Porn Use as a Nervous System Response: Understanding Polyvagal Theory

Episode 307

🎙 Section 1: Introduction – Script

Episode Title: Porn Use as a Nervous System Response: Understanding Polyvagal Theory

ZACH:
Hey everybody, and welcome to another Mastery Monday here on the Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast. I’m your host, Zach Spafford, and today I want to begin by asking you a question:

Have you ever felt like your body was already reaching for your phone… already halfway through a search… before your brain even had a chance to weigh in?

You didn’t decide to go look at porn in a thoughtful, logical way. It just kind of happened.

And afterward, maybe you’re left thinking: “Why did I do that? I didn’t even want to.”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

In fact, what you might be experiencing is something very real—and very human—called nervous system dysregulation.

So today, we’re diving into a powerful idea that can reshape how you view your struggle with pornography—and more importantly, how you heal and grow.

It’s called Polyvagal Theory, and I promise I’m not going to throw a bunch of neuroscience at you without making it practical. We’re going to talk about how your body’s automatic stress responses—things like anxiety, shutdown, or feeling numb—can actually drive your urges to use porn.

And not only that, I’m going to give you some tools you can start using today to regulate your nervous system and respond differently to those moments when urges show up.

Because this work isn’t just about avoiding a behavior—it’s about understanding yourself with compassion, and learning how to create real, sustainable safety from the inside out.

Let’s get started.

🎙 Section 2: What Is Polyvagal Theory?

Okay, so let’s break this down.

What is Polyvagal Theory? And why does it matter when we’re talking about pornography?

Polyvagal Theory was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, and at its core, it’s a way to understand how your nervous system is constantly scanning the world for one simple thing:
Am I safe?

Not “Am I morally right?”
Not “Am I strong enough?”
But: Am I safe—right now—in this moment?

And based on that assessment, your body will automatically shift into different states to help you survive or connect.

There are three main states in this theory. I’ll walk you through them in a really simple way:

1. Ventral Vagal – Safe and Social

This is the state where you feel calm, connected, open, and curious.
You can have a conversation.
You can make eye contact.
You feel like yourself.

This is your “best self” nervous system state.
This is also the state where it’s easiest to live your values and make thoughtful choices.

2. Sympathetic – Fight or Flight

This is the state your body enters when it senses danger.
You might feel anxious, restless, panicked, or angry.
Your thoughts race. Your heart pounds. You feel driven to do something—anything—to make the threat go away.

When you’re in this state, porn might show up as a way to distract or soothe your stress.

3. Dorsal Vagal – Freeze or Shutdown

This is the shutdown state.
You feel disconnected.
You might describe yourself as numb, exhausted, empty, or like you’re underwater.
This is the “I don’t care anymore” state. The “whatever” state.

And in this state, porn can become a source of stimulation—something to feel something when everything else feels too far away.

Here’s the key takeaway:
These states are not something you choose.
They happen automatically, based on your body’s perception of safety.

This means that when you reach for porn, especially in high-stress moments, it might not be about pleasure at all.
It might be your nervous system trying to bring you back to something that feels familiar… or at least manageable.

And the more often you use porn to regulate your nervous system, the more your body starts to rely on it—not as a want, but as a shortcut to stability.

So if you've ever asked yourself:

“Why do I keep going back to this even when I know I don't want to?”

Polyvagal Theory gives us a really compassionate answer:
Because your body is trying to help you survive.

But survival mode isn’t where you were meant to live.

You were made for connection.
You were made to be calm, clear, and confident.
You were made to choose—on purpose—not react out of panic or shutdown.

And in the next part of this episode, I’m going to show you how.

We’re going to look at how porn becomes a coping strategy—and what you can do instead.

🎙 Section 3: How Porn Becomes a Nervous System Coping Strategy – Script

ZACH:
So now that we understand the basics of Polyvagal Theory and how our nervous system is always scanning for safety, let’s talk about how this connects directly to pornography use.

