Why Your “Why” Matters More Than Your Behavior
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Transcript
Episode 299: Why Your “Why” Matters More Than Your Behavior
Podcast: Thrive Beyond Pornography
Host: Zach Spafford
Duration: 16 minutes
Meta Description:
In Episode 299 of Thrive Beyond Pornography, Zach Spafford explains why identifying the root cause of your actions—your "why"—is more powerful than focusing only on behavior. Discover how to build purpose-driven change that lasts.
Introduction: Stop Focusing on Behavior—Start Uncovering Motivation
“What if I told you it's not what you do that matters the most? It's why you do it.”
Many people begin their journey to stop watching pornography by focusing on behavior. It makes sense—behavior is visible. But behavior is often the symptom, not the cause.
In this episode, Zach explores how two people can take the same action for entirely different reasons. One moves toward purpose. The other escapes discomfort. That difference changes everything.
The Surface vs. The Root: Why Behavior Change Alone Fails
When we try to change, we target the action:
Stop watching porn.
Stop scrolling.
Stop overeating.
But just focusing on stopping is like mowing a weed—it might look better for now, but the root is alive. That root is the why. The motive behind the action. To create lasting change, we need to dig deep.
Real-Life Example: The Gym Analogy
Two people hit the gym.
One does it to feel strong and energized.
The other does it out of shame, punishing their body.
Same workout. Different motive. The second person often rewards the workout with something that undoes the progress—like a root beer float. That difference—why they do it—determines how long they stick with it and whether they feel empowered or ashamed.
A Client Story: Confession Without Understanding
A client recently admitted to viewing pornography. He told his wife the what, but not the why.
The trigger? Anxiety from an unanswered email and a looming deadline. A thought spiral took over:
“I don’t want them to think I’m a flake.”
“What if they think I’m useless?”
“I’ll get fired.”
The core belief: I’m inadequate.
He didn't view porn because he was bored or immoral. He used it to quiet the voice in his head.
Porn Isn’t the Real Problem—It’s the Brain’s Solution
“Porn is the escape your brain offers—not because it's healthy, but because it works. Temporarily.”
Porn becomes the quick fix for deeper pain—anxiety, fear, inadequacy, or disconnection. It’s fast, cheap, and reliable. But it’s not the villain.
Think of Severus Snape. Misunderstood. Not the real enemy.
Porn is Step 3 in what Zach calls the Detour Cycle—a five-step pattern that leads from discomfort to misaligned action.
Understanding the Detour Cycle: How You Get Hooked
Narrative Onset – A thought like, “I don’t want them to think I’m a flake.”
Emotional Catalyst – Fear, shame, anxiety.
Maladaptive Response – Turning to porn for relief.
(Remaining steps explored further in Zach’s course.)
When you don’t name your story, you stay stuck. Even if you quit porn, you’ll find a different escape—like scrolling, binging, overworking, or people-pleasing.
Introducing the DOTSS Framework: How You Avoid Discomfort
Zach teaches the Connect the DOTSS framework in his course to help identify avoidance patterns:
Distraction – Staying busy to avoid emotions.
Opting Out – Withdrawing from meaningful action.
Thinking – Overanalyzing or catastrophizing.
Substances and Self – Porn, overeating, alcohol, negative self-talk.
Social Strategies – People-pleasing, isolation, or avoidance.
These strategies numb pain—but don’t heal it.
The Key Question: “What Were You Feeling Before You Slipped?”
When someone says, “I viewed porn,” Zach doesn’t dwell on the action. He asks:
“What emotion preceded it?”
“What story did your brain create?”
“Which DOTSS strategy did you use to escape the discomfort?”
This isn’t about failure. It’s about data.
“These choices are a window into how we actually solve the problem.”
The Goal Isn’t Sobriety—It’s Purposeful Living
You don’t need more willpower. You need more clarity.
The shift? Stop asking “How do I stop?” and start asking “Why am I choosing this?”
That’s the start of what Zach calls Why-Powered Change.
From Reaction to Response: Building Psychological Flexibility
Psychological flexibility is the ability to feel discomfort and still act in alignment with your values.
“I feel overwhelmed… and I’m going to pause, breathe, and check in.”
This shift doesn’t erase the struggle—it transforms it.
You’re not broken. You’re learning to respond differently.
Failure Is a Teacher, Not a Defeat
Zach shares a client story. Years of filters, streak tracking, calendars, and accountability—but porn kept returning. Why?
Because the “why” was never addressed.
Once he started noticing patterns—fears, beliefs, emotions—he named them. He got curious, not judgmental. That gave him space to choose.
Three Questions to Practice Why-Powered Change
When the urge hits, pause and ask:
What am I feeling right now?
Use the How We Feel app to name your emotions.
What’s the story behind that feeling?
Say it out loud. Write it down.
What matters to me right now?
Choose actions aligned with your values—even if it’s hard.
“Practice this daily. Even brushing your teeth is a chance to reinforce your why.”
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Broken. You’re Becoming.
When you shift from surface-level behavior management to deep-rooted clarity, everything changes.
Build a life where you don’t need porn. Not out of control, but from purpose.
