Stop Counting Days: Start Living with Emotional Integrity

Episod 308

🎙️ “You're Measuring the Wrong Thing”


Hey everybody, welcome back to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I’m your host, Zach Spafford — and if you’re new here, I just want to say welcome. This is the place where we stop making pornography the central problem in our lives and start building real change from the inside out — change that comes from choice, empowerment, and emotional ownership.

Today I want to talk about something that I think completely changes the game when it comes to moving beyond pornography. It’s something most of us get backwards — and it’s a huge reason why so many people get stuck in shame, discouragement, and all-or-nothing thinking.

Here’s the thing:


Most people are measuring the wrong thing.


We focus all our attention on “how many days it’s been” or “how often we slipped up.” We obsess over porn use like it’s the ultimate scoreboard. And if we have a viewing episode, it’s like we’ve lost the whole season.

But that’s not how real change works.


That’s not even a helpful measurement.


Because the truth is, pornography use is just a symptom of what’s happening internally emotionally and it’s the solution your brain is offering you, not THE problem. Just like a cough is the a symptom of a cold that is happening internally and solution your body offers to deal with the internal struggle to get the bugs out of your system.


What we really need to be tracking — the stat that actually drives success — is something deeper, and far more within our control than we often realize.

Today, I’m going to introduce you to a new way to measure progress.


It’s something I call your Emotional Integrity Percentage — and once you start focusing on that, instead of obsessing over porn free streaks, things start to shift. Shame starts to loosen its grip. You stop white-knuckling. You start building emotional strength and a solid sense of self so your brain doesn’t even need to offer you porn to deal with how you feel.

So stick with me — because in this episode, we’re going to talk about how to shift your focus, upgrade your scoreboard, and finally start seeing real progress. Let’s dive in.

🎙️ Section 2: The False Metric


Alright — let’s talk about what most of us are measuring when it comes to overcoming pornography.

If you're anything like I was — or like nearly every client I work with — you're probably keeping a mental scoreboard that sounds something like this:

“How many days has it been?”
“How often have I slipped up?”
“Am I still clean?”

And listen — I get it. That makes sense on the surface. It's tangible. It's trackable. It feels like something we can control. And honestly, it's what most programs and support groups teach you to focus on. Take for instance ARP groups that you might attend through your church, this is an AA style meeting where addiction is the model used. Sometimes they have chips or tokens that you get based on how long it’s been since you last viewed porn.

But here’s the problem: It’s the wrong thing to measure.

Focusing solely on whether or not you viewed pornography creates an all-or-nothing mindset. Either you’re “succeeding,” or you’re “failing.” Either you’re winning, or you’ve lost everything. It’s like saying that if I can just eliminate this cough, then I won’t have a cold.

That’s not only discouraging — it’s misleading. Because the truth is, you can go weeks without watching porn and still be emotionally avoidant, reactive, checked out, or suppressing what you really feel. You’re not dealing with the actual problem. 


You can hit a long streak, but still be miles away from actual emotional growth.

And then when you do use pornography, what happens?
You think:

“Well, that’s it. I failed. I’m back at square one.”


And all that shame starts creeping in. The self-doubt. The hopelessness.
You start thinking, “Why even try?”

And here's the worst part:
When we make pornography the thing we measure, we start thinking pornography is the problem.

But pornography isn’t the problem.


It’s the solution that our brain is offering us so we don’t have to deal with the real problem.


It’s the symptom of a deeper issue — usually the way we handle discomfort, the way we manage our emotions, and the stories we tell ourselves when things get hard.

So if you’re measuring success by how long it’s been, you’re only tracking the outcome. Not the process. Not the part that actually matters.

And that’s where today’s shift begins.

🎙️ Section 3: The Analogy – Baseball Stats


So what should we be measuring?

Let’s bring in a little analogy — because sometimes, a good visual helps us see the whole thing differently.

