Redefining Integrity: How to Stay True to Your Values Amid Struggle
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Transcript
### Episode 289
#### [:**Zach Spafford:** Hey, everyone! Welcome back to *Thrive Beyond Pornography.* Today, we're tackling a question that weighs on many men:
*"Can I be a man of integrity if I'm not perfect in my porn struggle?"*
If you've ever thought, *"How can I call myself a man of integrity when I still struggle?"* or *"If my spouse knew everything, would she still trust me?"*—you're not alone.
Here’s the truth: Integrity isn’t perfection. It’s wholeness. It’s being the kind of person you expect yourself to be—someone you can be proud of, even when you make mistakes.
Many of us grew up believing integrity meant never failing. That one mistake erased all the good we had done, making us irredeemable. But that definition is broken.
Believing that failure cancels out everything good makes integrity impossible. Real integrity isn’t about flawlessness. It’s about alignment—living in a way where your values match your actions, even when no one is watching.
Being a man of integrity requires more than perfection. It demands vulnerability and openness, even when it’s painful.
At its core, integrity means:
1. Being honest about who you are.
2. Taking responsibility for your choices.
3. Actively aligning your life with your values.
Struggling doesn’t disqualify you from being a man of integrity. Hiding does.
The true measure of integrity isn’t whether you never struggle. It’s how you respond when you do.
### Three Questions to Assess Your Integrity
1. **Do you own your actions, or do you hide them?**
2. **Do you learn from setbacks, or do you ignore them?**
Ignoring setbacks is common. I see it often. I ask people, *"What was happening in the 30 minutes before you viewed pornography?"* and they say, *"I don’t remember."* But that space holds crucial information. If you ignore it, you miss key insights that could help you understand and change your behavior.
3. **Do you keep moving forward, or do you let shame convince you to give up?**
Many people fall into shame-based cycles. They view pornography, then binge, thinking, *"I already messed up, so I might as well keep going until I feel bad enough to stop."* Or they justify continuing with, *"Well, I already saw something, so I might as well go all the way."*
That mindset is driven by shame, not progress. A man of integrity doesn’t wait until he stops struggling to claim integrity. Instead, he builds integrity by showing up, being honest, and staying committed to his values—even in the middle of the struggle.
### Honesty and Your Spouse
Being honest doesn’t mean dumping every thought, fear, or failure onto your wife. She’s not your confessional. She’s your partner, not your accountability group.
She needs to know the truth, but honesty isn’t about offloading guilt onto her. It’s about taking responsibility for your growth.
Honesty strengthens trust, but how you handle honesty matters. If I went to my wife, Darcy, and said, *"Hey, I’m struggling with temptations. Will you have sex with me?"*—that wouldn’t be integrity. That would be me shifting my internal struggles onto her.
Instead, integrity means saying, *"I’ve been struggling, and here’s how I’m handling it."* It’s about transparency without placing the burden on her to fix the problem.
### Integrity Means Realistic Commitments
Integrity isn’t just about honesty. It’s about making realistic commitments. A promise you can’t keep isn’t integrity—it’s wishful thinking.
I’ve had countless conversations with men who, in moments of guilt and shame, tell their wives, *"I’ll never look at porn again."*
But if you don’t have the skills, habits, or support to back that up, that promise isn’t integrated. It’s hopeful—but not realistic. A man of integrity doesn’t make empty vows.
Instead of saying, *"I’ll never do this again,"* try:
*"I’m committed to overcoming this. I know I’ll struggle, but I’ll be honest about it, learn from it, and keep moving forward."*
That kind of honesty builds real trust because it’s grounded in reality—not in fear of losing someone’s approval.
Your job isn’t to promise perfection. It’s to show real effort, real progress, and real integrity in how you handle setbacks.
### Integrity: The Same in Public and Private
Integrity means being whole—not divided between who you are in public and who you are alone.
Your spouse needs to know that the man she sees is real. That he isn’t performing. That the way you speak, act, and make choices with her is the same as when no one is watching.
Trust isn’t built on never failing. It’s built on honesty, consistency, and effort.
Your wife doesn’t need a flawless man. She needs a real one.
### The "Presented Self" vs. True Integrity
We all have a *presented self*—the version of ourselves we show others. At work, we present a competent, reliable, professional image. It’s useful, but it’s not *us* in every setting.
In marriage, integrity isn’t about presenting a polished version of yourself. It’s about sharing your whole self with your spouse. That level of openness requires vulnerability, which is difficult and scary.
Many of us avoid vulnerability at all costs. But true intimacy—the kind that deepens trust—requires offering another person the power to reject us. That’s why it’s so hard.
### Overcoming Shame
One of the biggest barriers to integrity is shame.
Shame tells us:
*"Because I struggle, I’m unworthy. I’m broken. I can’t be trusted. If people knew the real me, they’d reject me."*
Shame isolates. It convinces us that unless we fix ourselves completely, we don’t deserve respect, love, or belonging.
But integrity isn’t about never failing. It’s about not hiding.
Your next step isn’t to be perfect. It’s to be real about who you are and what you can do.
### The Key Shift: Integrity Leads to Change
Many men believe: *"To be a man of integrity, I must first solve my porn struggle."*
I disagree. I believe: *"To solve my porn struggle, I must first become a man of integrity."*
When you commit to integrity—being honest, learning from mistakes, and taking responsibility—you accelerate your progress.
When you do this, you reach a place where porn loses its grip. You realize, *"I don’t need porn. It doesn’t solve anything. It’s just a bandaid. The real solution is becoming more integrated."*
### Take the Next Step
If you need help figuring out *how* to become more integrated—how to become the person you expect yourself to be—set up a free consult at [GetToThrive.com/workwithZach](https://GetToThrive.com/workwithZach). I’d love to meet with you, go over these skills, and help you move in the right direction.
All right, my friends. I hope this has been helpful. Have a great week, and I’ll talk to you next time!
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