If you're like most of the people I work with, you don’t wake up in the morning thinking, “You know what? I can’t wait to look at porn today.”

But then something happens.

Maybe it's a difficult interaction at work…
Maybe your kids are climbing the walls and you feel totally overwhelmed…
Maybe you just feel numb—like you’re walking around in a fog, disconnected from your body, from your spouse, from yourself.

And before you know it, you’re caught in that same pattern. The urge hits. You reach for your phone. You don’t even remember making the choice. And afterwards, you wonder what just happened.

Here’s what’s really going on:

Your nervous system got dysregulated.

It moved you from the calm, connected ventral state, into either sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal (freeze/shutdown).
And when that happens, your body is no longer thinking about long-term goals or values.
It’s thinking about survival.
It’s thinking, “What can I do right now to feel okay again?”

And if porn has been your go-to method for stress relief, stimulation, escape, or even just avoiding hard emotions, your body will default to that pathway.

Not because you're weak.
Not because you lack willpower.
But because it’s learned that this works—for now.

Let me say that again:
Porn may be working as a survival strategy, not as a moral failure.

It’s regulating your nervous system—just not in a way that’s aligned with who you want to be.

And the more you rely on it, the more your nervous system starts to associate pornography with relief and safety.

So think about that…

If every time you feel stressed or lonely or disconnected, your body says,

“Let’s go find that dopamine hit that makes this go away,”
...then of course the urge feels automatic.

Of course it feels like it hijacks your brain.

Because it kind of does—but not in the way we usually think. It’s not your prefrontal cortex making a reasoned decision. It’s your nervous system reaching for what it knows will change the state you’re in.

And let’s be honest: it works.
Temporarily.

It numbs the pain. It distracts from loneliness. It simulates connection.
But then… the aftermath.
The shame.
The disconnection from your partner.
The internal conflict—“This isn’t who I want to be.”

So here’s the shift I want to offer you:

Instead of asking, “Why do I keep doing this?”
Try asking, “What is my nervous system trying to solve right now?”

* Is it trying to escape stress?

* Is it trying to feel something when you feel numb?

* Is it trying to avoid conflict or shame or fear?

That question will lead you somewhere way more productive than judgment ever will.

Because if you can start to meet the real need—if you can learn to regulate your nervous system in healthy ways—porn doesn’t have to be the solution anymore.

And that’s what we’re going to do next.

In the next section, I’m going to walk you through simple, body-based tools you can use to downshift from fight, flight, or freeze and return to a place of calm and choice.

You don’t need more willpower.
You need regulation.
Let me show you how.

🎙 Section 4: Reframing the Struggle – From Shame to Compassion

ZACH:
Alright, let’s pause here for a moment.
Because what we just talked about—that pornography use is often a nervous system response—is a really big shift for most people.

So I want to take a moment and help you reframe this struggle.
And I want to invite you to do it with compassion.

See, when most people think about breaking free from pornography, they start with shame.

“Why can’t I stop?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“If I really cared, I wouldn’t keep doing this.”

And listen, I get it.
I’ve lived it.

But here’s what shame never does:
Shame never creates lasting change.
Shame never regulates the nervous system.
In fact, shame is one of the most dysregulating emotions we experience.

It pulls us straight into fight/flight or shutdown.
Which means the very emotion we think we deserve for messing up…
...is the emotion most likely to drive us back into the cycle.

That’s why compassion is not weakness—it’s a strategic intervention.

Compassion says,

“Oh. I see what’s happening here. I’m not broken—I’m dysregulated.”
“My body is trying to solve something, and it’s doing the best it knows how.”

That doesn’t mean you excuse behavior.
It means you begin to understand it in context.
And that’s what gives you the space to choose differently.

So here’s the shift:

* Instead of judging the urge… get curious.

* Instead of hiding from the behavior… reflect with honesty.

* Instead of spiraling in shame… breathe into self-compassion.

