Unplugging from Perfection: A Coaching Session on Authenticity in Relationships

Episode 283

===

Zach Spafford: [: 00:00:00

Many of us unknowingly base our actions on a framework that prevents us from being truly intimate with our spouse.

Instead of showing up as our authentic selves, we constantly filter what we do and say through a lens of trying to get our spouse to see us in a certain way or like us more. This framework doesn't just hold us back, it creates resentment, anxiety, and can even be manipulative.

It also can make our spouse wonder what we're hiding, and often it causes them to pull away, leaving us feeling more disconnected.

As you listen, I encourage you to reflect on your own relationship and ask yourself, do I notice any patterns where I'm managing my spouse's perception of me instead of showing up with honesty and vulnerability, both with them and with yourself?

And finally, at the end of this session that you're going to listen to, I offer to my client the same challenge that I want to give to you over the next week, which is to observe your interactions with your spouse and ask yourself, am I showing up? In a way that aligns with my own expectations for myself and am I creating a solid sense of self that allows me to choose my spouse honestly and openly?

Client: Anyway, so what I wanted to talk about this week. So last week my homework was to, you know, pay attention to my feelings and practice just like, um, practice bringing the feeling up on purpose.

And then sitting with it. Um, I was able to do that a couple times. Um, it was kind of a little bit like tougher than I thought because sometimes I would sit down and I'd try to like bring it up and I'd be like, Okay, like, I'm gonna write right now, you know, but it was like, my brain could tell that I wasn't actually going to do that.

And so eventually, like, I, I started to kind of like, Okay. Give it some more time. But I think I played it. I tried to go through it a little fast in the beginning, but the last couple of days I've been spending a little more time on it. And when, you know, like I tell my brain, right, my brain's like, my brain calls my bluff.

And so then I'm like, okay, like, what are some other thoughts that get me anxious? And I'm like, okay, like, what if I were to just like, go like, look at some porn right now, you know, like, I know for a fact that if I just like, Went and like looked at some porn on my phone. I would get super anxious, you know And then I could practice like sitting with that feeling and as soon as I thought that I got very anxious

Zach Spafford: Yeah, yeah,

Client: and so I I think I got a little bit better at at that but I didn't do a ton of it

One thing that I kind of that I wanted to get your opinion on. Well, I guess um, I guess like two things so One is that I, I had this experience this week, it was Tuesday and, um, and I was under the impression that my wife was going to be out till like 10 PM because sometimes she goes to like a spouse support group on that night and, um, she didn't go, like her, her schedule has changed and I just haven't been able to keep up with it.

And so anyway, I was at home. And I had come home, like, expecting her not to, you know, be there. And I, like, looked at a little porn, and then I'd thrown on a TV show. Um, I'd kind of done, like, a, okay, like, post, and then, okay, no, this isn't what I want to do, like, and then thrown on a show. And I watched an episode, and then I watched another episode, and then she came home, and, like, while I was watching the show, and it was, like, Really disorienting where I was like, Oh my gosh, like, what do I, you know, do now that She's home and she ended up telling me like later that night.

She's like, like, were you like not excited to see me or like what was going on? You know, like, I feel like you just didn't want me around. I feel like I came home. You know, and like you should be excited to see me and instead it was like really weird. And I kind of explained it I was like, well, I was just expecting, you know, to have me time, and I wasn't really like expecting you to be there and so then like I have to recalibrate.

I came home and I just like, [: 00:05:00

Zach Spafford: Yeah.

Client: And then. You know, my wife had gotten home and it was like time to plug back in. But there's other times where I feel like if I go home, you know, like I can stay plugged in. And then even if I'm like, Hey, but this is like me time, but I'm plugged in. If she comes home, like, it's not weird. And so then I was thinking, you know, like if I was unplugged like that, you know, and, you know, you know, and I, and I, you know, I looked at porn and then even just the TV show, I think was just, you know, buffering.

Um, like I don't, and, and so anyway, I just, Notice like, yeah, I, I unplug and plug in sometimes, like where I, you say it in your course, I think where it's like, um, you know, like taking a break from the person that you've committed to be, or I don't know, but I, I, anyway, I just had this experience where I was just like, you know, I feel like.

