The Pause That Changes Everything: How to Interrupt the Detour Cycle Before It Hijacks Your Peace

episode 291

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Zach Spafford: Hey everybody. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford, and I'm glad you're here. Whether you've been with us for a while or this is your first episode, I want you to know this space is all about growth, empowerment, and becoming the kind of person you want to be, not just in relation to pornography, but in every area of your life.

Today we're diving into a concept that's simple, but I think it's incredibly powerful, The Pause.

But before we go there, let's zoom out for a second and recap something you've probably heard me talk about before on the podcast, The Detour Cycle

The Detour Cycle is the process that we move through when we engage in behavior that doesn't align. With our values, and it starts with the narrative onset. A difficult or painful story that your mind offers you about yourself, your situation, or maybe even your future or your past. That's then followed by the emotional catalyst - which is a feeling like shame, fear, stress, or rejection.

Then comes the escape offer -which is an urge to avoid the discomfort.

Next rationalized bargaining. Those are the justifying thoughts that make it feel a little bit more okay to go against our values, to move in that direction of being in a position of going against our values.

And finally, we end up with the values breach, which is the choice that takes us away from being. The person that we wanna be. Now, today's episode is all about interrupting that cycle before it takes you somewhere you don't want to go. And we're gonna talk about what it looks like to pause, which is to stop in the middle of the storm, take a breath and choose differently.

And here's what I really wanna highlight upfront. It's important to recognize this is done from a place of calm centered action, not avoidance.

And spouses, you can participate in this work as well because whether you're dealing with urges or you're wrestling with the emotional aftermath of your spouse, viewing pornography, or telling you about what's going on inside their minds, The Detour Cycle could show up in both of your lives.

Learning to pause in those moments before the story takes over, before the emotion hijacks your peace. That's where everything starts to shift. If you've ever thought, why do I keep doing exactly what I said, I wouldn't? Or if you've ever felt the weight of mistrust, anxiety, or grief pulling you into old, unhelpful, unwanted patterns, this episode is for you.

Let's start by talking about what we mean by the pause. When I say pause, I'm not talking about just stopping what you're doing. This isn't about white knuckling your way through something or distracting yourself from it. The pause is a moment of conscious awareness.

It's the second where you notice something is happening here. I'm not going to go on autopilot. I'm going to check in instead of checkout.

Zach Spafford: This moment, even though it can feel small or subtle, is actually incredibly powerful because it gives you a choice.

Before you even get to the pause, though, we have to recognize that we're being pulled into The Detour Cycle.

If you've been around here a while, you know The Detour Cycle is the process we go through when we end up engaging in a behavior that doesn't line up with our values, like viewing pornography or shutting down emotionally or lashing out, or excessive shopping, all of those things.

This first step in that cycle is called. The narrative onset, and that's usually your first cue that a pause might be necessary. Most of us don't see this unless we're really paying attention, so I don't want you to feel like, oh, I should know this, I should be able to see it.

No, don't worry about it. What I want you to do is once you get more and more practice at it, you'll start to see this, but I, I just want to teach you what it is so you can be aware.

Now, this is where the story shows up in your mind, and it might sound like "I'm broken. I'm never gonna change. What's the point of trying?"

Or for a spouse, the story might sound like, "he's doing it again. I can't trust him. I'm all alone in this." And these stories come in fast and they feel really true in the moment. But the truth is that they're just that. Stories. They're narratives, your brain is offering you based on the past experiences you've had, pain, fear, or shame that you've experienced.

Zach Spafford: And here's the thing, that story is usually followed closely by something I call The Emotional Catalyst and this is the feeling that fuels the urge to escape. Things like stress, rejection, anxiety, shame, or for a spouse feelings tied to feeling betrayed or shame, or. Anxiety or guilt or grief or even hopelessness.

So there's a lot of emotions here, and this is your second cue. If you're feeling these emotions and and a narrative is running in your head that pulls you away from your values, that's your signal. It's time to pause.

