Episode 300: Living ACT—How to Apply Acceptance and Commitment Training in Real Life
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At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
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Transcript
Episode 300: Living ACT—How to Apply Acceptance and Commitment Training in Real Life
Zach Spafford:
Hey everybody, and welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I’m your host, Zach Spafford, and today we’re diving into something that might sound a little clinical or academic at first—but stick with me. This tool is one of the most powerful and practical methods you can use in everyday life as you work to break free from pornography.
I’m talking about ACT—Acceptance and Commitment Training (or Therapy, if you're working with a licensed professional). I'm not a therapist, so I use ACT as a training approach.
hen that familiar urge hit at:It wasn’t until I started living ACT in the middle of my everyday life that things shifted. ACT isn’t a system you memorize; it’s a way of showing up. It’s not about fixing yourself. It’s about freeing yourself to live more aligned with the person you truly want to be.
In this episode, I’ll walk you through ACT in action—not in theory or in a clinical setting, but in your kitchen, in your car, during that argument with your spouse, or in a quiet moment of self-doubt.
Let’s get into it.
1. Being Present
Let’s start with something simple, but incredibly powerful—presence.
Most of the time, when we're caught in a pornography habit, we’re not present. We’re stuck in our heads, regretting a mistake from yesterday or projecting into a future that feels hopeless. Presence pulls us out of that loop. It brings us back to now—where we actually have the power to choose.
Try this: next time you’re brushing your teeth, don’t rush through it. Pay attention. Feel the bristles. Taste the mint. Hear the water. It might sound trivial, but you’re training your brain to stay with reality, instead of escaping into thought spirals.
When an urge hits, don’t try to push it away. Pause. Name your surroundings:
Three things you can see
Three things you can hear
Three sensations in your body
This grounding disrupts the detour cycle. It brings you back from autopilot into awareness—where your power lives.
2. Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with or enjoy what you’re feeling. It means you stop resisting it long enough to take control.
Imagine it’s raining. You can scream at the sky or try to cover every inch of your yard with an umbrella—or you can say, “Okay, it’s raining,” and bring a jacket. That’s how you can treat difficult emotions.
Urges aren’t just urges. They come with layers—stress, shame, boredom, loneliness. Fighting those feelings usually leads to escape. But when you accept them, you open space for choice.
Try saying: “This is hard, and I can do hard things.” It’s honest, and it honors your strength.
Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating discomfort forever. It means choosing not to run from it, so you can walk toward what matters most.
3. Cognitive Diffusion
Diffusion is the practice of seeing your thoughts instead of becoming them.
In the middle of a struggle, your mind might say: “I’ve already messed up. I might as well keep going.” Or, “This is just who I am.” These thoughts sound like truth, so you believe them.
Try this instead: “I’m having the thought that I’ll never beat this.”
See the shift? You’re not the thought. You’re observing the thought. That space gives you back your freedom.
Want to go a step further? Try saying the thought in a silly voice or singing it in your head. It sounds weird, but it helps you see it as just language—not law.
Practice this: next time a negative thought arises, prefix it with, “I’m having the thought that…” See what opens up in that space.
4. Self-as-Context (The Observer Self)
This might sound abstract, but stick with me. There’s a part of you that notices everything—your thoughts, your urges, your emotions—without getting swept up.
That part of you? That’s the observer self. It’s like the sky. Your thoughts and emotions are the weather. Storms come and go, but the sky remains.
When you feel stuck in a spiral, remind yourself: “I’m not the urge. I’m the one noticing the urge.”
Here’s a simple exercise: journal from the observer’s perspective.
Instead of writing, “I feel broken,” write, “I notice a strong feeling of shame. I notice a part of me that wants to escape it.”
That tiny change shifts you from reaction to response. It’s grounding. It’s powerful.
5. Values
Values aren’t goals. Goals are destinations. Values are directions.
A goal might be “go 30 days without porn.” A value is “be a man of integrity.”
When urges hit, your values help you remember who you want to be—even when it’s hard.
Maybe you value connection. That doesn’t mean you always feel connected. It means you act in ways that build connection—like sending a kind text or listening with intention.
Ask yourself: “What kind of partner, parent, or person do I want to be today?” Let your answer guide your next small action.
Values keep you grounded in intention—not reaction. That’s the foundation for transformation.
6. Committed Action
This is where it all comes together.
Committed action means choosing the next right step—not because it’s easy or you feel motivated, but because it reflects your values.
You might take a walk, send a text, or close your laptop. These actions seem small, but they build the life you want.
Here’s your challenge: pick one small, value-aligned action today. Not because it fixes everything, but because it’s who you’re becoming.
Putting It All Together: A Real-Life Example
Let’s say it’s late. You’re tired, frustrated. An urge hits. Your brain says, “Just escape for a bit—you’ve earned it.”
Here’s how ACT shows up:
Pause and be present – Take a breath. Name your surroundings.
Accept – “This is uncomfortable, and I can do uncomfortable things.”
Diffuse – “I’m having the thought that this is the only way to feel better.”
Observe – You’re not the urge. You’re the one watching it.
Remember your values – Ask, “Who do I want to be right now?”
Take action – Call a friend, go for a walk, put on a podcast.
Not because it erases the urge. But because this is the path toward freedom.
You don’t have to master all six processes today. Pick one. Practice. Maybe it’s being present at meals. Maybe it’s noticing a recurring thought.
Ask yourself: “What principle am I already practicing—even without realizing it?” Celebrate that. Build from there.
And if you have questions or want to share your story, reach out. You can find me on Instagram @ThriveBeyondPorxography (where the “n” is an “x”) or email me at zach@zachspafford.com.
Thanks for being here. Keep doing the work. I’ll talk to you next week.