This is what we do in coaching and in the Thrive membership every day.

We learn how to bring safety back into the system—so that our values can start leading again.

Because you don’t change by punishing yourself.
You change by creating the conditions where change becomes possible.

And right now, for many of you, that means working with your nervous system—not against it.

So take a deep breath with me.
Literally—right now. Just breathe in through your nose...
And out through your mouth.

You're not failing.
You're learning.

And now, let’s move into the next part of this episode, where I’ll teach you five practical tools that you can start using today to regulate your nervous system and respond to urges with clarity and calm.

🎙 Section 5: Practical Tools for Nervous System Regulation – Script

ZACH:
Okay, now that you understand how your nervous system works and how pornography can show up as a way to regulate overwhelming states like stress, shutdown, or disconnection, let’s talk about what you can do instead.

I want to give you five practical, simple, and effective nervous system regulation tools—tools you can use in those moments when the urge feels overwhelming… but also in your everyday life to build resilience and a stronger sense of internal safety.

These aren’t about controlling behavior through willpower.
They’re about supporting your body so that your brain and your values can actually show up and lead.

Let’s dive in.

🌿 Tool #1: Orienting

When your body feels overwhelmed or triggered, one of the most effective things you can do is to orient to the present moment.

Here’s how:

* Slowly turn your head left… then right.

* Look around your space and name 3–5 objects you can see.

* Say out loud where you are: “I’m in my office. It’s Tuesday afternoon. The chair is beneath me.”

Why this works:
Your nervous system is checking for safety.
And by orienting to your surroundings, you’re sending a message:

“There’s no threat here. I’m okay right now.”

This simple exercise can interrupt that automatic dive into fight, flight, or freeze.

🌱 Tool #2: Grounding

Grounding helps bring you out of your head and back into your body—especially useful if you feel anxious, numb, or disconnected.

Try this:

* Plant your feet firmly on the ground.

* Wiggle your toes inside your shoes.

* Press your palms together or hold something textured in your hands.

* Do a 5-4-3-2-1 check-in:

* 5 things you can see

* 4 things you can feel

* 3 things you can hear

* 2 things you can smell

* 1 thing you can taste

This reconnects you with what’s real—not what your brain is spiraling about.

🌬 Tool #3: Regulated Breathing

When you're in fight or flight, your breathing becomes shallow and fast.
You can use your breath to reverse that process and send calming signals to your body.

Try box breathing:

* Inhale for 4…

* Hold for 4…

* Exhale for 4…

* Hold for 4…

Or simply focus on longer exhales:

* Inhale for 4…

* Exhale for 6 or 8…

That longer exhale tells your body,

“We’re safe. We can slow down.”

You don’t have to do this for 10 minutes. Even 60 seconds can help regulate your state.

🧘 Tool #4: Movement and Touch

When you’re in a freeze or shutdown state, you need to stimulate the body gently back into motion.

* Shake out your hands.

* Stand up and stretch.

* Take a quick walk around the block or your home.

* Place a hand on your chest or your belly and say something calming:
“I’m here.”
“This moment will pass.”
“I can choose how I respond.”


Touch + movement can reawaken that safe and social state—what we call ventral vagal.

🪞 Tool #5: Curious Self-Check

This one is less physical but just as important.

In the moment you notice an urge or discomfort, pause and ask:

* “What state is my body in right now?”

* “Am I anxious, numb, agitated, or lonely?”

* “What am I needing that I’m hoping porn will fix?”

This shifts you from reactive to reflective.
And that’s where agency begins.

Your goal isn’t to feel perfect.
Your goal is to feel present—enough to choose.

When you practice these tools regularly—even when you’re not overwhelmed—you start to retrain your nervous system to return to calm more quickly.

It becomes easier to stay grounded when things get hard.
You build trust in yourself.
And gradually, the urge to use porn as a coping strategy loses its grip—not because you fought harder, but because you created a better way to care for yourself.