Zach Spafford: And here's what it might look like for someone who's struggling with pornography. You've had a rough day. Maybe work was overwhelming. Maybe there's tension in your relationship. You're alone and you feel shame starts to rise and then you look backward and there's a story underlying it. "This is just who I am. I can't fix this." That's the narrative onset and the emotion that shame, maybe even loneliness. That's the emotional catalyst, and this is the moment where you can pause.

Not to suppress the emotion, but to become aware of what's happening. And for a spouse, here's how that might show up as well. Maybe your husband is withdrawn, maybe you notice he's quiet, maybe a little bit distant, and that ache shows up in your chest and that story starts, "oh, I knew it. He's back at it." Or maybe, "I'm alone in this again." And you feel maybe fear or anger. Possibly heartbreak. This is where a pause can protect your peace and empower your next step.

Because here's the deal, if you can notice, you can pause, and if you can pause, you can choose.

And if you can choose, you can start creating a life that aligns with your values even in the hardest moments.

I want you to recognize that for most people, pausing here is going to start creating an enormous amount of value, but most people don't recognize these two steps.

The third step, the step after this, which is the escape offer. That's the place where we often recognize that we are. In The Detour Cycle the most.

If you're not practiced at recognizing your emotional catalyst and your narrative onsets, then the most likely place that you're gonna recognize you're in The Detour Cycle. Is when your brain offers you an escape. We call that the temptation. We call that the urge, whatever you call it.

Whatever, however you think about it, what you wanna do is all the same stuff. You want to start looking at pausing and taking a step back so you can watch this more closely.

And here's what a pause looks like in real life. Now that we've talked about recognizing the need for a pause, let's talk about what it actually looks like to do it.

The pause isn't just a moment of stopping. It's a deliberate act of creating space. And inside that space, we're not trying to fix the feeling, deny the story, or argue with reality, right? These are all things that we've tried. We're simply choosing to respond with intention instead of react from fear, pain, or habit.

Let me walk you through three core tools that you can use to pause. And these are practices that are simple but incredibly powerful when used consistently.

Number one grounding practice. And this is a sensory check-in.

This is a tool that helps you, helps bring you out of your head and into your body, and it interrupts that mental loop by anchoring you in the present moment. And here's how that works. And you can write these down. I highly recommend you write these down as you as you're listening, because these are gonna be very helpful if you will practice them

First, name five things you can see. Name four things you can touch. Name three things you can hear. Name two things you can smell. Name one thing you can taste. It's not about doing it perfectly, it's about engaging your senses so your mind can settle.

And here's an example of what that looks like. So let's say you're a man who notices the cycle starting.

You just got home, you're stressed. That old story of, "I deserve a break, starts to creep in." And maybe you feel the urge to isolate or seek out a quick escape. This is the moment. And your brain might be offering you, "Hey, let's go check this out. Let's go look at that. Let's go find out about this thing."

Right? Instead of following that urge you, you pause, you take 90 seconds to get grounded, right? So th that's what this would look like. I see my shoes, my phone, the lamp, the couch. The calendar on the wall and you keep going, engaging each sense, and your nervous system slows down. Your awareness sharpens and you've created just enough space to choose based on your values, to move in the direction of your values.

So real quickly, I'm gonna say these again. Name five things you can see, name four things you can touch. Name three things you can hear. Name two things you can smell and name one thing you can taste. That's the sensory check-in for grounding.

All right. Number two here. We're gonna take a pause in a slightly different way. Self-compassion. I want you to use this as a script if you need to. This is one of the most underrated skills in this entire process, and most of us, default to criticism. "You're weak. You should be past this. You should be better than this. I can't believe this is happening. Again, you shouldn't even have these thoughts." Right?

But here's the truth. Shame never fuels growth. Compassion does. So when emotions rise and the story kicks in, try saying something like, "this is a moment of difficulty. It's okay to feel what I'm feeling. It's okay to have these thoughts. I can choose how to respond to them."

I. I want you to recognize this is not coddling yourself. This is not you being like, oh, you're so sweet. I, you don't have any problems. You're a good baby boy. Right? That's not what we're doing here. This is taking responsibility for what's actually happening and being kind while doing it.