Imagine you're a baseball player.
And the only thing you’re tracking… is how many times you swing the bat.

Not whether you make contact.
Not whether you get on base.
Not whether you help your team win.

Just swings.

That would be ridiculous, right?


Because swinging doesn’t win games. Getting on base does.

A player could swing 100 times and never get a single hit. That doesn’t make them a good player — it probably means they’re impatient, chasing bad pitches, or out of rhythm.


And yet… this is exactly how most people track their progress with pornography.

“How many times did I mess up?”
“How long has it been since my last swing?”
“If I go 30 days without swinging, I must be winning.”

But just like in baseball, that number tells you nothing about whether you’re playing well.


It doesn’t show you if you’re learning.


It doesn’t show if you’re getting emotionally stronger.


It doesn’t tell you whether you’re aligned with your values or connected to your purpose.

So let’s switch that up.

Let’s measure your on-base percentage — or in this context, your Emotional Integrity Percentage.


That’s the stat that actually matters.


That’s what wins games.

It’s not about how many times you “swing and miss.”


It’s about how many times you show up, emotionally, and do the hard thing:

* Sit with discomfort.

* Own a tough feeling.

* Choose your values when escape feels easier.

That’s your version of getting on base.


That’s where the real growth happens.

So if you’ve been tracking “swings,” it’s time to upgrade your stat sheet.

🎙️ Section 4: The Real Metric – Emotional Integrity


Alright — let’s talk about what that better scoreboard actually looks like.

Again, we’re going to call it your Emotional Integrity Percentage.

This is the real metric that moves the needle. It’s the stat that tells you, not just whether you avoided pornography, but whether you’re actually managing yourself well — emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually.

Here’s the basic question I want you to ask yourself:

“What percentage of the time am I choosing to manage my emotions rather than escape, suppress, or avoid them?”

Because the real challenge — and the real victory — isn't about whether you viewed porn.
It's about how you handled the moments that came before that decision.

Did you let yourself feel loneliness instead of numbing it with a doom scrolling session?


Did you acknowledge and stay present with your stress instead of checking out?


Did you sit with your anxiety instead of immediately reaching for something to distract you?

Every time you choose to stay with your emotions — to feel them without fleeing — that’s the win we’re looking for.


That’s getting on base.

Now, to help you identify when you’re not doing that, I use a framework called Connect The DOTSS.
It stands for:

* Distraction – things like endless scrolling, bingeing, or busying yourself just to not feel.

* Opting Out – avoiding responsibilities, conversations, or decisions that feel uncomfortable.

* Thinking – overanalyzing, rationalizing, or getting stuck in your head instead of feeling.

* Substances & Self-Harm – anything from porn to alcohol to more extreme forms of numbing.

* Social Strategies – isolating or manipulating social interactions to avoid emotional vulnerability.

These are all escape routes. They’re ways we try to control or suppress discomfort — and most of the time, they’re what lead us toward pornography use.

But here’s the beauty:
Once you start seeing these for what they are — emotional avoidance strategies — you can start choosing differently.
You can start noticing instead of reacting.
Choosing instead of escaping.
Feeling instead of fleeing.

.
You’re not going to bat: 1000

But just like in baseball, every time you get on base, you increase your chance of scoring.
Every time you manage your emotions well — even for a moment — you’re building mastery.

So don’t track streaks.
Track self-awareness.
Track emotional integrity.
That’s how real, lasting change happens.

🎙️ Section 5: Shifting the Scoreboard


So now that you’ve got a clearer picture of what you should be measuring — let’s talk about what actually changes when you make this shift.

When you stop counting streaks and start measuring emotional integrity, here’s what happens:

First — you reduce shame.
When your only metric is “Did I use porn or not?” you turn every viewing episode into a total collapse.
You tie your worth to your behavior.
You see failure instead of feedback.

But when your focus is on emotional management — on how often you face your feelings instead of fleeing from them — then even those tough moments become data.
Not defeats.
Not death sentences.


