Beyond the Finish Line: How Values Drive Lasting Change
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Transcript
Episode 285
===
[:Zach Spafford: Hey everybody, welcome back. Today, we're talking about a mindset shift that can completely change the way you approach overcoming pornography.
It's a shift from setting rigid goals to living by deeply held values. I'm Zach Spafford, and this is Thrive Beyond Pornography.
If you've ever set a goal, like I'm never going to look at pornography again, only to find yourself struggling to sustain it, you're not alone.
Goals can be powerful, but they come with one big flaw. They're tied to a single point in time.
Once you reach the goal, your brain shifts into a different way of thinking about what you're trying to accomplish. Meaning once you reach the goal, you've reached the finish line. And once you reach the finish line, the goal itself becomes obsolete. It, it, it stops being the goal.
So this is where values come in.
Instead of focusing on a finish line, values create a foundation for lasting change today, I'm going to break down why values work better than goals and how they can keep you moving forward and how to start shifting your mindset.
So grab a notebook, get ready to challenge the way you think about progress and let's dive in.
When I was struggling with pornography, I had one goal. Stop looking at it. , some of you're like, yeah, that's the only goal. That's the, this is what we're doing, right? It's simple. It makes sense. It feels like the right thing to do and right thing to focus on. But here's the problem. In our brain goals are temporary.
So think about training for an Ironman or a marathon. You might follow a strict regimen. You might push yourself and then finally race day gets here. And when you finish the race. And you feel amazing and you're like, yeah, I'm the best. Then what?
The goal is over. And what happens for most of us is that our motivation shifts. And there's a good chance that you'll stop training altogether. You'll stop doing the things that you were doing when you were training for that very specific target of running a marathon or doing an Ironman.
And the same thing happens with pornography. Some people set a goal, like I'm going to get one year, I'm going to get to one year sober. I'm not going to do this anymore. And they use willpower and they block access and they change their routines. But when that milestone passes, most of us will relax. We think, "Oh, I've achieved this now that I've achieved this, it's all going to kind of just keep going without much effort." And we think it's already kicked in it's, it's habitualized.
And often what actually happens is that we slip back into old patterns, maybe slowly at first, maybe haltingly, maybe we, you know, get back on the wagon for a period of time, but we almost always slip back into old habits. And that's by the way, the same cycle as dieting, you might restrict yourself, lose the weight, and then go back to old eating habits.
I know I did that. I, I did this, uh, eating challenge with my coworkers when I worked for insurance, big insurance company. And I won this eating challenge and I was like, "this is how I'm going to eat. And this is the way, you know, I'm trying to make sustainable changes." Yeah. Immediately after one of the things that I hadn't been eating a lot of was meat, Uh, things that I really love, like ribs, I was eating a lot of salads.
And immediately after the diet, I was like, I'm going to treat myself to a big rack of ribs. And I basically, from that point on, I didn't eat the same way I had as I was trying to lose that weight. And this is why most of our diets fail because they're actually based on short term goals, not long term values.
So what's the solution? Well, the solution is that we shift from goals to values based living.
Today I want to talk about the six key differences between goals and values.
Let's start with number one. Values exist in the present. Goals are in the future. So goals are about a destination. Once I stop looking at porn, I'll be good. But values, values define who you are right now. Instead of I'll quit porn, try I choose sexual experiences that create real intimacy, or I honor my commitments to myself.
I live in alignment with my values every day. See the difference? One keeps you stuck, Looking to the future and looking for the future to tell you you're enough and show you that you've succeeded and the other shapes who you are today, right now, in this moment, I live in alignment with my values. I honor my commitments to myself.
That is not about the future. That's not, nothing in the future is happening there. That is, what's the decision I'm going to make right now to align myself with with the person that I expect myself to be. .
r the first time often never [:That's just who he is. Has nothing to do with a specific target. It has to do with, this is how I choose to decompress for the day. This is how I engage my body in a meaningful way. If your only goal is to quit. What happens when you reach it or what happens when you fall short of values based approach means you don't just check a box and move on.
You build an identity that naturally leads to the result you want.
Number two, values don't need justification. One of the most powerful things about values is that they stand on their own. Unlike goals, which often require explanation or validation, values simply are. Think about kindness. If you're, if you value kindness, if you are kind, right? You don't need to explain why you choose to be kind.
It's just part of who you are. But if your goal is to be nicer to people, someone might ask, why are you doing that? Or what's the reason behind this change?
Goals often invite a little bit of scrutiny, while values naturally guide behavior without requiring outside approval.