It's giving yourself permission to be a human and to act from your values. So let's give, so let me give you an example of what this might look like. Your wife hears a comment that hits hard.

Maybe it's a joke or something that feels like a pattern returning and the story starts, " he's never really gonna change." And then you get that swell of emotion. Maybe there's anger or fear or sadness there. And here comes the pause. And you, if you are the wife listening to this, you, you can stop, you can take a deep breath and you can quietly say.

"This hurts and I can feel it without becoming it. I don't have to react from this place. I can respond from who I want to be" And that's the power of compassion. Not as a soft cop out. But as a way to get back to a clarity and a strength that allows you to engage your relationship from an honest, open place. Okay?

Number three, your values are your true north, and I want you to anchor yourself with your values. They don't change in crisis.

They become more essential in crisis. So when you pause, one of the most empowering things you can ever do is reconnect with a core value. So ask yourself. What do I wanna stand for right now? Who do I want to be in this moment and what matters most to me here?

So lemme give you an example of this in action.

As the husband you might be feeling a narrative hitting, "I'm just gonna fail again. You know, it's inevitable, it's just gonna come on." And then you feel this shame, but instead of escaping, you pause and you ask, "what's one value that I can honor right now?" Maybe that answer is honesty.

And so instead of lying to yourself and saying, "oh, well, it's inevitable." You can reach out and say to your spouse or somebody close to you, "I'm struggling right now. I just wanna be real about that. Let me tell you what's going on for me."

That's integrity in action. And when I say integrity, what I mean is the person you are when you're alone with yourself is integrated with the external person that you bring to the conversations outside of yourself with the external person that you show to other people.

Now a wife in a moment of pain might anchor in self-respect. So instead of numbing or lashing out, you might choose to breathe, maybe step outside, text a text your spouse, "Hey, this is what's going on for me. I'm going to take a break from this, but I want to come back to this conversation this evening."

Zach Spafford: Because your peace is worth protecting and your values are worth living even in the hard moments.

And here's the key takeaway.

You are not fixing the feeling. You're creating space to choose what happens next.

The feelings are gonna come and they're gonna go through you, and they're gonna exist, and you don't have to do anything about them. You don't have to be ruled by fear or shame. You can choose what you do next, and you don't have to let that narrative that used to happen define your next step.

You have the power to pause, and in that pause you begin to reshape your story.

I wanna talk about the power in shared pausing, and if we take this idea a step further, what happens when both partners are using the pause? What happens when this isn't just an individual practice, but something that you're building into the culture of your relationship? Here's what I've seen over and over when two people both understand and honor the power of the pause, healing doesn't just happen faster, it happens deeper because now you're not just reacting to each other's pain or.

Or defensiveness, you're recognizing we're in something hard right now and we each need a little space to come back to who we want to be before we try to fix anything.

And I think this changes so much in the conversation. One of the simplest tools I've seen couples use is just this phrase, "Hey, I think I need to pause here." It's super simple, right? "Hey, I think I need to pause here."

That's it. It's not blaming, it's not withdrawing, it's not shutting down. It's naming what's happening. "I'm feeling myself getting pulled into a cycle" and asking for space so you can come back to the conversation from a position of honest, calm, centered values. Not from fear, not from whatever emotion is trying to drag you in this direction or the other.

It's permission to breathe, not battle.

So, what does it look like to support each other in that space? Well, maybe one person steps outside for a few minutes to breathe. Maybe they go journal about what they're feeling. Maybe they text a person and say, "Hey, I'm in a moment and I'm trying to choose better."

Meanwhile, the other person honors that pause, and I think this is really important because it is this space where we start to honor the individual rather than trying to make that person conform to the relationship. And this is without pressure, it's without assumption, it's with compassion.

And that might mean saying, "okay, take the time you need. I'll be here. I'll be ready when you're ready." Or "Hey, can we do this tonight?" what that might mean is pausing your own response as well. Resisting the urge to chase down closure or push for reassurance before your partner's ready to have that conversation.

That kind of mutual respect creates safety. It tells your partner, "you are not required to perform or pretend. You're allowed to feel what you feel and you're still gonna be loved. I love you." Right? That's what intimacy looks like, and it's not perfect communication, but it's courageous compassion. Even in the tension.

