The Drift: What to Do When You Feel Pulled Toward Porn

🎧 Exploring the Drift
“Hey everyone, welcome back to Thrive Beyond Pornography, I’m your host Zach Spafford—and today we’re diving into something that almost everyone who struggles with porn has felt but might not have words for: the drift.

You know that moment after your brain tosses out the idea of porn—the escape offer—and even though you know it’s not where you want to go, you start to feel yourself being pulled toward it anyway. You’re not all-in, you’re not completely checked out—but there’s this weird in-between space. A kind of fog. Your values are still there, quietly trying to get your attention, but your agency—the part of you that usually takes action and makes choices—feels like it’s slipping away.

In this episode, I want to break down what’s happening in that space. Why does it feel like we’re losing control? What’s going on in our brains during that drift? And most importantly—what can we do in those moments to gently take the wheel back, even just a little?

We’ll also talk about how this ‘drift’ fits into the Detour Cycle, the framework I teach to help people understand the real path that leads them away from their values and into behaviors that don’t serve them. Because this moment—the drift—it’s not the beginning of the story, and it’s not the end. But it is one of the most important places to start paying attention.

Here’s what I want you to hear more than anything else today: if you’ve felt this drift—this slow slide toward porn where you know it’s not what you want but you feel like you’re losing your grip—you are not broken.

That moment isn’t proof that you’re weak. It’s not some kind of moral failing. It’s not confirmation that you’ll never change. It’s actually something much more hopeful: it’s data.

🧭: You’re Not Broken

What you’re experiencing in that moment is your brain trying to automate relief. It’s running a pattern it’s learned over time, and it’s offering you what it knows has worked in the past to numb, distract, or soothe. That drift? That’s just the program running.

And here’s the powerful truth—you can learn to interrupt that pattern. You can start to recognize the drift as it’s happening and choose something different. Not perfectly. Not every time. But one small move at a time.

And those small moves? They add up. They are how you reclaim your agency. They are how you learn to trust yourself again. This isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about building awareness, building skills, and walking back toward your values—no matter how far you feel like you’ve gone.

You don’t have to wait until you’ve ‘won’ the whole battle. The drift itself can be a place of learning, growth, and real, meaningful change.”

🎙 : The Drift as a Lived Experience

So let’s talk about what the drift actually feels like—because naming it and understanding it is one of the most important steps in reclaiming agency. In The Detour Cycle, the Drift happens as part of the Escape Offer and Rationalized Bargaining. These two steps, are where we begin to step out of our conscious, grounded self and step into what seems like an alternate reality.

Imagine you’re going about your day, maybe you're a little tired, maybe you're feeling a bit off emotionally, maybe it’s late and you don’t feel like going to bed. Something happens—a flash of stress, boredom, maybe even just a little sensation of discomfort. And then your brain offers it… that idea.

‘What if we just checked for a second?’
‘You’ve had a good streak—you could take a break.’
‘You deserve a little escape.’

That’s what I call the Escape Offer. It’s that moment when your brain says, ‘Hey, here’s something that could help you feel better right now.’

And it’s so subtle. It might come as a mental image. A phrase. A memory. A suggestion. And from there… the drift begins.

It’s like you start to quietly separate from your values. Not in a dramatic way—but almost like stepping onto a moving sidewalk that’s headed somewhere you don’t really want to go.

You might hear yourself think:

“I shouldn’t do this…”
“I can’t believe I’m doing this again…”
“I feel like I’m not even driving the car anymore…”

It’s this strange in-between space. You haven’t completely surrendered, but you’re no longer fully fully present and grounded either. You’re hovering somewhere in the middle—watching yourself get pulled toward something you don’t want to consciously choose, but if you stay here long enough it will feel like someone else is choosing this and you have no say in it.

It can feel like you’re outside yourself. Like you’re observing it all happen, but your hands are off the wheel.

And for a lot of people, that moment is filled with shame. They think, ‘Why can’t I stop this? Why do I always go back here?’

But here’s what I want to say loud and clear: that moment is not evidence that you’re broken. It’s a pattern. A learned response. And more importantly—it’s a moment you can begin to work with, rather than work against.

Because the drift isn’t the end. It’s an invitation. It’s a chance to pause, to notice, to reconnect. And the more familiar you become with what your drift looks and feels like, the more power you have to step off that moving sidewalk and re-align with your values—even if it’s just for one breath.”

🎙 : Where It Fits in the Detour Cycle

If you’ve been around this podcast or you’ve worked through my course, you’ve probably heard me talk about the Detour Cycle—the pattern most people follow when they end up engaging with pornography in a way that doesn’t align with their values.

The Detour Cycle helps us understand not just what we’re doing, but why we’re doing it. And today, I want to show you where this experience we’ve been calling the drift fits into that process.