I wasn't like actively engaged in my life. And so then, you know, I, I looked at porn, but then also I just vegged out and watch TV. And then, you know, when my wife was around, like, I wasn't able to actually enjoy her being around. And, and so, you know, since then, I've just been trying to be like, okay, like, where am I?

When am I unplugged? Like, am I unplugged right now? What can I do to plug back in? And trying to pay attention to that.

So this has been something that's been on my mind, like, the last couple of days, trying to just notice, like, when am I unplugged? When, how can I plug back in? Yeah,

Zach Spafford: well, and I would, I would make at least an observation that being plugged in all the time is not necessarily good for you. Um,

that's not to say, by the way, that we abandon our values when we unplug, but it is, I think, important to recognize that

being on is exhausting and it's, it's tough to actually be on all the time and it's, it's probably not good for us to be on. There's like a very few, there are very few humans who can do that, who are so highly conscientious that they can just be on all the time. And, you know, I would be surprised if you are capable of doing that.

Fact, I think it's, I think it's pretty clear that that's just not you. Yeah. I'm a little bit interested in the idea that you, um,

that this like took you so off guard,

um, that it, that it was dis, disjointed.

Client: You're talking about just like my wife like coming home unexpectedly?

Zach Spafford: Yeah, yeah.

Client: Yeah, it was like. Really tough, where, you know, she just came in and I was like, oh, like, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Like, uh. Okay,

Zach Spafford: why don't you know what to say or do?

Curious.

Client: Yeah, that's a good question. I mean, I don't really know. Like, it was

like, I felt like, you know, like, I could go, like, and be like, oh, hey, like, it's you, you know, like, you're home. But that that wouldn't have been like an honest reaction, you know, like that wasn't how I like felt.

Zach Spafford: So what was your honest reaction to her being there?

Client: Just like, oh, like it kind of was like what she read into it where it was like, oh, like my wife is home, great. (sarcasm), or yeah, you know, where I guess.

Zach Spafford: The most honest answer you can give. Yeah. Why do you feel that way? Like, why did you feel that way? Without sugarcoating it, or making it what it's supposed, like, Without thinking about, what is it, what am I supposed to say here?

Client: [: 00:10:00

Zach Spafford: What's the right answer here? Why does it feel that way? Why did it feel that way?

Client: You know, I think that I have kind of an expectation that, like, When my wife is around, like, I have to be a certain way. You know?

Zach Spafford: Yes.

Client: And, and we've had talks like this before where sometimes like I'll come home from like a long day at school and I'll just be super low energy, you know, and I'll be like, "Hey, like, I'm really sorry. Like I just. You know, like, you know, talk to me, do whatever, but like, I'm just not like really like able to respond," she'll be like, "Oh, like, you don't need to be any sort of way." And we'll have like, you know, like a nice moment like that happened just a couple weeks ago.

But, um, you know, it takes a lot more than that, I think, but, you know, to undo the programming.

And I do think that there is this sense that when I'm around my wife, like I have to yeah. Yeah, like I have to be a certain way. Um, I have to react a certain way. Um, or I have to act a certain way to, yeah.

And I think that some of it might be like, I know that, you know, for a good chunk, you know, of our relationship, like, I'd be like, Oh, like, You know, like if I looked at, you know, porn that day or something, you know, I would think like, okay, like I have to act like I didn't look at porn, you know, so that she wasn't so that she can't pick up on like what's going on, you know, um,

and so I'd always be worried about like, okay, like, what's normal, you know, like, what's the, what would normal me do right now, you know,

Zach Spafford: and I'd be right, which, which yeah, It doesn't seem to solve any problems because you're like,

Client: right, it's yeah, it's it solves zero problems. It's totally counterproductive.

Um,

but yeah, I mean, I think it just kind of felt like, I don't know, like, I was watching a show and it's like, I said, my options there, like, you know, jump up and, and be excited that she got home and be like, Oh, hey, like, you're home and Or just sit and watch the show like the one didn't feel honest and the other one didn't feel right.

