1183634221760266 The 5 Things You Actually Need to Do to Solve Your Porn Problem - Thrive Beyond Pornography (Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast)

Episode 314

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Published on:

14th Sep 2025

The 5 Things You Actually Need to Do to Solve Your Porn Problem

Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

Transcript

Hey everybody, welcome to the podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. Today I want to give you something clear, direct, and maybe a little challenging—in the best way.

If you’ve been listening for a while, you know we don’t do quick fixes here. We’re not selling shame. We’re not about white-knuckling. And we’re definitely not in the business of reinforcing the idea that you’re broken. Because you’re not.

But I am going to tell you the five things you actually need to do if you want to solve your pornography problem—not just manage it. Not just “get better.” Solve it.

And these five things are not hacks. They're not willpower strategies. They are a set of deeply meaningful shifts that I’ve seen create real change over and over again with the people I work with.

So let’s dive in.

1. Stop thinking of this as an addiction you're not in control of.

If you want to change your relationship with pornography, you have to stop seeing yourself as powerless. Full stop.

When you think of this as an addiction, especially in the popularized 12-step sense, you reinforce the idea that you're not in control—that there's some force taking over your body and hijacking your choices.

Now, let me be clear: the experience feels out of control. I get that. But it feels that way because you’re caught in what I call the detour cycle.

Imagine pornography use as a stream. Most of us think we just fell in and got swept away. But the truth is, there’s a path that leads to that stream—thoughts, feelings, habits, unacknowledged emotions—and we walk that path long before we ever "fall in."

When you begin to see those patterns clearly—when you start to notice the detour—you start to reclaim your agency. You realize you don’t need to fight the current if you never step into the water in the first place.

This doesn’t mean you’re to blame. It means you have power. And that’s the first step to changing anything: owning your power.

2. Stop suppressing your feelings.

Most of us were taught from a young age that emotions are something to get over or push through.

"Don’t cry."

"Rub some dirt on it."

"Get back out there."

And while some of those messages might be useful in a sports context, they create a culture where feelings are unwelcome, where vulnerability is weakness, and where discomfort is failure.

So what do we do? We stuff it down. We pretend we’re fine. We become experts at appearing “okay” on the outside while chaos brews underneath.

But here’s the truth: feelings are tools. They’re not problems to be solved—they’re signals to be explored.

What would happen if you started treating your emotions like indicators on a dashboard instead of threats to avoid? What if that sadness, that loneliness, that stress, that boredom—wasn’t something to fix, but something to understand?

That shift is massive. And it opens the door to real healing.

3. Learn and practice emotional regulation tools.

It’s one thing to stop suppressing your feelings. It’s another thing to actually know what to do with them.

That’s where tools from ACT—Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—and mindfulness come in. These are not abstract theories. They are practical skills that help you do one essential thing:

Get good at being uncomfortable.

Because the truth is, pornography is often used to buffer against uncomfortable emotional states. If you’ve never been taught how to feel disappointment, how to process shame, or how to sit with loneliness—of course you’re going to look for relief.

But if you can practice noticing your emotions, allowing them to exist, breathing through them—without trying to fix or escape them—you start to build emotional resilience. You stop needing to run. You stop needing to buffer.

You allow the emotion to rise and fall like a wave instead of letting it crash over you.

This is the work we do in coaching. It’s uncomfortable at first. But it’s life-changing.

4. Acknowledge that pornography helped solve problems you didn’t know how to handle—and that’s okay.

This one might be hard to hear at first—but stay with me.

Pornography use is often a strategy. Not a good one. Not one that creates thriving relationships or deep self-respect. But it’s a strategy.

And for many people, it’s the best strategy they had at the time. It was what was available. You didn’t have the tools. You didn’t have the understanding. You didn’t have the support. And maybe, just maybe, you were doing your best.

That doesn’t mean it’s who you want to be. And it doesn’t mean you have to keep choosing it. But it does mean you can let go of the shame.

You wouldn’t blame someone for building a house with bad tools if that’s all they had. You’d give them new tools and help them build something better.

So give yourself permission to say: “That version of me did the best they could. Now I’m ready to do better.”

Not because you’re bad—but because you’re growing.

5. Practice vulnerability—and let it create true intimacy.

If you want to solve your porn problem, you have to stop hiding.

That doesn’t mean you tell everyone everything. But it does mean you stop living in the shadows of self-presentation and begin to live in the light of self-disclosure.

Vulnerability isn’t weakness. Vulnerability is strength without armor. It’s choosing to be honest about who you are—not to manipulate or get approval—but because you value truth more than image.

Letting people know the real you—especially your partner—is scary. But it’s also the only way to create real intimacy.

And here’s the key: you don’t have to be perfect to be trustworthy.

Being trustworthy means you are honest about where you are, clear about who you’re becoming, and willing to take responsibility—again and again, without the need for shame or self-punishment.

This is how you become the person you want to trust. That’s what real change is built on.

Wrap Up

So, let me recap the five things you actually need to do if you want to solve your porn problem:

Stop believing you’re powerless. You’re not. Start seeing the detour before you step into the stream.

Stop suppressing your feelings. Treat emotions like tools—not enemies.

Build the emotional skills you never learned. Learn ACT, mindfulness, and how to stay with discomfort.

Acknowledge how porn has “helped”—without shame. You were doing your best. Now you have better tools.

Practice vulnerability. Become the person you trust, not the image you curate.

This work isn’t easy. But it is possible.

And if you’re ready to dive deeper into it—if you want support, tools, and transformation—you can always work with us at GetToThrive.com/workwithzach or GetToThrive.com/workwiththrive.

Until next time—keep choosing values over goals, truth over image, and growth over shame.

You’ve got this.

Show artwork for Thrive Beyond Pornography (Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast)

About the Podcast

Thrive Beyond Pornography (Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast)
(Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast) This podcast is for Couples who want to overcome pornography. We teach you how to retrain your brain to completely quit pornography. If you are excited to move past pornography, this is the...
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
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About your host

Profile picture for Zach Spafford

Zach Spafford

Zach Spafford is an Acceptance and Commitment Coaching, Be Bold Masters, and The Life Coach School trained life coach with over 25 years of experience with addictive behaviors.
He has been coaching in the business world for over 15 years and changing lives through increased productivity and achieved results.
Zach has a passion for making peoples lives better through helping them move past their addictive behaviors and becoming the people they want to be.