The first step in the Detour Cycle is Narrative Onset. This is where the difficult story begins. It’s often quiet, and it usually goes unchallenged:

“I’m not good enough.”
“I always screw this up.”
“Nothing I do ever really changes anything.”

It’s a story that creates disconnection—from your strengths, from your progress, and from your values.

That story leads to the Emotional Catalyst—a feeling that is uncomfortable. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s loneliness. Maybe it’s anxiety, sadness, or frustration. The story sparks the emotion, and that emotion makes your current state feel hard to sit with.
I want to recognize here for a moment, that not every Emotional Catalyst has a difficult Narrative Onset. Sometimes we’re just bored. Full stop. But, as far as I can tell, every escape offer has an emotion that we are looking to avoid. So, it doesn’t always require some deep underlying issue that we need to address, but we always need to get good at being uncomfortable as we deal with the emotions of being a normal human being. 


After the Emotional Catalyst comes the Escape Offer—your brain offers up a solution. It might be subtle: a memory, an image, a thought. Or it might be more direct: “What if we just check one thing real quick?” Your brain knows that porn has provided short-term relief before, and so it offers it again.

Now, here’s where the Drift shows up.

This isn’t a formal step in the Detour Cycle—but it’s a real, lived part of the process. It’s a kind of transitional flux—a place where resistance weakens and the mind starts to build momentum toward acting on the upcoming values breach.

You’re not fully in yet. But you’re not fully out either.

It’s like standing in a river where the current is just starting to tug at your legs. You still have your footing—but if you don’t do something intentional, you’re going to get pulled further in.

From here, you’re fully swimming in Rationalized Bargaining—where your thoughts shift into permission-giving mode:

“It’s just once.”
“I’ll get back on track tomorrow.”
“Everyone slips up.”

And finally, if that momentum goes unchecked, you end up in Values Breach—where you fully give in to acting in a way that doesn’t align with the person you want to be.

So the Drift—it’s that in-between. It’s the current that carries you from the Escape Offer into Bargaining and ultimately into breach.

And I want to be really clear here: the Drift is not inevitable. It’s not unstoppable. But it is subtle. Which is why becoming aware of it—learning to notice it, name it, and navigate it—is such a key part of reclaiming your agency and moving back toward your values.

🎙 : Why This Happens – The Brain’s Design

So, let’s talk about why this drift happens in the first place—because when you understand your brain’s design, you can stop blaming yourself and start working with it.

A lot of the systems and tools out there that well meaning people are offering you set you up for long term, constant battle with your own brain. Working with your brain to resolve these issues is both easier, when you know what to do, and more likely to bring success.

Here’s the deal: your brain is always trying to help you survive. It’s designed to seek relief from discomfort as quickly and efficiently as possible. And over time, it learns what works. If you’ve used porn in the past to manage stress, numb out, avoid hard emotions, or just escape for a moment—your brain remembers that. It tags it as a known solution.

So when you hit a moment of emotional discomfort—whether it’s boredom, anxiety, sadness, shame, or even just fatigue—your brain pulls that old strategy off the shelf and says, “Hey, this helped before. Do you want to try this again?”

It’s not asking, “Is this aligned with your values?” It’s asking, “How do we feel better right now?”

And that’s where psychological flexibility starts to shrink.

In that drifting moment—when your brain is offering porn as a way out—you’re not thinking long-term. You’re not tapped into your values, your goals, or the kind of life you want to build. You’re stuck in that narrowed, tunnel-vision focused on relief.

This is one of the brain’s most basic instincts: avoid pain, seek comfort. But what makes you human—what gives you the power to choose something different—is your ability to pause that automatic process and redirect it toward your values.

So when you feel yourself drifting, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s not because you don’t want change badly enough. It’s because your brain is doing what it’s designed to do—automate relief.

And the good news is, that process can be retrained. Through awareness, practice, and small, intentional moves, you can teach your brain new ways to respond to discomfort—ways that align with who you truly want to be.

🎙 : What to Do When You Feel the Drift

Alright, so you’re in the drift. You feel yourself being pulled. You haven’t fully given in, but your resistance is weakening. What do you do in that moment?

This is where your power starts to come back—not through force, not through shame, but through awareness and small, values-based action.

Let me walk you through one of the many diffusion techniques I teach in my courses—tools that help my clients recognize what's happening in the moment and respond to the drift with awareness and intention.

And if you’re ready for more support with tools like this—or if you just want help learning how to actually use them in real-life situations—I'd love to connect with you.

You can schedule time with me by visiting GetToThrive.com/workwithzach.

Let’s work together to help you overcome pornography for good—and build the life you actually want.

Let’s start with step one.

Step one: Label it.
Just say to yourself, ‘Ah, I’m feeling the drift.’ Or ‘I’m noticing that I’m feeling the drift’
That one sentence does something powerful—it shifts you from being in the drift to being an observer of it. It anchors you in the present moment. You’re not lost. You’re noticing. And that’s a win.

