choose to stop because I want to feel good in my own skin again.”

Do you hear the difference?

One is about obligation.
The other is about ownership.

And here’s why that’s powerful:
When you start making choices based on who you want to be—not who you’re afraid of disappointing—you stop chasing perfection, and you start building integrity.

This is the moment where your recovery becomes yours.
Not your spouse’s.
Not your church’s.
Not your therapist’s.
Yours.

So if you’re still in that space of “I’m not sure I want to stop yet,” that’s okay.
Just start asking:

* “If I did want to stop, what would I want my reasons to be?”

* “What kind of man do I want to become—regardless of what anyone else expects?”

You don’t need perfect motivation.
You just need a sliver of clarity.
A reason that resonates enough to say, even just for today:

“I choose to do this differently.”

🎙️ Section V Script:
Practical Steps Forward (Even If You’re Not Fully Ready to Quit)

So let’s say you’re still not totally on board with quitting. Maybe you’re listening to this and thinking,

“Yeah, this all makes sense… but I’m still not ready to give it up.”

That’s okay. You’re not behind. You’re not broken.
You’re just in process. And there are steps you can take—even if you’re not 100% ready to stop today.

Let me give you a few practical ways to move forward from exactly where you are:

1️⃣ Start Tracking, Not Stopping

Instead of focusing on quitting, start with observing.

Keep a journal or a note in your phone. Every time you feel the urge to view porn, write down:

* What time it is

* What just happened before the urge

* What you’re feeling

* What you’re hoping porn will help with

This is not about judgment—it’s about data.
And once you gather enough data, you’ll start seeing patterns you couldn’t see before.
That awareness alone can start shifting your behavior.

2️⃣ Ride Out Just One Urge

You don’t have to commit to forever.
Just try riding out one urge without acting on it.

Notice what happens in your body.
What thoughts come up?
How long does it actually last?

The goal isn’t to suffer or resist—it’s to get to know your urge. To see that it doesn’t own you.

And even if you do give in afterward, that moment of pause? That’s progress.

3️⃣ Talk to Someone—But Drop the Performance

If you’ve got a therapist, a coach, a trusted friend, or a partner who’s safe enough to hold space, try talking about where you really are.

Not where you think you should be.
Not a filtered version of your struggle.
But the real, raw, “I’m still figuring it out” version of you.

Because the more honest you are, the less power shame has over you.
And sometimes just saying it out loud—“I don’t want to stop yet”—can loosen its grip.

4️⃣ Get Clear on Who You Want to Become

Even if you're not ready to stop, you can still work on becoming the person you want to be.

Ask yourself:

* What kind of partner do I want to show up as?

* How do I want to feel about myself?

* What would freedom actually look like—not just from porn, but in life?

The clearer your vision, the easier it becomes to take steps that move you in that direction—even if you're taking them slowly.

Bottom line?

You don’t need to be all-in to start growing.
You just need to be honest, curious, and willing to move one inch forward.

🎙️ Section VI Script:
Conclusion: You Don’t Need to Pretend

If you’ve made it this far in the episode, I want to say something really simple—but really important:

You don’t need to pretend.

Not to your partner.
Not to your friends.
Not to your coach, your church, or even to yourself.

You don’t need to pretend that you’re further along than you are.
You don’t need to pretend that you’re 100% ready to quit when a big part of you isn’t there yet.

Because honesty—radical honesty—is the starting point of every real transformation.

The moment you stop hiding your ambivalence is the moment you can start working with it.

You can begin to understand what’s really going on beneath the surface.
You can give yourself compassion without excusing behavior.
And most importantly—you can begin making conscious, values-based choices… not because someone told you to, but because they reflect who you actually want to be.

That’s the path.
Not perfection. Not pressure.
Just one honest step at a time.

So whether you’re all-in on quitting, still figuring it out, or somewhere in between—just know this:

You’re not stuck because you’re broken.
You’re stuck because there’s something in you that still needs to be heard, understood, and healed.
And that is incredibly human.

Keep listening to yourself.
Keep choosing alignment.
And keep showing up, even if it’s messy.

You’ve got this.
And you don’t have to do it alone.