Another example of this is faith. If faith is one of your core values, you don't have to constantly defend your beliefs or prove why they matter. You just live them.
Others might ask you why you go to church or pray. To you, it's just a reflection of what's important. Values are deeply personal and because they reflect who we are, they don't need permission or validation from anybody else.
They give us a foundation to act with confidence regardless of outside opinions.
Number three. Values often need to be prioritized. Living by values.
Doesn't mean that every value gets equal attention all the time.
Life requires us to prioritize sometimes putting one value front and center while another takes a backseat, that doesn't mean certain values are less important. It just means different moments call for different priorities.
Imagine you deeply value both professional success and physical health.
There may be times when work takes priority, like when you're launching a business, tackling a big project, or transitioning to a new role. During that season, you might not be able to hit the gym as often or cook every meal from scratch. That doesn't mean you've abandoned your health. It just means you're adjusting how you live that value.
Maybe instead of long workouts, you take short walks. Maybe instead of meal prepping everything, you make smarter, quick food choices. Then, when work stabilizes, you can shift your focus backto a more structured health routine.
Your values remain the same, but their order of priority shifts depending on life's demands. This flexibility allows you to stay aligned with your values without feeling like you're failing just because you can't give equal attention to everything all at once.
And this happens in all areas of life. If you value both family time and career growth, there will be seasons where work takes the lead. Maybe during a major project or a job transition. Other times, family moves to the forefront, like when a new baby arrives.
It's not about abandoning one value for another. It's about knowing when to adjust and being intentional with your choices. The key is to recognize when and why you're prioritizing certain values.
If you find yourself saying, I don't have time for this value right now, ask yourself, is this a conscious choice or am I letting life happen to me? Living by values means making choices with purpose rather than. By default, number four values are best held lightly. A rigid goal often sets us up for failure.
If your goal is to never look at pornography again, what happens if you slip, do you throw in the towel? You see when you've got a goal and you don't achieve it, for instance, never look at pornography again and you, and then you end up viewing pornography or you end up doing something that. That undermines that goal.
Oftentimes we feel like we give up. Is this kind of all or nothing mentality?
Whereas values, they allow for adaptation. You know, think of a vegetarian whose only food option is beef jerky. most people are not going to starve out of stubbornness. They'll adjust for survival.
When you hold your values lightly, you don't let one mistake define you. Instead, you focus on learning and aligning your actions with who you truly want to be.
Number five. Values must be chosen, not forced. And I think this is probably one of the biggest ones in here.
r yourself, it can become an [:Number six, values include both self. And others living by values. Isn't just about personal choices. It's about how those choices impact the people around us.
A true value. Isn't just self serving it naturally extends to others in a way that promotes connection, integrity, and mutual respect. So take the value of honesty. For example, if you value honesty, it's not just about being truthful with yourself. It's also, it also means being honest in your relationships, even when that's uncomfortable.
That might mean having a hard conversation with a spouse about your struggles instead of hiding them. That might mean telling your spouse things that they are doing which aren't helpful in your being able to be honest and open with them. It might mean being transparent at work even if bending the truth could make things easier in the short term.
Another example of a value is respecting boundaries. If you value self respect, you might set personal boundaries around how you spend your time or what influences you allow into your life. But that same value also means respecting others boundaries, listening when they express their desires, honoring their autonomy, and creating a space where they feel valued and safe.
The key here is recognizing that your values don't exist in isolation. They shape your actions, and those actions ripple out to affect your relationships, your community, and the way you show up in the world.
Zach Spafford: So, how do we put this into practice? Number one, identify the values that matter to you most.
What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your life to reflect? Start using I statements.
Instead of, my goal is to never look at pornography again. Say, I live with integrity in my sexual choices.
Instead of saying, I'll quit, say, I choose connection over isolation.
Number three. I want you to use mile markers, not, I want you to use goals as mile markers, not the destination goals can still be useful, but they should reflect how you're living your values. Instead of I'm going to quit for a year, try. I will act in alignment with my values every single day, or I'm going to prioritize real connection in my life.
These shifts take practice, but when you embrace value, you create lasting change, not just temporary success.
If you've been relying on willpower and short term goals, and you're frustrated by the cycle, it's time to try something different. Living by values removes the pressure of perfection.
It helps you make choices that align with who you really want to be, not just what you're trying to avoid next.
Alright my friends, keep doing this amazing work, and if this episode has helped you, share it with someone who needs it, and I will talk to you guys next week.