Step two: Pause and Write.
Grab a notebook, your phone, whatever’s near you, and ask:
‘What’s the story I’m believing right now?’
You’re likely going to find something like:
“I can’t handle this feeling.”
“I’ve already messed up today, so what’s the point?”
“This is the only way I know to feel okay.”
Getting that story out of your head and onto a page is one of the most effective ways to disrupt the momentum.

Step three: Connect to the DOTSS.
This is a quick self-check using the framework I teach to identify your avoidance strategies. Ask yourself:

* Am I distracting myself from a feeling I don’t want to feel?

* Am I opting out of something difficult or uncomfortable?

* Am I stuck in thinking—trying to figure everything out before I act?

* Am I feeling the pull of a substance or urge—like porn, food, or alcohol?

* Am I looking for social connection through porn because I feel disconnected or alone?

When you connect the DOTSS, you start to see that this isn’t just about porn—it’s about your relationship with discomfort, with emotion, and with your needs.

Step four: Reclaim agency with one small move.
And I mean small. Don’t try to win the whole battle right now. Just take one action—something that aligns with your values and disrupts the automatic path your brain is on. Try:

* Putting your phone down

* Taking three slow, deep breaths

* Texting someone you trust

* Standing up and walking to a different room

These moves might feel small. But they’re not insignificant. Each one is a signal to your brain:
“I’m not just running the old pattern. I’m choosing something new.”

And when you make those small moves consistently, they start to add up. You retrain your brain. You grow your psychological flexibility. And most importantly—you prove to yourself that you are not powerless in the drift.

You’re learning. You’re practicing. And you’re building the skill of choice.

🎙 : Reframing the Drift

Let’s wrap up this conversation with a reframe—because how you see the drift makes all the difference in how you respond to it.

First and foremost, the drift is not weakness.
It’s a signal.

It’s your brain saying, ‘Something’s uncomfortable, and I’m looking for relief.’ That’s it. It’s not a moral failing. It’s not a sign that you’re broken. It’s just your nervous system doing what it’s wired to do—move away from pain and toward comfort.

And responding to that signal doesn’t have to mean white-knuckling your way through it. This isn’t about clenching your fists and hoping the wave passes.

It’s about becoming familiar with your personal cycle—learning what your drift looks like, what your mind tends to offer you, what emotions usually show up, and what your go-to rationalizations sound like.

The more familiar you are with your drift, the earlier you can catch it. And the earlier you catch it, the easier it is to redirect—not with force, but with curiosity, with awareness, and with choice.

This is a process. And just like any skill, it takes time. You wouldn’t expect to master a new instrument or a new sport overnight. You practice. You learn from each attempt. And eventually, it becomes more natural.

So the next time you feel the drift, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t think, ‘Here we go again.’ Instead, think, ‘Ah, I’m in the part of the cycle where my brain’s offering relief. What’s really going on here? And what small move can I make right now that reflects who I want to be?’

The drift isn’t the end of the story—it’s an invitation to write a different one.”


🎙 : Empowerment Angle

“Before we wrap, I want to leave you with something really important—the empowerment angle. Because this isn’t just about awareness. It’s about how you see yourself in this process.

Too often, people walk away from a drift experience thinking, ‘I lost the battle.’
But that framing doesn’t serve you. It’s heavy, it’s shame-based, and it tells your brain, ‘You failed. Again.’

What if instead, we moved toward a different story—
‘I’m learning how this part of my brain works.’

That shift in mindset changes everything. It takes you out of the shame spiral and puts you in a growth posture.

The truth is, every time you experience the drift, you have a chance to practice.
To build awareness.
To notice patterns.
To test new strategies.
To reclaim just a little more power—even if you don’t succeed every time.

Because success isn’t only about avoiding porn. It’s about learning. It’s about moving toward your values with consistency and curiosity, not perfection.

And when you approach this journey that way—with grace, with patience, and with a willingness to practice—you stop being someone who’s constantly trying not to fail, and you become someone who’s building real mastery over time.

That’s empowerment. That’s the long game. And that’s how you actually change.”


🎙 : Wrap Up

Alright, as we bring this episode to a close, I want to invite you into a simple but powerful practice.

Take a few minutes today—grab a journal, open a notes app, whatever works for you—and write about the last time you felt the drift.

What did it feel like in your body?
What thoughts were running through your mind?
What emotions came up?
And maybe most importantly—what story was behind the urge?

Was it a story about your worth? Your ability to change? Your need for relief?

Just explore it. No judgment. This isn’t about getting it perfect—it’s about getting curious. Because the more familiar you become with your own drift, the more agency you have to respond differently next time.

I’ll leave you with this:
You are not powerless.
Even in the drift—especially in the drift—there are decisions being made.
And you can start to make those decisions more conscious… more deliberate… and more aligned with the person you truly want to be.

Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this work. I’ll see you next time.