From Powerless to Empowered: Shifting the Beliefs Behind Porn Struggles

Episode 290

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Zach Spafford: Hey everybody. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. If you're here, I want you to know you're not alone. You are not broken. And you can absolutely create a life and relationships you truly want without pornography.

Today, I wanna talk about something that we often don't even realize is shaping our actions and that's our beliefs.

For a long time, I believe that I was an addict, and maybe you've had that thought too.

Whether or not it's true. Isn't actually the point.

What matters is how that belief shaped my behavior and how it created shame, anxiety, and a sense of helplessness.

And it's not just the belief itself that has power. It's also how we talk about that belief, how we label ourselves, how we describe our struggles, and how we interpret our experiences. Those can all deepen the emotional responses that we have to these beliefs.

When we say things like, "I'm broken," "I'll never get past this," or "this always happens," we reinforce a narrative that keeps us stuck.

Language matters. It becomes the lens through which we see ourselves and the script that we follow in our actions when that script is full of judgment and fear. It's no wonder we struggle to move forward.

Beliefs are powerful. They can drive us forward or they can keep us stuck.

So today I wanna take a look at three beliefs that might be holding you back and how you can begin to challenge them.

Belief number one, "porn is bad and addictive."

Now you're sitting there going, yep, that's true. That's a hundred percent right.

You might even be thinking, "well, of course it's bad. Of course it's addictive. That's what I've always believed. That's what I've been taught by people I trust."

But I want you to pause and ask yourself, how do I feel when I believe this?

Most of us feel afraid, anxious, ashamed and powerless, and those feelings actually keep the struggle alive. Those feelings keep us from addressing the underlying struggle and, and they drive us to distance ourselves from our behavior and our thoughts when those behaviors and thoughts are the very key to solving this problem.

So, here's a question I like to ask when I'm faced with some of these built-in ideas. *"Can I think about this in a way that's more true and less emotionally charged?"* I want you to hear that question again because it, it's a really important question.

Zach Spafford: "Can I think about this in a way that's more true and less emotionally charged?"

So for instance, one of the examples I often use with people is: "Porn is not good, it's not bad." And there are a thousand people out there that you could find that would say, "porn's great." And there are a thousand people out there that you could find that would say, "porn is is terrible."

It's bad. It's gonna destroy your life. Right? The only thing that those two groups of people will agree on is that porn is, porn exists.

And if that's something, if you know, if we can just sit there, if we can stop there and use that as the truth, because it is more true and it is absolutely true to everybody. Then we can use that to get somewhere amazing. Which is to this idea that you can decide. I can decide whether I want porn in my life. "Porn exists, and I can decide whether I want porn in my life."

Now, good news is right. We don't have to change our belief structure to believe this.

This doesn't go against our values. In fact, it sits right alongside of our values. I get to decide. I have agency.

And I want you to understand this idea, this framework holds less shame. It invites choice and it opens the door to acting from your values and not from fear.

When I adopted the mindset that "I prefer intimacy over pornography," it created calm, it gave me clarity, and from that place it was easier to make empowered choices.

Let's take a look at belief number two. Looking at pornography is inevitable, so I might as well give in. This is one that comes up pretty regularly for clients, especially if they have done a lot of fighting against their pornography use.

If they have done, you know, some white knuckling it as they call it, or if they are in that place where they, they feel like I have, I either have to fight this all day or. Or if I give in, it'll just be easier and I can move on with my day. So this is, this is in that same vein, and I think this is a pretty sneaky belief because it often shows up in moments of stress or fatigue and your brain says, well what's the point?

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If, say your partner were to walk in the room with you, if somebody walked in the room, would you like, you know, would you still look at porn or if all of your devices were gone, let's say for whatever reason you, you know, you're out on a mountain, I. And there are no devices around. Is it inevitable then if you were surrounded by people, if just like you were in a, you know, subway car or on the bus or in the mall, if you were surrounded by people, people, would you actually start looking at porn?

And I think the answer for most people is probably not. So it's not a law of nature that porn is inevitable. It's just a thought, it's just a belief that kind of takes over us. And thoughts aren't facts. They are what we might believe, but they're not necessarily true.

And you have a responsibility, the ability to choose your response. And the more you practice questioning these beliefs before acting on them, the more likely you are to build that responsibility, that capacity to choose based on your values.

So again, you, you might be seeing a theme here, but. I wanna empower you by giving you new ways of thinking about the things that you're already thinking about. Alright?

In fact, let's talk about empowerment directly. Belief number three. "I'm powerless against porn." This is a big one. This is reinforced by addiction models, 12 step language.

You've probably been to a meeting where somebody said, hi, my name is Zach and I'm an addict. And then you read from the big book and it says, "we were powerless against our addiction."

And maybe even our own desire to explain why we keep doing this thing that doesn't align with who we wanna be, helps us reinforce this idea that we are powerless against our addiction.

And I want you to ask yourself, what's the value in believing that you're powerless? I. I think for most of us, it gives us the ability to escape responsibility.

It helps us preserve a positive self-image when we've made choices that don't actually align with our values.

Here's the problem with that idea. If you believe you're powerless, you give your power away. in this case, you're giving it away to porn. And when you start believing, "I choose to do what I do, even if I sometimes choose poorly, I'm not powerless. "

And when I started believing, "I choose what I do, even if sometimes I choose poorly, I am not powerless."

I gained my agency back. I became responsible. Not in a guilt heavy way, but in an empowered and truth aligned way.

And I want you to recognize that each of these different categories, each of these different belief structures gave us a thought that allowed us to be disempowered and not responsible for our behavior.

And each of the new ways that we're thinking about. It didn't change the facts on the ground. Didn't, you know, it wasn't a groundbreaking thought.

It wasn't like, "oh, I have this new way of thinking about porn that makes porn just disappear." It doesn't do that. All it does, and all that's happening for us is that we re-empower ourselves so that we can work to learn the skills and do the thing that aligns with our values.

So what can you do today? Let me offer you three simple questions. Use them whenever these thoughts show up, that increase anxiety or make you feel stuck.

Number one, can I think about this in a way that's more true?

Number two, is that actually true or is this actually true?

And number three, what's the value in believing this thought? Why do I believe this? And what's the value in believing it?

Use these like flashlights to explore the corners of your mind. I want you to get curious. The more curious you are, the more likely you are to succeed in this process.

These are not gonna fix everything overnight. That's the truth. That's reality. But they will start to help you unravel the stories that are keeping you stuck.

Listen, none of this is about denying reality or pretending porn isn't a struggle. It's about changing the frame so that you can respond from your values instead of reacting from a position of fear.

You don't have to hate porn to decide it's just not for you.

You don't have to be powerless to justify your past choices.

And you don't have to follow every thought your brain offers you.

You get to be the one who chooses. So I want you to ask yourself what kind of life do you want to create?

And what beliefs support that life? And I want you to get calm and clear and ask yourself these questions in a powerful way that allows you to start delineating a new way of thinking.

And if today's episode helped you shift your thinking, I'd love to hear from you. Email me or join the conversation online at Instagram, and if you are ready to dig deeper into these kinds of shifts, sign up for a free consultation at GetToThrive.com/workwithzach. We'll talk about what's holding you back and how you can move forward with confidence.

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