Zach Spafford: Yeah, well, and this makes me wonder, okay, so if, if the way that you feel like you have to show up and this is not about your wife at all, although she may be a contributing factor to this, but it's not about her. Right? So we, we train our partners in the way that we want things to be, but that doesn't mean that they are the problem.

So a lot of times when I'm talking to men, I'm like, you're teaching your wife how to treat you based on the way that you behave.

Client: Right?

Zach Spafford: Right. And so what I would ask you is how do you think you can step out of this framework of, "I have to be on for your wife?"

Or "I can't be who I really want to be around my wife." Yeah. Because the framework that you're bringing to your interactions with your wife is, "how can I say or do or interact with her in a way that keeps her happy so I don't have to deal with whatever invalidation she might offer me because she's not happy. Which, by the way, I do that so that I can stay happy, not because I'm happy and okay with who I'm being, I'm doing what I'm doing to manage and manipulate her," and I use manipulation lightly, "but I'm doing what I'm doing to manage her in order to manage my own sense of self and my own comfort."

That's really why we do everything we do, is to like, stay happy and be comfortable .

How can I step out of that?

Client: Yeah, that's a good question.

So it's something that I've been working on, you know, during the course of our marriage, like at the beginning of our marriage, I would like, uh, like I would eat McDonald's, you know, and come home and I would take the trash and I would throw it in the outside trash can so that she wouldn't know that I eat in McDonald's.

Zach Spafford: Right.

Client: Right. You know, like it was like, to that point of like, okay, like I am just. You know, like, I, like, I, like, I just want, like, I don't want her to see like anything in me that might make me look, you know, bad, like, like that I eat fast food, like I was just trying to hide everything like that from her.

Zach Spafford: Yep.

atching movies or shows that [: 00:15:00

But in this situation where I'm like, Oh, like, so I guess I'm just thinking, yeah, like how, how can I, yeah. What do I still need to do? Like, you know,

yeah. Yeah. It's like in, in this situation, I guess like it would have just

like, what could I have done in this situation? I'm, I'm thinking like,

It's tough because it's like, okay, like my honest reaction would have been like, "oh, like I'm not excited for her to come home," but I feel like I have to dig under that, you know, and be like, "okay, like the reason I'm I reacted that way is because I feel like I have to be a certain way around her," you know, and so I need to talk myself out of that so that I can talk

Zach Spafford: Do you need to talk yourself out of that?

Client: I don't know. But I guess, I guess in my mind, like, I kind of do need to talk myself out of like, at least. You know, like, "hey, like, I don't need to be around. I don't need to be any sort of way around my wife . And then, and then if I can move past that, then I can have, I think, a more honest reaction, which wouldn't be being afraid of my wife .

It would just be like, oh, like, you're, I always think about it, like, You know, give me like your thoughts on this, but I always think about it. Like, how was it with my roommates? And this always sometimes kind of makes my wife mad because she's like, Oh, like, you just want me to be your roommate. But in my mind, that's a zero pressure environment.

Zach Spafford: Yeah.

Client: You know, and like my roommates would come home. And if I was watching something, I would just be like, "Oh, Hey man, like, how's it going? Like, how was your day?" And he'd be like, "Oh, it was good." And I'd, you know, and we'd chat for a little bit and then maybe I'd get back to watching my show. Cause I didn't give an F of what he thought about me.

Zach Spafford: Well, and it's not even that you didn't give an F about what he thought about you. What he thought about you did not manage your sense of self. Did not impact or blow up your sense of self.

Client: Right, and, and so because of that, I was able to Because if he came

Zach Spafford: home and was like, Dude, did you really leave this mess in the kitchen?

Like, seriously, I, I, you know, I would appreciate it if you just clean up after yourself so when I come home, it's not a, you know, a hot mess. Like, you would probably look at that and go, "Okay, yeah, I can see where I'm not in the right, but I'm not going to like, let that ruin me. I'm just going to be a better person and clean up after myself."

Right?