And I wanna be really clear here about something needing space is not weakness.

It's not avoidance, it's not a lack of commitment, it's a strength and its emotional maturity. It's a sign that you're no longer letting old patterns run the show, because when the old story starts in saying, "Hey, this is spiraling," or "you're being abandoned," or "nothing's ever going to change."

The pause is where you say, "Nope, I'm not gonna react from that place. I'm going to respond from who I want to be."

So, whether you are the one who's struggling with pornography, or you're the one who's felt the weight of the struggle as a spouse, this pause when done together, becomes a bridge.

It builds trust. It slows the storm and it gives both of you the chance to come back together with clarity, compassion, and commitment to healing and not just surviving.

So what happens after the pause? And we've talked about why to pause, and we've talked about how to pause. Now let's talk about what happens after the pause.

This is where real empowerment is built. Because what you do after the pause, that is where you start writing a new story. When you pause, you open up a gap between stimulus and response, and in that gap you get to choose who do I wanna be in this moment?

That choice may not feel huge or dramatic, and it may look like sending a vulnerable text instead of going silent. It may look like sitting with discomfort for five minutes instead of avoiding it.

It may be simply saying, "I need connection right now," or, "I'm struggling, but I'm staying with it."

Make no mistake, these choices are massive because they're values-based choices, and if you keep making them, you're going to start to see the results.

Because they're not about what you're trying to escape. They're about who you're becoming.

So after the pause, you can reconnect with your values. Maybe that's peace. Maybe that's truth. Maybe that's love. Maybe that's honesty or commitment. Whatever it is, when you return to your values, after the pause, you reorient yourself to what really matters most.

And from that place, you can reengage with clarity instead of reactivity.

You don't have to fix everything in that moment. You just have to take the next step. And try to make that step in the right direction, which is the direction of who you wanna be. And over time, this builds something really, really important.

Something that I talk about a lot in this work with the clients that I work with, whether that's in my open coaching calls or the individual calls or the couple's calls, and that is psychological flexibility. That's the ability to hold discomfort without being controlled by it, to experience hard emotions, difficult thoughts, and even pain without immediately needing to avoid suppress or numb it.

And this also builds trust, not just within yourself, but within your relationships.

You can begin to trust that you can handle what's hard. You can begin to trust that you can stay aligned with your values, even when old patterns show up, and that creates something powerful. Which is something that I think we are all striving for, but we very rarely find, which is internal peace. Not because life's easy, but because you are becoming steady.

So I wanna leave you with this one question. What's one moment today where I can pause instead of pushing on through autopilot? It doesn't have to be dramatic. Maybe it's when you feel a flash of shame. Maybe it's when a conversation gets tense. Maybe it's when you're scrolling or zoning out and you feel that subtle tug that you wanna kind of move off into a certain direction.

Find one moment, pause, breathe, choose. That's how change happens. One pause, one choice. One moment at a time.

Let me bring all this together for you and I think this is the big takeaway here. The pause is where transformation begins.

Not the giant breakthrough, not a perfect streak. The pause, that small moment where you step out of autopilot and reconnect with who you actually want to be. And it's not always easy. It doesn't always feel natural at first. It is a skill and like any skill, it gets stronger with practice, not perfection.

You won't always catch it in time. You won't always know what to do next. And that is all okay. The goal isn't to be flawless, it's to stay engaged in the process.

Keep noticing, pausing and choosing.

And if you wanna dive deeper into using moments of struggle as momentum, I want you to go check out episode 237. It's all about how to use mistakes as data instead of seeing them as failures. It pairs really well with today's topic. And if you're ready for more personalized support, whether you're just getting started or you've been working at this for a while, sign up for free consult at GetToThrive.com/workwithZach. We'll talk about your current patterns, your goals, and how to create a path forward that's sustainable and empowering.

Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this work, not just for you, but for the people you love and the life that you wanna build.

Zach Spafford: You're not broken, you just need to take a pause. All right, my friends, I'll talk to you next week.