The Why Behind Every Action In Overcoming Pornography for Good

Episode 282

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Especially when I've helped them see that the way they're operating runs counter to their desired outcomes and sense of self. They, like so many of us, are looking for a checklist, a set of operating instructions, a clear guideline with predictable outcomes and consequences based on a formulaic process that they can execute.

For some people, telling them to just pull this lever, Push that button and wait works. For me and for most of the people that I work with the unfortunate reality is that a strict set of instructions on exactly what to do in the moment that X situation arises is often not that effective.

We've all been there. Think of a time when you've had a disagreement with someone and they say, if you had just said this instead of that, or if you would just say it this way.

Or maybe you've asked your spouse, what should I do?

You know that even if you had done everything exactly the way that they're suggesting that you do it, you might not have gotten any better outcome.

And sometimes we say all the right things, and it's still not enough. And sometimes we do exactly what our spouse has asked us, and it's still not enough.

The reason for this is the focus of today's episode. What's missing is an understanding that the "why" is more important than the what behind every action and discussion we have.

To illustrate this, I'm going to offer you two examples of what I'm talking about. The first is centered around what we do when we're tempted by pornography, and the second is going to focus on what we say when we're discussing pornography.

So let's start with what we typically do when we're tempted to view pornography.

For many of us, the moment temptation hits, we rely on a strict set of prescribed actions. Advice we've heard countless times from well meaning people. And these are the go to suggestions. They're meant to steer us away from acting on the urge.

You've probably heard them before, and you could probably even like name them along with me. It's like, go for a walk or call a friend or pray, read your scriptures.

These suggestions, they're just, they're not bad. . And they might even work in the short term.

But if you're like most people I work with, you've probably noticed something about these just do this instead strategies, and that's that they don't always address the root cause of the issue.

Sure, they might distract you for a while, but what happens when The walk is over, or the prayer feels hollow, or the scripture doesn't quiet your restless mind. That temptation is still there, isn't it?

The truth is, these strategies tend to focus on avoidance rather than addressing why we're tempted in the first place.

They offer surface level solutions to deeper problems. And what happens when avoidance doesn't work? For many people, it leads to frustration, excessive guilt, and an extreme sense of failure. So what if there's a better way?

There is, and it lies in understanding the why behind our next action.

If the why is simply to distract ourselves from temptation, it's bound to fail in the long run. Distraction may work temporarily, but it doesn't address the underlying emotions or reasons for driving the urge. It leaves us stuck in a cycle of avoidance, which only reinforces the pattern we're trying to break.

If the why comes from a calm, centered place, where we've allowed ourselves to feel the emotions, understanding the underlying cause, and address them without judgment, Then the action we take is no longer about running from the temptation. It's about moving forward with intention and clarity.

And this is one of the key components that I teach both in my membership and in my couple's coaching is how to get to that calm center place by moving through those emotions and how to move through, through those emotions. Because not all of us have the skill set to do that, and then how we address that underlying cause. These are all major components of the work that we do. In the state of calm centered action, the specific action that we take next doesn't actually matter as much as the reason that we're taking it.

Whether it's going for a walk or connecting with a friend or praying, the difference lies in the why.

Are we acting out of fear and avoidance or out of understanding and empowerment? By grounding ourselves in that calm and intentional space, we free ourselves up from the anxiety of running away from temptation. Instead, what we do is we step toward what truly matters. And what truly matters is always aligned with our values and it helps us move and grow in the right direction.

Why we make our next move is much, much more important than what the next move is.

So the next time you're in that moment where you're struggling to figure out.

lm and centered and ready to [: 00:05:00

That's the big question there.

And if you need help with that feel free to sign up for a consult I would love to sit down with you and go over exactly what it is that you need to move in the right direction

The next example is one of the most common challenges the couples face And that's knowing what to say or how to approach the topic of pornography.

Often the focus becomes solely about whether or not someone has viewed pornography, and I think that misses the deeper issues at play. Using the analogy of pornography as a symptom rather than the disease, It's like repeatedly asking someone if they're coughing while ignoring the underlying strep throat that's causing the problem.

And here's what this often sounds like in real life conversations. Did you look at porn today? Darcy, you know, that, that was the question that Darcy would ask me all the time. "Have you looked at porn?" And There's also a more subtle version of this, which is "how are you doing?"

While these questions might seem like a way to open the door to a meaningful communication, the why behind them often gets in the way. And if the underlying intent is, "do I need to withdraw from you because. You chose to view pornography," then the conversation is less about connection. It's more about monitoring or guarding yourself against hurt.

And I know this is exactly how Darcy felt about it. When she was asking me about whether or not I looked at porn, what she was really doing was saying, "Do I need to withdraw from you? Do I need to protect myself from you? Do I need to hide from you?"

And when this happens, it really perpetuates a dynamic that I call confessional conversations. And in this pattern, the spouse struggling with pornography comes to confess, sharing their wrongdoings, while the other spouse becomes the one granting or withholding some sort of absolution.

And the truth is, this dynamic isn't very productive. But more than that, it can actively erode trust and intimacy.

Why? Because it shifts the relationship dynamic away from being a partnership of mutual support and love to one of judgment and guilt.

And I know a lot of you spouses out there are coming to us and saying, "Hey, I need help in actually being a support to my spouse because I know they just need support. how do I do that?"

And what you're trying to do is foster honest affection and connection. Instead of creating an environment where one partner feels scrutinized and the other feels burdened by that responsibility of policing behavior.

So to foster healthier, more intimate conversations, what you want to do is shift your focus from monitoring behavior to understanding the underlying emotions and experiences driving the urge to view pornography.

Before asking questions, take a moment to reflect on your intentions.

Am I asking this question because I genuinely want to know and understand what's going on for my spouse? Or am I asking because I want to gauge how I should feel right now?

The question itself doesn't necessarily have to change, right? The "what" is not changing, it's the "why." So you might still ask, Have you looked at porn?

Or how are you doing? But the key is the why behind the question. If your intent is rooted in fear, suspicion, or self protection, it will come across that way.

But if your intent is to connect and understand, your spouse will feel supported rather than judged. This shift is less about the words you say and more about the heart behind them.

When your intent is to foster intimacy and connection, your spouse will sense your genuine care and desire to understand their struggles.

When conversations move from behavior focused to connection focused, you create an environment where trust, empathy, and healing flourish. Pornography use is often a symptom of deeper struggles, such as stress, loneliness, or unmet desires. Addressing these root causes together strengthens your relationship and helps both partners grow.

The goal isn't to manage your partner's behavior or act as a monitor. It's to build a relationship. Where both of you feel seen, supported, and empowered to work through challenges together. By prioritizing connection over surveillance, you create a real space for intimacy and lasting growth.

At the heart of today's episode is a simple but profound truth.

The why behind our actions is more important than the actions themselves. Whether it's how we respond to temptation, or how we communicate with our spouse, the intent of driving our choices shapes the outcome far more than the specific steps we take.

It's tempting to look for a formula or a checklist, you know, a way to guarantee that success by, by following an exacting set of rules.

ations, remember to check in [: 00:10:00

Are you acting out of fear or love? Are you focused on avoiding discomfort? Or are you seeking growth and connection?

When your actions flow from a place of understanding and intention, they naturally lead to outcomes that align with your values and strengthen your relationships. Thanks for joining me today.

If this episode resonated with you, I'd encourage you to share it with someone who might benefit. And remember, real change isn't about doing everything perfectly. It's about staying committed to living in alignment with your values.

Keep striving, keep growing, and as always, I'll talk to you next week.