Client: Yeah. So anyway, that's, that's kind of like the model that I always use in my head where I feel like, you know, the healthy version of a healthier version of me, like that's not so entangled with my wife , you know, is would be capable of. my wife coming home and just giving her like the "Oh, like, Hey, it's you like, how's it going?"

You know, it's, it's not like I'm, and it's just like an honest, normal reaction. But, you know, instead, my reaction is this sense of like, "Oh, my gosh, I got to be on." And then like, you know, and then this tug of war between like, I've got to be on but Part of me is resisting that, and so I actually, like, don't want to be around my wife , and, where, well, I, you know, like, I think under that, you know, is this reaction that's just normal. Um, and Yeah,

Zach Spafford: probably. Almost certainly, there's just this, like, normal me, who just, normal normals. Right? Like, I'm just normal. But I think, uh, right, so, I think what you're describing here is this sense that "I have to manage my wife so I can be okay."

And when I'm not geared up to manage her so that I can be okay, it's a shock to the system.

Client: Yeah.

Zach Spafford: And that tells me a lot about your relationship. And again, none of it being she is a bad guy here. Mm hmm. Um, all of it including at least some component of you need to be okay with who you are and how you are showing up.

Like, I have a solid sense of myself. And even if she thinks you shouldn't watch that or you should do it this way or you need to be doing that, that's not the thing that derails you, right? Because she gets to have her own opinions. And sometimes those opinions are things that would make you a better version of you,

Client: right?

do I want to be? What's the [: 00:20:00

Client: my wife

Zach Spafford: in a way that is on point for who I want to be?

Yeah,

because if you're, if you're busy managing her, you're never going to be able to manage you.

Client: Yeah. So are you saying like, I'm thinking about this and like, oh, there's like normal me, you know, there's how I act when I, when I'm not entangled with somebody and, and I'm after kind of that, that person where I'm just like, what would I do if I wasn't entangled with my wife ?

And are you saying that instead I should be thinking more along the lines of, you know, how do I just, how do I want to show up in this relationship?

Zach Spafford: How would I show up if I was showing up in the way that I expect myself to show up?

Client: Yeah.

That's it. Yeah, I don't, like, I don't need to be chasing after "normal."

Zach Spafford: Yeah, yeah, because chasing after normal is just not gonna provide any.

Client: Yeah, okay. What

Zach Spafford: am I supposed to sound like? How am I supposed to be? How do I, you know, do this right? Those, none of those are valuable questions.

Yeah. It's how do I want to show up? Who do I want to be? ,

Client: that makes sense.

It's, yeah, I mean, it's, it's a tall, it's a, it feels like a tall task, you know, like it's

it's good to be reminded where I should be oriented.

Zach Spafford: Right. So differentiation, which is 1 of the main components of what we work on. And the reason we work on this is because. The reason we are running from our sense of self is because we're not well differentiated. We're not self validated if we're not really, uh, keen on the person that we're showing up as or on how to deal with the things that we are dealing with.

Client: Yeah.

Zach Spafford: And so we run from that and being differentiated gives us the strength, gives us additional backup, gives us additional capacity to just be the person that we expect ourselves to be.

And then we don't have to run from our, our real life with porn.

So, one of the ways that a lot of people think is, "how do I say or do this in a way that's not going to upset my wife?" If that's a framing that your brain uses, drop it. And ask instead, how do I want to show up and who do I want to be? Reorient your framing of every interaction from, "how do I get this person to like me or, you know, praise me or validate me in my position" to, "how do I want to show up in order to be the person I expect myself to be?"

Client: Ah, yeah. Okay. One second. I'm just going to make a note.

Zach Spafford: Yeah, please do.

Client: Okay.

Zach Spafford: I think honestly, I think that's a good place to stop for right now. I know this is kind of shorter than we normally have, but I think that's a good place to stop because I think if you just take that and you run with it for the next little while, that'll be good. Okay.

Client: All right. Yes. Thank you, Zach.

Talk to you later. Yep, bye.

Zach Spafford: All right, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this coaching call, and I hope it helped you see yourself a little bit more clearly. Have a great week, and I will talk to you next week.