Just information.

Then you can ask meaningful questions that get to the heart of the issue.

“What was I avoiding in that moment?”
“What emotion did I not want to feel?”
“What could I try next time to stay with that feeling instead of escaping it?”

“Why was I feeling the way I did?”

That’s a mindset rooted in growth and self discovery, not guilt.

Second — you build psychological flexibility.
This is one of the core skills I teach in my course, and it’s foundational to lasting change.


When you practice noticing your emotions, choosing values-based actions, and making room for discomfort — even in small doses — you build the emotional muscle that leads to resilience.

It’s like working out.


Every time you stay present instead of running, you’re getting stronger.


Even if you still fall sometimes — you’re building capacity.

And third — you become more empowered.


You stop seeing yourself as someone who’s “just trying not to relapse.”


You start becoming someone who lives in alignment with your sense of self and your values.


You start becoming Someone who believes,

“I can do hard things. I can feel hard things. I can choose how I respond.”

That’s the real victory here.


That’s the shift that changes lives.

So I want to encourage you:


Start paying attention this week.


Not to how many days you’ve gone without porn…


But to how often you’re showing up for yourself — emotionally, honestly, and courageously.

Even if it’s just once a day.


Even if it’s just for five seconds.


That’s a win.

🎙️ Section 6: Takeaways + Call to Action


Alright, let’s land the plane here.

If you remember nothing else from today’s episode, remember this:

Measuring the right thing is essential and the right thing to measure is how well you’re living in emotional integrity.

Pornography use isn’t the problem. It’s the result of a deeper issue — usually emotional avoidance.


And counting how often you view porn doesn’t tell you if you’re growing.


It just tells you whether you’re white-knuckling or not.

But when you start measuring your Emotional Integrity Percentage —
when you start asking:

“How often am I facing my feelings instead of fleeing from them?”


That’s when real change begins.

Because emotional integrity is where confidence lives.


It’s where mastery begins.


And it’s what actually leads to long-term success.

So here’s your challenge this week:

For the next 7 days, I want you to track one simple thing —
“Did I stay with my emotions today, or did I escape?”

That’s it.

You can even rate yourself at the end of each day:

On a scale from 0 to 100, how well did I move through and stay with my emotions today — without distraction, suppression, or avoidance?

You don’t have to be perfect.


You don’t have to have a clean streak.


You just have to start paying attention.

Because the moment you start noticing — the moment you start being honest with yourself — that’s the moment you stop being a slave to your urges and start becoming a leader in your life.

And I’d love to hear how it goes.

Shoot me a message on Instagram [@ThriveBeyondPorxography]
Or send me an email at zach@zachspafford.com


Let me know what shows up for you when you shift the metric. I read every message — and I’d love to hear what you’re learning.

Also — if you’re ready to go deeper into this kind of work, you can learn more about the course at zachspafford.com, or sign up for a consultation where we’ll talk through where you’re stuck and exactly what to do next.

🎙️ Section 7: Closing


Alright my friends — that’s it for today’s episode.

If this hit home for you, if you’re realizing that you’ve been tracking the wrong things and judging yourself by the wrong scoreboard, just know — you’re not alone.


And you’re not broken.


You’re learning.


You’re building.


And every time you choose to manage your emotions instead of escaping them, you are becoming the person you want to be.

That is how you thrive beyond pornography.


Not by being perfect — but by showing up, feeling what’s real, and choosing your values one moment at a time.

If you haven’t already, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss next week’s episode.

Thanks again for listening.


And as always — if this was helpful, share it with someone who needs it.


Shoot me a message on Instagram [@ThriveBeyondPorxography], or email me at zach@zachspafford.com. I’d love to hear what you’re learning, what’s shifting, and how I can help.

Until next time —
I’m Zach Spafford, and this is Thrive Beyond Pornography.