🎙 Section 6: Rebuilding Regulation Through Values

Okay—so we’ve talked about how your nervous system works.
We’ve explored how porn can function as a coping strategy.
And I just gave you five practical tools to begin regulating your body in those difficult moments.

Now, let’s talk about the bigger picture:
How do you anchor all of this into a way of living that’s sustainable, meaningful, and aligned with who you actually want to be?

Because nervous system regulation isn’t just about avoiding porn.
It’s about creating safety from the inside out, so that you don’t need porn to manage your life anymore.

That’s where values come in.

When you know your values—when you can say with clarity:

“This is who I am and how I want to show up in the world,”
you begin to shift from just reacting to triggers…
to responding with purpose.

Let me give you an example:

Let’s say your body gets triggered—maybe by stress at work or conflict at home.
In the past, your nervous system might have pulled the fire alarm:

“This is too much! I need relief now!”
...and that would have led you to seek out porn.

But now, instead of going down that path, you use the tools we talked about:
You breathe.
You ground.
You orient.
You check in with your body.

And once you’re back in that place of safety and clarity, you can say:

“Okay… what matters most to me right now?”
“What’s the value I want to live in this moment?”

Maybe it’s:

* “I choose honesty over hiding.”

* “I choose connection over avoidance.”

* “I choose self-respect over momentary escape.”

Notice these aren’t rules or goals.
They’re values—statements of identity.

You’re not white-knuckling through urges.
You’re aligning with who you are becoming.

And this is really important—because values live in the present moment.
Not “someday when I’ve overcome this,”
but right now, in the middle of your mess, in the middle of your choices.


So here’s the long-term shift I want to offer you:

Instead of asking,

“How do I stop looking at porn?”
Ask,
“How do I build a life where I no longer need to?”

Not just by changing what you do,
but by changing how you relate to yourself—
with compassion, with awareness, and with purpose.

The more regulated your body is,
the more accessible your values become.

And the more you live your values,
the safer and more regulated your body becomes.

It’s a beautiful feedback loop—
a healing spiral upward.

🎙 Section 7: Wrap-Up & Call to Action


Alright, let’s bring this all together.

Today, we explored something that I think can truly change how you see yourself and your journey.

You learned that your urges to look at pornography might not be about weakness or lack of willpower—they might actually be your nervous system trying to regulate overwhelming emotions or sensations.
Trying to feel safe.
Trying to come back to something familiar… even if it’s not helpful long-term.

We walked through Polyvagal Theory, and how your body shifts between:

* Safe and social (when you're calm and connected),

* Fight or flight (when you're anxious or agitated), and

* Shutdown (when you feel numb, checked out, or hopeless).

And we looked at how porn can show up as a shortcut—one that works temporarily but keeps you from actually addressing the deeper need.

Then we gave you tools—simple, body-based tools—to help you regulate:

* Orienting

* Grounding

* Regulated breathing

* Movement and self-touch

* And curious reflection

And finally, we talked about how to make this more than just a momentary fix.
We talked about anchoring into your values—living from who you want to be, rather than just reacting to discomfort.

So here’s your invitation this week:

👉 When you feel the urge to look at porn… pause.

Don’t fight it.
Don’t shame it.
Don’t spiral.

Instead, ask:

“What state is my nervous system in right now?”

Then pick just one of the tools we talked about and use it—
Not perfectly. Not as a magic fix.
Just as a way to return to safety, and give yourself a better option.

And once you're grounded again, ask:

“What value do I want to live in this moment?”

That’s it. One pause. One breath. One small act of awareness.

That’s how transformation happens—moment by moment.

If you found today’s episode helpful and you want support in practicing these tools, or if you’re ready to build a values-based life beyond pornography, I’d love to work with you.

You can set up a free consultation at GetToThrive.com/workwithzach

You are not broken.
You are learning.
And you don’t have to do it alone.

Thanks for being here this week.
I’ll see you next time.